12 Times Wallace From 'Veronica Mars' Was Just As Sarcastic As Veronica Herself
There’s no denying that Veronica Mars is one of the most witty shows in CW history and showcases some seriously stylish dialogue that stands out, even among the lightening-fast delivery of Gilmore Girls and the Cohenisms on The O.C. And the underdog of wit is no doubt Wallace Fennel, Veronica’s partner in crime, bestie for life, and chronic favor-giver. Wallace is probably Veronica’s first friend in her post-09er existence, and this can largely be credited to his sarcasm game — one of the finest in the entire show.
Of course, it’s hard to compete with Veronica’s everyday snark, and most of the credit usually goes to her sexually charged banter with Logan. Still, it’s Wallace that has her back through and through, and even though he’s a pushover when it comes to digging up school records, he’s always armed with a remark to put Veronica in her place. They are equals in sarcasm and sibling-like sass, which is why they can actually maintain a platonic, relatively drama-free friendship. (And with Veronica as a drama magnet, that must be refreshing.)
But in case it slipped under your radar, enjoy this sampling of exchanges between the two BFFs that prove Wallace is just as sarcastic as the super sleuth.
1. When He Found A Way to Place Himself In Veronica's Good Graces
Wallace: Girl, you should hear what people say about you.Veronica: So then what are you doing sitting here?Wallace: You sat next to me.Veronica: This is my table.Wallace: And what a fine table it is. What do you suppose this is made of? Oak?
And like that, a friendship slowly starts to form.
2. When They Were Mutually Icked Out About Their Parents Having Relations
Wallace: I walked in on 'em making out last night. She was sitting on his lap...Veronica: Hey! Hey, hey! No discussing parental PDA at lunch! It's your rule!Wallace: I'm sorry! I can't be the only one with that image burned in my brain!
It is a great tragedy, to say the least, that these two didn't actually end up as step-siblings.
3. When He Aided Veronica In Her Everyday Mystery-Solving
Veronica: Got any enemies you know about?Wallace: Well, there's the Klan.Veronica: This is not really their M.O.Wallace: I guess that leaves everybody that hates you.
Strangely enough, this did not narrow down clues for the caper of the tampered drug tests.
4. When He Acknowledged Their Friendship Dynamic
Veronica: Imagine what it'll mean if I can reunite him with the father he's never met. What?Wallace: It's like the NBA. Fatherless boy makes good, the dough starts rolling in, and here comes long-lost daddy expecting a payday.Veronica: It's not the same thing.Wallace: The world is upside down. Veronica Mars wants to believe in miracles, and I'm the cynical one.
I mean, it kind of makes sense that Wallace would be sour about this, considering all of his paternal abandonment issues.
5. When He Was Trying To Hide From His Best Bud
Veronica: Wallace?Wallace: Not here.Veronica: And you would be?Wallace: Evil Wallace. And I know Veronica Mars doesn't hang with the evil and morally bankrupt.
Sadly, Evil Wallace's plan did not pan out.
6. When Veronica Needed To Tap Him For Help, As Is Tradition
Veronica: Hey, would you do me a favor?Wallace: Why did all the hair on the back of my neck just stick up?
It's never just "Can I borrow a pen?" with that girl.
7. And Yet Again, He Acknowledged His Role In Veronica's Sleuthing
Veronica: Can you do me a weird favor without asking any questions?Wallace: Isn't that the bedrock upon which our friendship was founded?
It's good that he just accepts it.
8. When He Embraced The College Life
Veronica: And you call yourselves college men. Where are the posters of beer and half-naked ladies?Wallace: Oh, they're behind the case of porn and my shot glass collection.
This is adorable because I cannot imagine anyone, especially Wallace, having a "case of porn" — even in 2007. Come on, guys, that's what the internet is for.
9. When He Tried To Comfort A Post-Breakup Veronica The Only Way He Knew How
Veronica: I'm not looking for a pity party.Wallace: That's good, 'cause I always get stuck blowing up the pity balloons.
I appreciate the joke, though I understand that Veronica wasn't in the mood to receive it.
10. When The Pair Critiqued Higher Education
Veronica: I can't believe this is a class.Wallace: Hey, without film studies, how will we know what movies mean?
I'm sure, prior to said class, the two manifested their pop culture references out of nowhere.
11. When He Noted Veronica's Weakness For Logan All These Years Later
Wallace: So when Logan said "jump," did you actually say the words, "How high?" or was there just an understanding that you would achieve max verticality?Veronica: Wow. Two beers. That’s how long it takes for you to get surly.
Also, snaps for Mac's later comment that Piz "almost never gets charged with murder."
12. And Finally, When He Brilliantly Named An Entire Fanbase
Veronica: I had my own reasons for doing it, trust me. Wallace: Oh no, you don’t. You really think I’m going to let you get away with that? That might play with the masses, but underneath that angry young woman shell, there's a slightly less angry young woman who's just dying to bake me something. You're a marshmallow, Veronica Mars. A Twinkie.
Of course, Veronica is far from being all gooey sweetness, but leave it to Wallace to make her melt (albeit platonically) with his wit.
See? And you thought Veronica had a monopoly on the sarcasm in that friendship. Repent and go watch all of Wallace's best moments all over again.
Images: Warner Bros. Television; Giphy (12)