What Your Hogwarts House Says About Your Sex Life
We're all very sad that Cedric Diggory is dead, but can I just say something even sadder? Cedric Diggory isn't just dead — he died a virgin (who can't drive!). I mean, yes, that is just an assumption on my part, and no, sex is not required for a fulfilling human existence (or necessarily ever even taught at Hogwarts), but also just like...Cedric. (OK, I'm objectifying a 17-year-old boy who basically wears a cape, so I'm cutting myself off.) What I'm trying to say without actually saying "YOLO" is that our time on this earth is limited, and there is no point in denying that Hogwarts graduates itself some sexy, sexy beasts. And if you're looking to navigate that field of sexy, you can actually tell a lot about a person's sex life based on what Hogwarts house they're in.
Full disclosure, guys: I am a Hufflepuff/Slytherin hybrid. The actual sorting hat in the actual Pottermore game told me so. (My existential crisis is ongoing, thanks for asking.) It is based off of this experience and the experiences of my Gryffindor and Ravenclaw friends that I can attest to the individual prowesses of each house to a pretty damn accurate degree, so gather round, all ye Potterheads. Here's what your house says about your sex life:
The sex you're having: You're havin' sex all day, erryday—and the weirder it is, the better. Risk-taking turns you on like whoa, and during sexy games of "truth or dare" you are always, always, always "dare". Despite all your sexnanigans, you have a relationship heavily rooted in mutual trust. Your safe word is "snarfalump."
Where you're having it: The edge of the Forbidden Forest. Muggles' cars. On broomsticks in midair. Mid-apparating. IF YOU CAN DREAM IT, YOU CAN DO IT.
Sex jam of choice: "Get Lucky," Daft Punk.
The kind of sex you're having: Intimate, missionary, incredibly chatty sex. Yeah, you blow each other's minds, but sex can also randomly turn into an impromptu book club or intense discussion about what kind of takeout you want delivered. Seamless is your love language.
Where you're having it: The bedroom. Under the boardwalk. In the rain. Anywhere you've seen it done in a rom com.
Sex jam of choice: "Let's Get It On," Marvin Gaye. Hufflepuffs—#basic and proud.
What kind of sex you're having: Anyone who thought that the nerds were having humdrum, textbook sex is ridonkulously wrong. Ravenclaws rival Gryffindors on the experimentation front, and are willing to try anything once. They are the pros of shameless, open communication during sex, and are rarely if ever self-conscious doing the deed.
Where you're having it: In the office. In the ~restricted section~. Near the fireplace. In front of some cats.
Sex jam of choice: "Love Me Like You Do," Ellie Goulding.
What kind of sex you're having: You will never have a partner as dedicated to gettin' you some as a Slytherin. They've got unparalleled ambition, and your orgasm is game, set, MATCH. However, they will not hesitate to blue ball you the moment you make a "slither ... in" joke. THIS HAS BEEN A PSA. Don't say you weren't warned.
Where you're having it: Your bedroom. Other people's bedrooms. The very expensive heirloom couch your dead grandmother left you.
Sex jam of choice: "Feelin' Myself," Nicki Minaj and Beyoncé.
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Images: Warner Bros.; Giphy(4)