We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a licensed sex psychotherapist based in San Francisco, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions will remain anonymous. Please send your sex and relationship inquiries to email@example.com. Now, onto this week’s topic: How to explore your bi-curiosity.
Q: I’m wondering if you have any advice about how to explore bi-curiosity. I’m in my senior year of college, and I've had what I think are small girl-crushes for as long as I can remember. The only problem is I’ve never actually done anything with a girl. I came close to making out with my friend while we were drunk and at a party together, but I’m worried about making things weird between us. I’m also currently dating a guy, and I don’t know how he’d feel about all of this. Any thoughts?
A: Anyone who has taken a Human Sexuality 101 class knows about the Kinsey Scale. Famous sex researcher Alfred Kinsey believed that sexual identity was a continuum, with gay on one end and straight on the other. He theorized that most people fall somewhere in the middle, meaning most of us are "a little gay" or "a little straight."
I tend to agree with Kinsey’s model. In my professional and personal experience, most people tend to have at least some interest in being with a member of the same sex. You’re definitely not alone in being curious! Here's how to go about exploring.
What Does It All Mean?
How To Decide If You're Ready
Consider what qualities and physical characteristics you’re attracted to in women. Think through discrete sexual acts, like kissing, groping, or oral sex, and notice which ones seem appealing and which ones seem out of your comfort zone. Try masturbating while fantasizing about being with another woman.
As you’re doing this fantasizing, notice what comes up for you. Pay attention to how your mind reacts, and compare that to how your body responds. Your mind may be feeling nervous or unsure, while your body may be giving you an enthusiastic “Hell yeah!”
If you want even more of a trial run before doing anything physical, try flirting with women out in public or putting a profile up on an online dating site. See how taking these additional steps makes you feel.
Selecting A Partner
If you’ve had a close call with your friend, you probably recognize the potential pros and cons of hooking up with a friend. Plenty of women have had drunken make-out sessions with their girlfriends, especially in college. Friends are easy because you already have a certain level of comfort with each other. However, it can make things awkward between the two of you the next day. Unless you feel confident that a hook-up wouldn’t make things weird with your friend, I’d suggest experimenting with someone else.
Doing The Deed
A lot of women end up exploring their bi-curiosity while tipsy. Drunken hookups can be a lot of fun, but they probably won’t help you figure out where you stand with the ladies. If you’re genuinely curious about your attraction to women, you’ll probably want to try hooking up when you’re sober.
But What If You Have A Boyfriend?
The Bottom Line
Image: Orange Is The New Black/Netflix
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