When it comes to love, many of us are looking for the "right" person, "the one," and our soulmate. Because, after all, who wants to wake up one morning and realize they just spent the last decade of their life with the "wrong" person?How dreadful would that be to find out that the right person for you is out there, still wandering the world, and you've yet to meet them? Sounds like something out of a Shakespeare play and we all know those endings are pretty disappointing.
So how are we supposed to know if we've found the right person? It's not as though they come along with a neon sign that flashes "I'm the right one for you," above their head. Although that would be amazing if that were the case. "I don't like the word 'right'," Anita A. Chlipala, LMFT, and author of First Comes Us: The Busy Couple's Guide to Lasting Love tells Bustle. "I prefer 'good' because it opens up possibilities for people. 'Right' makes it seem like there's only one person out there for each person and that's just not the case."
So how are we supposed to know when we've found a "good" person for us? These seven weird signs will let you know.
1. You Feel Emotionally Stable
Wait. So there's no drama, they're texting frequently, they don't cancel dates, and you're not up all not questioning their interest in you? I mean, can you even conceive of such a situation?
"The person who isn't putting you on an emotional rollercoaster, where you are quite certain of their interest in you, and you know you'll hear from them and see them again," says Chlipala, "is a good fit."
2. You Fight
Fighting is essential in a healthy relationship and proof that you've found your match. It's those couple who don't ever fight that are like ticking time bombs waiting to explode. Some "good" couples fight all the damn time, because they believe in getting their point across and remedying situations — as it should be.
"If you are fighting with your partner, it means that he/she is precisely the one for you,” founder of Marriage Restoration Project, Shlomo Slatkin, tells Bustle. “Upon exploration, you will discover that the conflict you are experiencing is tailor-made for you — meaning you will see that beneath the surface."
3. You're A Bit Confused
When we haven't had the best relationships, "over time, we then confuse our anxiety for butterflies," says Chlipala. What this means is that in not really understanding what butterflies feel like, when you actually feel them, you're sort of thrown for a loop — up is down, down is up — and you're not sure how to proceed or even process your emotions. So, yes, confusion isn't just a sign, but a good thing for a change.
4. Your Heart Goes Nuts When They're Around
In addition to butterflies, you know you've found the "good" one when the right amount of oxytocin is released that makes your heart go crazy.
As zen psychotherapist and neuromarketing strategist Michele Paiva tells Bustle, you should feel a rush when you're near the person with whom you're supposed to be. "If your oxytocin isn't going up, ditch the idea, and don't force it," says Paiva.
5. You Have An Urge To Dismiss Them
As Chlipala explains, depending on our dating history, our brains can be conditioned to either expect the worst or gravitate toward those who are a bad fit for us. Because of this, when someone "good" comes along, our instinct might be to push them away and run for the hills.
"When a person who is consistent and reliable in contact and attention comes into our life, we might dismiss them because we don't feel a connection," says Chlipala. "This is the kind of person who deserves a chance."
6. You Like To Be Apart
"I think that alone time is undervalued in our society," relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein, LCSW, tells Bustle. "With the advent of social media, everyone is all about posting pictures of parties, gatherings, group dinners, and vacations and that's what we come to value. No one is posting a picture of themselves taking a yoga class alone or reading a book! But individuals and relationships thrive on having a nice balance of together time and alone time."
In other words, you love being with them just as much as you love being apart, and you understand that having your alone time is essential to the health and success of your relationship.
7. You Ask About Their Day
If you're invested in the relationship, meaning you're with a "good" one, you'll want to know how their day was. It might seem strange and insignificant, but it's proof that you legitimately give a damn and giving a damn means you're with the one who fits you best. Just like you wouldn't fight, if you didn't give a damn.
When you find the right one or, as Chlipala calls them, a "good" one, it's not always an immediate realization. Depending on where you've been and your past, it might not be obvious at first. But pay attention to your feelings when you're with them — and without them. And if you can check off these seven weird signs, then you just may have found a "good" one for you.