An Anal Sex Guide For Lesbians

Anal sex: it's perhaps one of the most controversial phrases in the English language, comprised of two of the most controversial words in the English language — which is part of the reason anal sex for lesbians is a taboo topic, too. From sodomy laws (which apparently still exist) to pop culture references, anal sex seems to be on everyone's mind — whether they love it, hate it, never want to try it, or have been working to outlaw it for years (it's never going to work, Catholic church). So, since most people seem unwilling to talk about it, obviously the subject requires a little more open discussion than it gets, and a better depiction of who's participating. And you know who is sometimes participating in anal sex? Lesbian and queer-identified women.

While anal sex is certainly a taboo topic overall, I would argue that it's less acceptable to discuss in the lesbian and queer-lady community than it is among gay, bisexual, or queer men and among straight people. This could be for a lot of reasons, the most prominent one being the belief that anal sex is only pleasurable for the person giving and not the person receiving; therefore, many women who have sex with women believe that no pleasure will come from anal for either party. In my experience, lesbians, for the most part, seem to believe that the asshole "is for decoration only," to quote the great Sarah Silverman.

But your asshole isn't a bullet wound, nor is it entirely useless for women when it comes to sex — and if you're a lesbian, queer, or bisexual woman who's interested in exploring the secret world of anal sex with your lady partner, you should be able to do so without fear of being judged. Let's start by debunking some myths and answering some questions about anal sex to help you get the ball rolling with your partner.

Will it even feel good?

Just like breasts, inner thighs, lips, and necks, anuses are erogenous zones on the body and can be highly sensitive and pleasurable places to be touched, meaning a person receiving anal sex can certainly enjoy it.

Won't it hurt too much?

It's true that, unlike the vagina, the anus doesn't naturally lubricate, making it harder to stick something in there without causing pain, discomfort, or tearing. But fear not, because it's 2015 and, therefore, time for you to start incorporating more lube during sex! Lube is awesome because it decreases friction during sex and can be used to make it easier to interact with the anus, vagina, or any other orifice you want. You can put lube straight onto your hands, genitals, or anus if you're planning on just using fingers, or you can slather it onto a toy if that's your thing. Be careful with lube and toys though, because some lubricants can interact with and corrode some sex-toy material. Check out this nifty chart to brush up on your lubricant knowledge.

Won't there be poop involved?

The biggest misconception associated with anal sex is that it's gross specifically because there will probably be poop involved. But fear not! Since the anus is the lower part of the rectum, there's actually little to no fecal matter involved, and the likelihood of you having to interact with poop is actually pretty low.

Yay! Now that we know a little bit more about anal, you might be wondering: how do I, a woman who wants to try anal with my lady-lover, talk to said lady-lover about it?

Now, how do I talk to my partner about it?

Think back to the first time you told your partner about something you wanted in bed that maybe varied from your normal routine or had the potential to throw her off a little. How did you ultimately do it? Did you just slip it into conversation casually or discuss it as its own thought? Did you do it over text or in person? Was the conversation full of eye-contact or did you just stare at her boobs? Use whatever method you're comfortable with to broach the subject and bring about a straightforward discussion about it.

The first time I wanted to tell my first partner about one of my kinks, choking, I actually waited until we were mid-sex, in the fiery throes of passion when seriously anything goes. When I told her what to do to me, she paused every-so-briefly, asked me if I was sure, and went for it. As it turned out, she enjoyed doing it and I enjoyed how it felt, and after two incredible orgasms, I curled up in her arms and we had a conversation about whether or not it was OK, what my limits were, how I would let her know if she had crossed them, whether she wanted me to try it on her, and why I enjoyed it so much.

Of course, I was able to make my sexual suggestion mid-coitus because she and I had dated for years and we were very comfortable with one another and comfortable having a proper conversation about my kink after the fact. Many people will choose to have the conversation about anal before trying it to make sure their partner isn't put in an uncomfortable situation during sex, and many will have it after sex, perhaps leading in with something like "Hey, that was amazing! You know what I'd love to try next time..."

If you don't feel comfortable doing bringing it up for the first time in person, there's no harm in sending your partner a text, Facebook message, or gif of Tina Belcher being really into butts. But whatever forum you choose, be explicit about your desires as to avoid confusion and frustration, and always open up the floor for her to contribute, ask questions, or discuss more.

There's no right or wrong way to do it, and no right or wrong time if there's explicit consent involved. If your partner is talking to you about wanting to try anal sex, the most important thing is to be respectful and open to what she's saying, even if you're not immediately comfortable with it. There's nothing wrong with being hesitant towards something, but there's no reason to make someone else feel like their desires are weird because of your own discomforts. It's also OK to suggest anal and then realize once you've tried it out that you don't love it. Bodies are for exploring, and as long as everyone involved is down with the cause, it's OK if it doesn't lead you to expected or desired results.

In this video, Dr. Lindsay Doe, a clinical sexologist who is the master mind behind the YouTube channel Sexplanations gives us an awesome, succinct, and incredibly informative run-down on the ins and outs of anal sex, including tips on anal play before, during, and after it happens, education on the anatomy of the rectum, and pertinent STI information.

In the great words of Dr. Doe, "the anus is just like any other part of the body that deserves exploration and attention." Don't leave that little lady on her own without any love.

Images: Giphy (3)