I have never un-ironically sent a sext before, but I might as well have. One could argue that reblogging Tumblr sex quotes is every bit as facepalm-worthy, if not more so. At least with a sext there is an actual human being (hopefully) deriving some pleasure from the ~naughty~ stuff you're typing. In Tumblr-land, it's just you and all the other people aggressively ignoring their homework/financial responsibilities/hopes and dreams by scrolling without abandon into the internet abyss. Am I making an offensive generalization here by saying that most of us are not getting regularly laid?
For a bunch of nerd bloggers, though, we sure do have a lot of thoughts to think about sex. And by virtue of nerd blogging, we feel possessed to put them on the internet, because what else are we going to do with all that free time we have while we're not having sex? (I'm sorry, guys, I'll stop throwing cheap shots at us. When we all GET LIVES.) In any case, I went ahead and did a round up of the best sexts and sexy thoughts on Tumblr, because let's be honest, the Tumblr brand of sex is the only kind of sex everyone really wants to be having. MARINATE IN YOUR JEALOUSY, non-Tumblr people, and observe our deep, deep thoughts:
1. Sexting 101
Me Sexting
Me: I’m typing to you with one hand baby
Them: What are you doing with the other huh? (;
Me: Eating Pizza
2. This lifelong struggle
"I need a hug. Or an orgasm. Or a hug and orgasm. A hugasm.”
— we need it
3. This precious-ish request
i want a sweet cute relationship with lots of cuddling but then i want to have rough sex against a wall (◡‿◡✿)
4. Deep thoughts about High School Musical metaphors
I Don’t Dance from the hit movie High School Musical 2 is actually a metaphor for gay sex. The whole song is Chad supressing himself, trying not only to convince Ryan, but convince himself that he isn’t gay. When Ryan says “Hey batter batter swing” he is meaning “Hey Chad, swing my way, which is gay.” Baseball and dancing are metaphors for straight and gay sex, which Ryan says are one in the same, the same game. Chad disagrees and is reluctant. Ryan says “You’ll never know if you never try.” In the middle of the second verse, Chad starts to give in saying “You better spin that pitch you’re gonna throw me, I’ll show you how I swing.” basically meaning he’s a top. The dance break is them having sex. You will see in the next scene of the movie they are both wearing each other’s clothes, this is because they got dressed in a hurry after doing it.
5. The least holy thought your brain will ever have
imagine having sex with a ghost and then someone walks into your room and they see your asshole widening and narrowing for no reason
(jh5)
6. This very relevant metaphor
anon: sex before marriage?
answer: i’d prefer to give the trial version a go before upgrading to the full version :)
(no-wifi)
7. This real sauce
a new sex position called 11. two people lying in a bed together. fully clothed and chilling. bonding is more important than sex
(snoia)
8. This astrological romance
In bed with bae
Her: Babe I wanna have a baby
Me: When?
Her: Right now… *Climbs on top of me*
Me: *Throws her off*
*pulls out Calendar*
Me: Uh uh. Look here.. right now it’s September and approximately 9 months from now it’ll be around June, which means there’s a strong chance our baby could be a Gemini. Too Risky. Let’s not.
9. The economical power of dick sucking
One of my friends asked me the other day if I would suck one thousand dicks for a billion dollars, and I love questions like that because not only are they so demonstrative of the no-homo society we live in, but they also show a fundamental lack of understanding that some people have for the value of money. Like, do you realize just how much money one billion dollars is? Do you realize I could live my life in the lap of luxury buying literally everything I could ever want and still have a fortune to leave to my children?? For sucking some dicks?? We are talking 1 million dollars per dick sucked!! That’s just economical like come on man.
10. This particularly winning fetish
I wish that my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
(crowave)
11. The inner monologue of every insecure '90s baby
IF YOU WANNA BE MY LOVER
are u sure? like are u really sure? have u seen me? u did not think this through
Images: NBC; Giphy(5)
