My New Years' resolutions as an adult have always been so practical: I vow I'm going to prepare my taxes earlier, visit the dentist regularly (yeah, right), and limit myself to only five pots of coffee a day. But the New Years' resolutions we made in the '90s looked a whole lot different. We weren't concerned with financial security or eliminating homelessness. It was more about promising yourself you wouldn't steal your little bro's Game Boy anymore, pinkie-swearing you weren't going to sneak Dunkaroos before dinner from now on, and proudly declaring that you were going to save up your allowance money for a new pair of light-up shoes. Because priorities.
'90s me was passionate about making these life-altering changes. Never mind the fact that statistically, most people don't end up sticking to their resolutions. Never mind the fact that no one cared whether or not I ate Dunkaroos before dinner. I couldn't be tamed. Every year, at the stroke of midnight, the big, shiny, glittery ball would drop and I'd watch silently, determined, adamant that from that point on, I was going to be a new person. Turn a new leaf. Give my life a makeover and be a better person. I boldly stated what my resolutions would be for the upcoming year...
1. I'm Going To Keep My Tamagotchi Alive For... At Least A Week
Let's not push it. Any longer than a week is just outrageous.
2. I Will Stop Leaving Bazooka Bubble Gum In The Pocket Of My Overalls
The 'rents get ticked when they take your pants out of the dryer and there's a giant wad of gum stuck to them.
3. I Will Achieve Kelly Kapowski Bangs
Look. Just look at her. Her hair game is on point. On fleek, even, despite the fact that "on fleek" was not a term we used in the '90s.
4. I Will Finally Memorize The Lyrics To "You Oughta Know"
Because you need to finally get it through your head that it's "cross I bear," not "cross-eyed bear."
5. I'm Going To Stop Stretching Out All My Tattoo Chokers
They never go back to their original size. Never.
6. I Will Only Use The Fruit Stripe Gum Tattoos On My Arms
Not my face. Even though I really, really want to.
7. I Will Memorize The Poem From 10 Things I Hate About You
Brilliance. Sheer brilliance.
8. I Will Stop Quoting Full House In Every Day Life
Oh, come on. Cut. It. Out. (Okay, now I'm done.)
9. I Will Consume Bubble Tape The Way We Were Meant To
I will henceforth unroll it, and not bite into it. Respect the Bubble Tape.
10. I Will Never Try To Give Myself The Rachel Haircut Again
I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry.
11. I Will Stop Using My Super Soaker Inside The House
Now there's a mistake you only make once.
12. I Will Have A Closet Like Cher From Clueless
As well as the corresponding software program that coordinates my outfits. It will be mine.
13. I Will Eat Healthier
Because this only worked in Romy and Michele's High School Reunion.
Want to have an awesome 2017? Then check out the "You IRL" stream in the Bustle App for tips on how to have the most empowering year yet.
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