39 Questions We Have About Rihanna's "BBHMM"

by Orli Matlow

"Bad Gal RiRi" dropped her major new music video upon the world after months of anticipation, and watching it will make you excited, scared, and confused. The "Bitch Better Have My Money" music video is like an even crazier Spring Breakers, condensed to 7 minutes and with full-frontal nudity. It even has some trippy lighting like Spring Breakers. However, it has Mads Mikkelsen of Hannibal instead of James Franco, although Mikkelsen suffers just about the same fate as Alien did. The song is a great entry into the "beautiful women behaving badly" genre like Spring Breakers, and has EVERYTHING: naked torture, girl gangs, murder and weed. But it also leaves me with questions about Rihanna's "Bitch Better Have My Money" music video that I need answered.

When the music video opens with a "Mature Adult Warning" due to language, nudity, and violence, they really mean that "viewer discretion is advised." This one is darker than your average video. RiRi heightens the revenge fantasy of Taylor Swift's "Blank Space" to even crazier proportions. Instead of kicking and beating up paintings, RiRi beats up people, and, instead of seeking revenge on someone from her "long list of ex-lovers who tell her [she's] insane," she is seeking revenge on... you'll have to watch and see, it's actually a cool twist. "Bitch Better Have My Money" is starting to give us ideas for if our roommates can't pay rent. It's as easy as kidnapping, torture, and murder to make sure you get what you need.

Without further ado, here are 38 questions we had while indulging in this trippy experience.

1. Where are we?

This is a beautiful tropical location (based on the palm trees).

2. Could this be Rihanna's home country of the Barbados?

Could it?!

3. Who is this blonde woman?

Rachel Roberts, apparently.

4. How old is she?

For all we know, she could be using Rihanna's money to make herself look youthful and ethereal.

5. How badass does RiRi look driving a pickup truck?

6. Is she wearing a Robin Sparkles-style jean jacket?

7. Where is blonde woman's shirt?

8. Can she not afford a real bra?

9. Is this a #FreeTheNipple promo?

10. Is RiRi dragging a cello?

11. Is she wearing a skunk?

12. Did Rihanna change outfits again?

13. Is that a blunt or a delicately hand-rolled cigarette that she's smoking?

14. Is this supposed to be an homage to Saw?

15. Who is this Girl Gang Rihanna has?

16. Does Rihanna's Girl Gang get into gang fights with Taylor Swift's?

17. How many cars do they have?

18. If they have multiple cars, why are they still using pay phones?

I mean, it seems like they could probably afford cell phones.

19. Did they just torch that car?

They could have sold it and bought a cell phone.

20. What is this boat?

OK, I guess they can definitely afford a cell phone.

21. Is it just me or does that explosion look like a marijuana leaf?

22. Why is Rihanna wearing a corset?

She should wear a bathing suit and get into the kiddie pool with the girl gang!

23. Is that a female cop?

No, no it is not. Sad.

24. Wait a second — is that Mr. Healy from Orange is the New Black?

Sadly, this is once again a no.

25. Seriously, what/who is in that big case?

Follow up question: Is the wife still in there? Do they just keep taking her out and putting her back in?

26. Why are they doing Blonde Woman's make up?

27. Are they really putting fake eyelashes on that towel over her eyes?

30. Rihanna, is it the best idea to get stoned in a stressful hostage situation?

Your ability to reason will be impaired.

31. Was that Blonde Woman strapped under the floatie in the pull?

I was distracted by Rihanna's beautiful butt.

32. Did RiRi borrow Dexter Morgan's complete set of kill tools?

33. Is that Hannibal as the accountant?

Hannibal would never end up in this position.

34. Is he scared?

I would be. This shit is scarier than Hannibal.

35. Are we back where we started?

But with extra blood!

36. What is the chronology of this music video?

37. Have we completely moved between space and time?

38. Why is Rihanna just chilling with the money out in the open like that?

She could get caught!

39. Is it just me or is Rihanna at her sexiest while drenched in other people's blood?

The world may never know.

Watch the video — and ask yourself these questions — at your own risk.

Images: YouTube (38)