7 Uncomfortable Signs You’re Fighting For A Relationship That’s All Wrong For You
Relationships are never perfect. No matter how happy and content you are, there are going to be ups and downs. If you want your relationship to work out, it only makes sense to fight for it. But before you exert anymore effort into keeping your relationship, it's important to take a step back and really think about whether or not your partner is the one for you. Because according to experts, you may be fighting for a relationship to work that may not be meant to.
It may seem kind of crazy to work hard at something that's not going anywhere. But as relationship expert and therapist, Emily Mendez, M.S. EdS, tells Bustle, it's pretty common. "There are a variety of reasons why people fight for a relationship that is all wrong for them," she says.
For instance, some may fight for "bad" relationships because they've already put in a ton of effort and emotional investment. Those are not things you can easily give up without any care. Then there are those who feel like ending a relationship is a failure on their part. This type of thinking might lead people to stay in situations that aren't entirely healthy.
"Many of us have moments when we are certain we are with the right one and other moments when we aren’t so sure anymore," Caleb Backe, Health and Wellness Expert for Maple Holistics, tells Bustle. Although it can be hard to differentiate between normal difficulties in a relationship and signs that indicate your relationship is headed downhill, there are certain indications that could mean that you’re fighting for a relationship that’s all wrong for you. So here's what you should look out for, according to experts.
1. The Thought Of Being Single Again Is Unappealing To You
"There are a lot of things to consider when you're wondering if a relationship is right or wrong for you," therapist Julie Williamson, LPC, tells Bustle. If you think your relationship isn't right for you and you're still choosing to stay and fight for it, Williamson says you need to ask yourself why. If it has anything to do with a fear of being lonely, that's not a good reason to stay. "These reasons are more self-focused, rather than focused on the health of the relationship," she says. "These thoughts and fears often keep people in unhealthy relationships even though they are unhappy or have concerns." So consider working on these thoughts or feelings with the support of trusted friends, family, or even a professional so that you can be your healthiest self in future relationships.
2. They Aren't The First Person You Want To Share Good (Or Bad) News With
In a healthy relationship, Backe says that your partner should be the first person you turn to in a crisis or when you have major happy news to share. If they're not, or you don't really enjoy sharing big moments with them altogether, you may be in a relationship that's wrong for you.
3. You Don't Always Feel Like You Can Fully Trust Them
You are fighting for a relationship that may be wrong for you if you feel like you can’t trust the person. "Trust is the foundation of all healthy relationships and the only way you will be able to build one that will last," Jerome Myers PE, PMP, relationship expert and author of the book Politics of Marriage tells Bustle. "Being an honest person is a lifestyle and it isn’t possible to turn it on and off." You need someone who you can count on. You need consistency and you need to feel safe and secure. So if you feel like you're trying to fight for a relationship with someone you can't completely trust, that's not the right relationship for you.
4. You've Thought About Breaking Up More Than Once
If you often fantasize about breaking up with your partner, chances are, you're fighting for a relationship that might not work. "Our thoughts generally reflect our feelings, so if you constantly find yourself thinking about breaking up ... there’s a good chance you aren’t feeling as comfortable in the relationship as you think you do," Backe says.
5. You've Realized That Your Values Don't Line Up
"Over the years I’ve worked with many clients struggling to determine if they are right for each other and having similar values is a major one," licensed mental and sexual health therapist Erika Miley, M.Ed., tells Bustle. If you want to be in a relationship that lasts, having similar ideas about the big stuff like having children, getting married, or even opening up your relationship to other people need to be in alignment. If not, it's just going to cause arguments and frustrations down the line. You can't always expect your partner to change their mind about something no matter how hard you try.
6. You Have More Negative Interactions Than Positive Ones
Fighting, although not great, isn't a total relationship killer. According to Miley, it's how we fight that's key. "Ask yourself what is the ratio of positive to negative interactions you and your partner have," she says. In a healthy relationship, you should be having at least five positive interactions to one negative one. So if you feel like you have more downs than ups, you may be fighting for a relationship that's all wrong for you.
7. You Have To Convince Yourself That You're Happy
It's common to dislike your partner every now and then. Even the happiest couples aren't happy with each other 100 percent of the time. But as Backe says, "If you are almost never happy with your partner, you may be in a relationship that’s wrong for you." In other words, you shouldn't have to convince yourself that something is working if it really isn't.
To be fair, it's really tough to let go of a relationship that you invest so much time and energy into. Sometimes circumstances may change and your relationship may change for the better because of it. Whether or not you should really wait for that change to happen is up to you. But when you're in the right relationship with the right person, it's going to feel completely different. The best part is, you won't have to look for signs that your relationship is wrong because you may know in your heart that it's completely right.