2013 Emmys: We Hand Out Trophies for Fake Categories That You'd Actually Care About

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The 2013 Emmys are over. Awards were distributed. Happy and sad tears were shed. But now, we shall move on to the so-called meta-Emmys. There were some good, some bad, and some weird moments at this year's Emmys, and we must award accordingly. So, without further ado, we present you with The Emmy Awards Awards.

The Kerry Washington Award for Indisputable Beauty goes to: Kerry Washington. Duh.

The Rich 50 Is a Middle-Class 38 Jack Donaghy Award goes to: Bryan Cranston. His hair is so full! His locks gave Ryan Seacrest a run for his money in the coif department, which is saying something.

The Six Chicks Award goes to: The six ladies nominated for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series. Sure, Julia Louis-Dreyfus won, but they're all cool as can be. Can I be in their clique? Oh, you mean there isn't room for a seventh Six Chick? I'll go hide out in the basement closet, then.

The Marnie's Crazy Gold Plastic Dress Of Trying Too Hard Award goes to: Zosia Mamet. Oh, Zosia. 

The Dan Egan Stank Face Award goes to: Christina Hendricks' look of disbelief when Jon Hamm didn't win (yet again).

The Red Wedding Devastation Award goes to: Bobby Cannavale's win. Sorry, Bobby. You're lovely. Adored you in Blue Jasmine. But we've got our allegiances, and they're with the men behind the blue meth.

The Needs More Rob Lowe Award goes to: Elton John and that snoozefest of a performance. At least his glitter bomb of a jacket was around to keep my brain stimulated.

The Mother of Dragons Award goes to: Heidi Klum. Her dress looked something Daenerys Targaryen would wear to go conquer desert kingdom. Those sequins? They were actually dragon scales.

The Ken Cosgrove Tap Dance Scholarship goes to: Jimmy Fallon during the opening monologue. Keep on tappin', Fallon. Keep on, tappin'.

The Man After My Own Heart Award goes to: Ryan Seacrest. He said Giuliana Rancic's hair was "nutella-colored." I didn't hear anything he said after that, because I was too busy swooning.

The Macy Gray Award of Self-Promotion goes to: Kiernan Shipka. A dress adorned with flowers? Is this some clever way of reminding us she'll be in the upcoming remake of Flowers in the Attic? I see you, Kiernan!

The Leave 'Em Wanting More Award goes to: Merritt Wever. Her short and sweet acceptance speech for the Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series award was both memorable and delightful.

The Staying in Character Award goes to: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Tony Hale, and Anna Chlumsky during JLD's acceptance speech. Hale's live, nuanced performance of Selina Meyer's trusted bag-man was extra wonderful given that Hale had just won his category. And my girl Chlumsky begrudgingly texting was so, so right.

Most Likely to Curse Laura Linney: Jessica Lange and her newfound coven.

The High-Five a Million Angels Award goes to: Anna Gunn AND Claire Danes for their respective wins. We can't get enough of you ladies! 

That does it for the Emmy Awards Awards. And would you look at that? We didn't go overtime or lull you to sleep with a Carrie Underwood performance. You're welcome!

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