When you meet someone new and you're totally smitten, sometimes a relationship can move too fast. Even if you're not looking to go from zero to 60 in record time and you actually want to take it slow, when you're really feeling it for someone you can lose control of the situation. Then, before you know it, it's only been a few weeks and you're already talking about moving in together. Which, although great because being in love is awesome, moving too quickly can sometimes doom the relationship.
"I call them microwave romances," board-certified psychiatrist Dr. Susan Edelman, tells Bustle. "They progress at lightning speed and typically explode in your face... don't forget how sexy taking things slowly can be."
While there's no guarantee that a relationship that moves too quickly will absolutely, positively end just as quickly as it came to be, taking it slow is usually a far better option than racing through it; it's not as though there's some invisible finish line you need to get to, so taking your time to really relish in those fun beginning moments is something worth considering. Because once that honeymoon phase of a relationship is over, it's not coming back.
So, is your new relationship moving too quickly? Here are eight signs that it is and it's time to pull back a bit, according to experts.
You're Not Giving Each Other Enough Space
When you first meet someone and you can't get enough of them, it can feel almost impossible to give each other space because you really want to be with them at all times. And, if you can't be with them, you want to constantly be in contact. Of course this is understandable, however, this isn't just a sign that things are moving too quickly, but that you could be on a road to losing yourself in the process.
"You're together all the time, in person or texting," says Dr. Edelman. "It's exciting when you find someone you like, but pacing things is very important so that you don't get hurt if things don't work out."
You Already Feel Security
"You're sure this person is right for you when you hardly know them," says Dr. Edelman. "If you're feeling desperate or lonely, you might be tempted to idealize them, but real security in a relationship happens when the person shows over time that you can trust them."
No one is perfect. But while this is a fact, when things are moving too fast and you're swept up in it, you're likely to be unable to see this new partner for who they really are. When this happens, you not only begin to idealize them but even idolize them, thinking they can do no wrong — which is setting yourself up for potential hurt.
You're Making Major Life Decisions Before Your First Big Fight
Although fighting with your partner is never any fun, it's an inevitable component of every relationship. It's also in those first big fights that a lot about your partner is revealed. How people react under pressure says a lot about them.
"Doing fun things together like travel makes for great connection and getting to know each other," says Fehr. "It's easy to put your best foot forward when you're having fun. It's a different story when things get hard. Before you make major decisions about your partner and your life, it's important to see all sides of your partner: how they handle stress, disagreement, adverse situations, anger, sadness, disappointment, etc. In other words, their emotional intelligence. How well couples repair from conflict and fights determines how well they will be able to grow closer over time."
You're Having Lots of Sex But Not Talking About Sex
You absolutely want to know if you and your partner share the same values when it comes to sex, and when you're moving quickly you may be having a lot of sex but not actually communicating about it.
Fehr says being on the same page about sex is just as important as it is for other values. "Find out what sex means to them," says Fehr. Ask them what makes sex good for them and make sure you're it's not a topic that's too uncomfortable to talk about.
You're Talking About Moving In Together Before Meeting Their Friends And Family
Although you can rush things by meeting your new partner's friends and family, you can also rush things by making monumental decisions for your future together without meeting their friends and family, too.
"How people relate to others is an important sign as to who they are and a preview of how they will treat you,"says Fehr. "When choosing a partner, you want to look for responsibility and accountability — and there's no better way than to see how your partner relates to others. You want to gauge their values, emotional intelligence, and how well they respect, support and play with others."
You're Putting Your Friends On The Back Burner
Sadly, alienating your friends can come with the territory when your relationship is moving too quickly.
"It isn't a good sign if you're ignoring your friends because the new relationship is taking over," says Dr. Edelman. "If this new relationship doesn't work out, they are the ones who will support you through the heartache."
You're Losing Yourself To The Relationship
While many of us can be a guilty of putting our friends on a back burner, at least temporarily when we're in a new relationship, as long as we don't let it last and come back to them, then no crime no foul. But where there is a true crime lays if you put yourself so far down on your list of priorities, that you lose yourself in the process.
"You're ready to give up your apartment, friends, job, self-care, values to be with this person," says Fehr. "Notice your own eagerness to put aside what's important to you and place your relationship and your partner in the foreground. What's driving this decision? If you're twisting and bending your own life to suit that of your partner, most likely you're acting from fear of losing them. The speed of your actions in this situation is a fight/flight response — slow down to ground yourself into what's important to you. Relationships where one person loses themselves to create or keep the relationship are bound to fail."
When you're head over heels for someone it isn't easy to pull things in and take it slow, but it's important. "Whether it takes a few months or a few years, there is no definitive time frame that qualifies as moving at the right pace in a relationship," says Fehr. "However, there are specific things that partners need to know about each other to make conscious decisions on whether a relationship is a good fit."
If you're looking for something that's going to last long-term, it really is better to build a foundation and ease your way into it. Flings are meant to be quick and speedy; relationships that have a greater chance at a success are not.