There are so many reasons to love summer: Everyone is a little more laid back, the days are longer, and vacations are planned. But for someone who sweats a lot, summer is usually hell. Because as much as everyone can enjoy chill days, more daylight, and traveling, it’s the hot, sticky, humid, dreadful weather that ruins everything. And it’s right about this time of year — with summer lingering in the not so distant future — when the sun becomes its hottest and the heat is inevitable that the universe promises lots and lots of perspiration.
I know this for a fact because I am a sweaty person. Come the beginning of spring and its progression into summer, I can often be found in my natural habitat where my clothes are drenched in sweat. I’m constantly complaining about how hot the weather is, and I try to stay inside accompanied by A/C as much as possible. Thus, it’s probably not surprising that I hate the hot weather, and that I would live in the arctic if I could.
So, in an effort to relate to all my fellow sweaty humans, here are seven weird and bullshitty things people have said or asked me throughout my tenure of dealing with my perspiration. And if you’re one of the lucky ones who aren’t drenched in their sweat all day every day, here are seven reasons why we sweaty people maybe (probably) hate you. Well, not really. But being a sweaty person is not easy.
1. "What’s on your shirt?"
Oh, you mean this stain on my chest? And the matching stains on my armpits? Did you get a good look at the one on my lower back? Because that, my friend, is sweat. I sweat so hard that my own bodily liquids secrete through my skin and stain my clothing.
Yes, I know you might not find it to be the attractive thing in the world. And yes, I know it looks like a Rorschach test. But no, I don’t appreciate you pointing it out to me. Because frankly, it’s hot as balls outside so how do you expect me to stay cool and serene in 103 degree weather with 85 percent humidity and no wind shield? So back off, and let me sweat it out naturally.
2. "You shower HOW many times a day?"
Your jaw is welcome to drop when I tell you I’ve showered three times today. You can judge me all you want, but because of how much I sweat, it is absolutely necessary for me. Don’t worry, they’re quick showers, and as you can imagine I only use icy cold water. But the only way we sweaty humans can usually be comfortable and relaxed, prepped, and ready for the next hurdle life has in store for us is by taking a shower.
3. "You always wear dark colors."
I only wear black because it’s the color of my soul. And because it’s the only way to disguise those unsightly pit stains I discussed earlier. Sure, black may absorb more sunlight than lighter colors, and yes it can be difficult not to look like a vampire during the summertime.
That being said, sweat stains white clothing and looks too obvious in grey clothing. Other light colors might do, but black is so basic and goes with everything, so it’s the obvious choice. Plus, maybe if I only wear dark colors the weather will get cold and crisp again. Not likely, but a girl can dream, right?
4. "Don’t you use deodorant?"
Oh, you mean that stuff that’s supposed to keep your sweat under control? It doesn’t work. And neither do antiperspirants, sprays, liquids, gels, or any other product in that aisle at the grocery store. All deodorant does it temporarily make my armpits smell good. But after a few hours, the stuff gets wiped away by my strong, pungent sweat and just disappears — and it’s like I never even applied it in the first place.
5. "I don’t understand how you can’t like summer."
For all you summer lovers out there, I probably already offended you with my introduction to this piece. But like I said, it’s not the idea of summer that we sweaty humans hate. It’s just summer itself, and it’s the dreadful weather.
As much as I appreciate the sun and its ability to give light, grow food, and keep the earth functioning, it is my absolute worst enemy. The sun is the reason my skin gets warm, hot, and sticky, and of course, makes me sweat.
While the sun is arguably hotter in other places of the world, the U.S. gets its fair share of heat. I can honestly say that I don’t know how people on the equator survive. I would just melt.
6. "Where did your makeup go?"
It’s this side effect of being sweaty that breaks my heart the most. For us folks who love anything and everything about makeup, being sweaty is a real tragedy. For me, I know that no matter how much setting powder I use, and no matter how many products I apply, within a few hours of leaving the house and stepping outside to bare the heat, my makeup will melt and shed and eventually disappear into thin air.
On top of being sweaty, I also have oily skin, so my face rejects any kind of powder or liquid makeup in the summer. So don’t mind me slipping away to the bathroom every hour or so to dab my face with blotting paper.
7. "Are you hot?"
Everyone knows that one person who is inevitably going to ask this question when you’re clearly dying from a heat stroke, going through layers of hot flashes, and are covered in your own salty liquid. So, as much as we love them (or hate them), as calmly as possible we simply reply, “Yes.”
The chance that we are going to be hot all throughout summer is high. Expect the answer to remain the same, OK?
So, thanks for asking. Not.
Images: Melodi Erdogan; Giphy