This 'Pirates Of The Caribbean 5' Still Could Mean A Lot Of Things, So Let's Analyze It — PHOTO
On Tuesday, Jerry Bruckheimer released the first image promoting the fifth installment of the Pirates franchise, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales. Yes, Pirates is back (and no, I'm not sure why). Bruckheimer tweeted an image of Captain Jack Sparrow all tied up, leaving me speculating about all the things that could be happening to Johnny Depp in this first Pirates Of The Caribbean 5 photo.
To begin with, let's look at what we know so far about Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales. First, Captain Jack Sparrow will go toe-to-toe with Captain Salazar (Javier Bardem) and his murderous crew of pirates who have escaped the Bermuda Triangle and are attempting to kill all the pirates at sea. Second, Captain Jack will seek out the Trident of Poseidon to use against Salazar. Third, the people behind the Pirates franchise realized that Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom were no longer enough to lure people into seeing more Pirates films, so they recruited Javier Bardem to up the hot guy ante and try to get us into theaters (or so I'm guessing). Lastly, Michael Bolton is going to be psyched about this film.
In the first image from the film, Captain Jack is pictured tied up with a panic-stricken look on his face. Though we won't find out the truth until Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales is released on July 7, 2017, here are 7 things that could be happening to Johnny Depp in this first look at Pirates 5.
Johnny Depp Has Been Held Hostage For All of Production
Tying him up was the only way they could get Johnny Depp to do another Pirates film.
Johnny Depp Is Being Tortured By Being Forced to Watch Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
This is a horror that has traumatized many a brave man.
He Is Being Punished for Not Bringing His Own Rum
Why is all the rum gone? Because you never bring your own damn booze to parties, Johnny. YOU KNOW IT'S BYOB.
He Pissed Off King Triton When He Stole His Trident, and Is About to Face the Wrath of the Sea King
Everyone knows not to mess with a king's trident. Also, my lame Little Mermaid joke lead me to discover that King Triton is, in fact, Poseidon's son in Greek mythology... so this scenario is not actually that implausible.
Captain Jack Is Pursuing a New Career
Captain Jack's drinking has inhibited his success as a pirate so he has been forced to take up a new career as a magician. This will be Sparrow's first magical debut attempting an incredible rope escape.
Bruckheimer and Co. Is Pulling a Titanic
Jerry Bruckheimer finally agreed to discontinue the franchise, and lets Jack Sparrow go down with his ship in the end so we don't have to put up with anymore sequels. Captain Jack's last words are a somber recitation of lyrics from Dido's "White Flag." Sparrow slurs quietly, "I will go down with this ship. I will close my eyes and surrender," as he goes to his watery grave. (Too dark?)
He Lost a Wager to Captain Salazar in a Game of Poker
Unable to defeat Captain Salazar with his swashbuckling, Captain Jack challenges Captain Salazar to a high stakes game of Texas Hold 'Em. Winner takes all, loser dies.
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