The dinosaur-centric thriller, Jurassic World,will be released in theaters on June 12, but the anticipation surrounding the film has reached a fervor since it was announced that the film — then coined Jurassic Park 4 — was in the works all the way back in 2013. To further whet your appetite for the movie's debut, The New York Post reported on what we know thus far about Jurassic World's new dinosaur. Although having a park occupied by dinosaurs seems exciting enough all on its own, apparently the park's owners in the film notice the concept becoming stale among the crowds the movie's theme park drives in. If you've seen one Triceratops, you've seen them all, eh? Enter the Indominus rex, a genetically modified dinosaur which basically combines every volatile facet of other dinosaur species, is ginormous, and likely very, very hungry. What could possibly go wrong? If your answer to that question was, "everything," congratulations! You are correct.
The Jurassic World trailer gives way to the fact that genetically modifying a prehistoric creature is the perfect recipe for chaos, and information about the Indominus rex's aesthetic and capabilities make its presence all the more terrifying:
"Though pictures of the creature have largely been kept under wraps, the genetically modified dino is a mix of several varieties and, at 43 feet long and 18 feet tall, generally resembles a T. rex, only with horns on its head and bony plates along its body. It also has a roar as loud as a 747 and can reach speeds of 30 mph."
Yikes! Where is Jeff Goldblum when you need him? Luckily the film vetted Chris Pratt to play raptor whisperer, Owen, who looks like he knows his way around some prehistoric horns. Still, taking on a creature as massive and vitriolic as the Indominous rex has to be a formidable task. What's a hunky raptor trainer like Owen to do? I've got a few ideas on what this film needs to help Owen win the battle against this dino-monster. Obviously, said film has already been completed, so my ideas will likely not weave themselves into the fabric. But hey, it's still fun to think about and can hopefully carry us over until we actually get to behold this fourth installment on the big screen.
He Needs Jeff Goldblum
I'm still clinging to the hope that our boy, Goldblum, makes an appearance in the film. But for reals, guys, Goldblum's character (Ian Malcolm) obviously has experience with dinosaur situations gone awry. He could totes help tame the Indominous rex.
He Needs A Well-Trained T. Rex
I'd wager a guess that the T. Rex and Indominous rex speak the same language — or at least have a better understanding of each other than we as humans would. A docile T. Rex (they could exist, guys! You never know...) could help ameliorate some of the Indominous rex's violent tendencies. They could chillax with a Netflix binge, eat some leftover antelope, or whatever tickles the fancy of prehistoric creatures being introduced to the 21st century.
He Needs Snacks
A fully belly of things other than human beings could solve any Indominous rex problems real quick.
Pizza Fixes Everything
In order to piggyback off my last point, I'd like to mention that pizza fixes everything. Give the Indominous rex pizza, and I can just about guarantee things will stop going haywire.
Make Sure To Stretch
You're going to need to stretch before all that running you're about to do. I hear dinosaurs — particularly the genetically modified kind — are pretty fast.
Invest In A Helicopter
The Indominous rex may be massive and fierce, but can she catch you when you're up in the clouds? I submit she cannot.
He Needs To Give The Indominous Rex The Benefit Of The Doubt
Has anyone at any point considered that maybe — just maybe — the Indominous rex isn't such a bad gal after all? My mother always told me, "don't judge a book or a genetically modified dinosaur by its cover," and yes I made the last part of that statement up.
He Needs To Attempt Communication With The Indominous Rex
If we've learned anything from the above Jurassic Park parody video, it's that all those "terrifying" dinosaurs were really just trying to say "hey."
He Needs Even More Jeff Goldblum
OK, this is honestly just me aching for a Goldblum appearance. Can you blame me, though? We could all use some more Goldblum in our lives.
Images: Universal Pictures (1); Giphy (9)