I'm actually embarrassed about how I found out about Tumblr. (JK, I'm on Tumblr, I wouldn't know what shame was if it got up on a bar naked and started doing Nickelback karaoke in my face.) To be perfectly honest, guys, I only found out Tumblr was a "thing" through fan fiction. Somebody messaged me saying that I must be "so excited about the gif sets for my stories" (insert humble brag here), so I checked it out. One casual click and two years later, and it's official: I spend way too much time on Tumblr, and there is no cure for me now.
It all started so innocently. I set up an account. I followed other fanfickers. I sent out a very Taylor Swift-esque plea for help, because I had no idea what the social implications of reblogging, liking, and commenting on reblogs meant. The plan was to admire those fancy gif sets and then peace out, ride away on my adulthood pony, do whatever normal twenty-somethings were supposed to be doing with their lives.
Do I even need to cue the record scratch? You already know what happened, or we both wouldn't be here right now.
It's not our fault that we're addicted, really. Like, when you think about it, Tumblr is kind of like Reddit and Pinterest and Facebook all rolled into a shameful, beautiful little bundle of geek sauce. All you have to do is scroll, scroll, scroll, and the magic and madness is hand delivered to you. It's the internet version of a guy in a white van telling you he doesn't just have candy, but also warm Krispy Kreme donuts and pizza and an HBOGo password. Are we supposed to just say no to that? (Yes. Actually, yes. Don't get into a stranger's van. This was a terrible metaphor and I regret everything.)
If I'm not making any sense right now, I blame Tumblr. Then again, I blame Tumblr for most things. Here are the signs that you are on the same sad captain-less boat that I am, and have officially spent too much time on Tumblr:
You yell “tag your porn” at waiters delivering delicious food
It was just that one time, but it turns out once is too many times for your friends to ever risk going out to dinner with you again. (Damn those bacon-wrapped mozzarella sticks. Damn them to hell.)
You have more “mmm whatcha say” moments than actual feelings
I spilled scalding tea all over myself this past weekend and was "mmm whatcha say"ing about it before the receptors in my brain started firing about near boiling hot liquid searing on my skin.
You have reimagined all of your favorite characters gender-swapped
You wake up in the middle of the night with your fingers scrolling down an invisible dash
Some people have sex dreams. I have scrolling through my Tumblr feed dreams.
You have started spontaneously laughing on public transport thinking of a text post you reblogged six months ago
And then you're all, "No, it was hilarious, guys, you just had to see the way it was typed."
You’ve told your coupled friends you ‘ship them
And they're like, "K."
You live in mortal fear of the SuperWhoLock fandom
I hesitated before even making this one of my bullet points. Like, if you're reading this, tribunal of SuperWhoLock gods/dispenser of infinite gifs, please do not misinterpret. My fear is borne from respect. And even more fear.
Breaking news doesn't impress you anymore
Your friends: Oh my god, did you hear about that—
You: Yeah. Six hours ago, on my Tumblr feed.
(Is this a safe space to confess that I've learned about every major celebrity death in the last two years while on the toilet and scrolling on Tumblr? Trying peeing and crying about Cory Monteith at the same time and then get back to me about how pathetic your life and times are.)
You know the literal second the layout on the site changes
And you have either actually have or have deeply considered writing something snarky about it @staff.
You feel pretty confident about holding your own in a presidential debate
Your dash is like "gif set, gif set, gif set, entire rant about the history of feminism and racial tensions in the US, gif set, text post about pizza and dying alone, gif set". So yeah. You accidentally got learnt about a ton of hot button issues, and incidentally, you also really want pizza.
Your phone background is of something pretty you saw someone reblog but didn’t reblog yourself
You know the entire plot to Teen Wolf without ever having watched one episode
Hang in there, all of you 'shipping Dylan O'Brien with...well, everyone on the show.
You've summoned the "science side of Tumblr" more and trust them more than Google
Haha, it's almost like this site is full of total nerds.
You've deleted and redownloaded the Tumblr app 16 times
It's the best thing ever! But it sucks out all your battery life. But there's nothing else to do while I pee! But it cost $26 in overage charges. IT'S JUST TOO BEAUTIFUL TO RESIST. But it might make your phone explode before you even finish your morning coffee.
You have actual, legitimate finger cramps from scrolling down your dash
Guys, I was up so late on Tumblr last night that it hurts my right hand to type this right now. Other people have sore right hands for significantly less dorky, NSFW reasons, but I'm still here, living my awkward, cramped finger truth.
You haven't opened your Facebook in 8,000 years
RIP, Facebook feed. You may have just added gifs to Facebook, but it's too little, too late.