Oh, Frozen — the animated movie musical that just completely defies all laws of nature, soaring past the summer, even though according to science, it should have probably melted by now. But nope! The hope of Frozen 2 keeps this movie alive, even if Frozen 2 is definitely not a thing that is happening in the near future. It's just a dream.
But since Frozen 2 is just that, a dream — a surreal, chimerical, highly fanciful little bean of thought — then why don't we fantasize about it and make it the ultimate dream? Perhaps we may even wind up with Frozen 2 as the mash-up to end all mash-ups. If Disney won't produce Frozen 2, then this should be the sort of movie that would only come from the mind of the twisted, pop-culture obsessed Internet.
Ladies and gentlemen, here are some very, very, very silly pitches for Frozen 2, pooling together everything that you love. Because if there's one thing that the Internet taught me, it's this: mash up everything. And if there's one thing that Disney has taught me, it's this: if you're going to dream, DREAM HARD. A dream is a wish your heart makes, is it not? Then let your heart run rampant, my friends, and see what comes up, even if the results seem like are the product of a really bad acid trip. It's only faithful to the House of Mouse.
A Heartthrob For Elsa On A Horseback
Anna has Kristoff, so it only makes sense for Elsa to get a dude, too. Yes, Frozen made the very feminist and awesome point that you don't need a man, but if you're going to have a love interest, let him be on horseback. And let him be Tom Hiddleston, while you're at it.
Some Minor Plot Details
Anna, Kristoff, Elsa, and Hiddleston on Horseback sojourn through the newly un-frozen Arendelle. However, they've got one major problem. Now that they've de-thawed Arendelle, and Elsa is a normal person who can touch things without turning them into ice, it's December 20, so...
Winter Is Coming
Let's face it. Frozen and Game of Thrones were bound to meet. Enter the most chiseled, beautiful, best-coiffed, snowy man of all...
Who knows nothing, except for the fact that he's really into CGI ladies right now. In fact, he's pretty darn into Elsa. Unfortunately, Hiddleston on Horseback is not taking this too well, so now we must deal with a duel between Jon Snow and Hiddleston, which is not pretty. Olaf can make all the quips he wants, but it ain't gonna save one of these two dudes from diving off the deep end. Disney gets dark and depressing, and one of the two dies (don't worry, no spoilers for this fictional plot), so the other has to go to jail, because...
Frozen Is The New Black
.... Everyone is then forced to meet the cast of the popular Netflix series, who are currently in the process of dealing with a parallel Netflix universe in which Piper gets shipped off to a D.C. prison and finds Lucas from House of Cards circa Season 2 Episode 5. The two go to read some news, but instead of finding one of Larry's hate-inducing articles or anything political, all they see is tabloid fodder...
About These Two
But Anna and Elsa, back in their parallel universe, don't mind this at all since they're total Maks and Meryl 'shippers. But then they pause for thought, as people in dramas often do. The sisters realize they're caught up in some silly tabloid hoopla and have been binge watching way too much Netflix and HBO, so they ditch their dudes (including the one in jail), throw away their Apple TVs, and get on with their lives because they don't need anybody but each other. Sisters be doin' it for themselves.
And then they sing a power ballad that's stuck in your head for the next year or so.