What Your Hair Says About Your Sex Life, Because It's So Much More Than Dead Skin Cells
"Your hair, it's everywhere / Screaming infidelities!" That's me, singing that Dashboard Confessional song... at the top of my lungs. Besides reminding you of what a cheating jerk someone is, hair type, style, and color affects sexuality. Hair is more than just a bunch of dead skin cells coming out of your head — it's a form of self-expression. If your hair is on point (or on fleek, as the case may be), it doesn't matter what else is going on. That's why it's really important to know what your hair says about you.
Not only does your hairstyle give people a peek into your personality, but it also tells everyone how you like to do the deed. Is someone with Beyonce-like lustrous waves the same in bed as a chick with a short pink mohawk? Me thinks not. Do you prefer to hang out at Rockaway Beach or the Jersey Shore? Are you more Taylor Swift or Faith Hill? Are you straight up missionary (nothing wrong with vanilla!), or a wild woman in a sex swing? Big diff, people, big diff. I have even noticed my sex personality changing in accordance with my hair styles — all I have to say is watch out when summer rolls around and my normally wavy-ish hair goes full on poodle.
So without further ado, here's what your hair says about your sex life, from cut to color.
Long straight-haired gals are the dark horses of hair styles. They may look innocent and sweet, but when the lights go down, their inner stripper comes out. Straighties want everything to be impeccable. Fragrant candles, dim lighting, rose petals for special occasions, and the most perfect, thoughtfully-curated Spotify sexy-time playlist. Unfortunately, they don't always remember to switch to private session.
If one is too damn lazy to do their hair, they're bound to be lazy between the sheets (which they never wash). Buns are the missionary of hair styles. After all, it's much easier for the guy to get on top and set the pace. Bun girls are usually done in five minutes (10 minutes, tops), but everyone gets off.
And by unconventional, I mean a mohawk, anything green, blue, or purple (pink doesn't count, sorry), or anything the chick from Die Antwoord sports. These women have sexual fetishes that make 50 Shades of Grey look like child's play. Nothing is off limits to these Vasco da Gamas of sex (you may even need a day of recovery after). Soldier on, ladies!
Yes, I'm putting these into the same category: They are sides of the same coin. They're precise and meticulous and may be a bit critical. So if you don't hit the right spots, they may give you the boot. Forget about sex on the beach; these gals do not want sand in their hoo-has.
Curly hair or straight hair with curls
Ladies with curly hair love being the star of the show, so they're into any position where they can really shine, like girl-on-top or doggy style. Or anything in front of a mirror. They love the drama that comes with being a star, which means you can count on screwing like a porn star, complete with loud moans. Also known for back scratching.
Wavy hair girls are emotional and nurturing like puppies or nurses. They don't just bang, they make love. Spooning or eye-to-eye missionary is your go-to. They may even whisper sweet-nothings into their partner's ear with your hot steamy breathe — no dirty talk here. She has a gorgeous collection of La Perla lingerie and is an expert on transitioning between positions with the grace of a deer.
Well, hello! Turns out ginger women are having the most orgasms out of all of us. Who needs a vibrator when you have a head full of fiery-read hair? Turns out redheads also have more partners. So if your "O" has been missing in action, perhaps the best thing to do would just be to dye your hair red.
Being blonde can boost your confidence and your self-image. They are more adventurous in bed, letting down their hair (pun totally intended) and allowing themselves to get totally wild between the sheets.
Blondes may be more adventurous, but when push comes to shove, it turns out brunettes are perceived as being the best in bed. That's right — brunettes make the best lovahs! Brunettes know how to throw it down and satisfy. Meow!
Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our new podcast, I Want It That Way, which delves into the difficult and downright dirty parts of a relationship, and find more on our Soundcloud page.
Images:Fatimeh Nadimi/Flickr; Getty (1,3,6,8,9); Giphy (2,4,5,7)