I have been masturbating a lot. Not just because May is National Masturbation Month, but because there's something about the spring that makes me want to masturbate. "There are an endless number of reasons to masturbate," Vanessa Marin, sex therapist and founder of Finishing School, tells Bustle. "Learning how to make yourself orgasm is the most empowering experience you will ever have. You'll also learn how to teach a partner how to bring you pleasure."
Although you may feel we don't need an entire month to celebrate the greatness that is self-love, it does help in regards to bringing awareness and fight the stigma against it. While sex is great and, in some cases, effing fantastic, masturbation and the sexual education that comes with it — like knowing how to get yourself off — is priceless. It doesn't just help people become more comfortable with their sexuality, eases aches and pains — both physical and mental — but also makes our sex lives better. So. Much. Better.
“Masturbation/orgasms is like meditation,” Kit Maloney, founder of the female pleasure company O’actually, tells Bustle. “It allows the space for the monkey brain to quiet and that means you'll be more focused and effective with your to-do list afterward!”
So to prove the positive impact that masturbation has on the human mind and body, I made the *huge* effort and sacrifice of putting aside time every day for a week to masturbate before work to see how it actually affected my mood, energy levels, and work.
Day 1: A Crankiness Cure
Although I often masturbate when I wake up, because I'm in Europe but choose to work NYC hours so I feel like I'm part of the club in some way, I don't actually log on until 5 p.m. (sometimes later) local time, which means I've spent my day being a tourist or a complete waste of space, while consuming mass amounts of pasta. Since that's the case, I spent the last week masturbating before turning on my computer, which was pretty fun for me.
On day one, I was dealing with some major crankiness. I'm in the process of weening myself off Xanax, a medication that I've been consuming like candy since the election, so I can use it as it's intended: for emergency instances only. This has created a monster in me and I've been perpetually pissed off since I've started cutting back.
So there I was, somewhat pissed off despite having eaten my weight in porcini mushrooms, masturbating before work, as was my assignment. Because of my mood, it did take a bit to orgasm, but once I did I felt a wave of relief sweep over me — which I knew I would — and I was able to shake most of the crankiness from my bones. This also meant when I finally looked at my emails, I wouldn't get testy about the obscene amount of crap I get. I could start the day off on the right foot. I was feeling great.
Energy Boost: 9/10
Orgasm Count: 1
Day 2: Headache Relief
On the second day of this experiment, I was still dealing with some crankiness combined with a headache, a headache which made me realize my period was about to show up earlier than it should. So I had a bad attitude and a pain in my skull.
"As expected, masturbation eased my headache and, as it did the day before, put a proper size dent into my bad attitude."
As someone who frequently gets migraines, my go-to is always ibuprofen and masturbation. Even though neither one eliminates my headaches immediately, the combo, at least for me, is the right way to handle it. What this means is that even if I wasn't masturbating before work as part of a week-long experiment, I would have done it anyway so I could look at the computer screen and not get sick to my stomach or be forced to wear sunglasses (which is sometimes the case and makes me feel like a rock star). As expected, masturbation eased my headache and, as it did the day before, put a proper size dent into my bad attitude.
Energy Boost: 8/10
Orgasm Count: 1
Day 3: Fighting The Cramps
Sure enough, my period arrived on day three. Due to a medical situation, I'm currently not on the Pill which means I have cramps that, if I had to go into an office to work, I'd probably call in sick because they're that debilitating. What this means is that I spent day three at home, masturbating, popping ibuprofen, and cursing myself for forgetting my hot water bottle — a perfect device to help with the pain, but also something I can't communicate in Italian to the pharmacist that I need.
By the time I masturbated before work, I had already masturbated three times that day to deal with my cramps (yes, orgasms are amazing for cramps), so it was less about satisfaction and more about dealing with massive discomfort. Although masturbation helped, my work shift ended up being short, because I just couldn't focus and was sidetracked by my cramps — as is always the case with the first day of my period.
Energy Boost: 7/10
Orgasm Count: 4
Day 4: Glowing And Focused AF
With my cramps gone (thankfully they only last the first 24 hours of my period), and my bad attitude mildly on the mend after having caved and taken a half Xanax as my doctor suggested, I knew I could masturbate, solely for pleasure before work. This was great!
I met a friend for lunch, then scurried back to masturbate before getting down to business. Because I knew my editor wouldn't be logging on until 11 a.m. New York time, I took the opportunity to not just take my time, but go for the silver medal and orgasm twice. I probably would have gone for a third orgasm if I didn't need to recharge my favorite vibrator of the moment.
My two orgasms got me in the mood for tackling the day's work and gave me a nice glow. It's too bad I don't have a commute, because it would've been great to show off my complexion and the bounce in my step to the world. It also made me more focused, which was important after being a total slacker the day before.
Energy Boost: 10/10
Orgasm Count: 2
Day 5: Joy To The World
On day five, again I had no ailments to speak of — aside from my usual stressed out, anxious self. So I parked myself in my bed and masturbated for close to an hour, getting close to an orgasm, then stopping; then getting close again, then stopping. I finally let myself have an explosive orgasm that resulted in me breaking a sweat and I knew my work day was off to an phenomenal start.
Energy Boost: 10/10
Orgasm Count: 1
My Final Thoughts
What did I learn — if anything? Masturbating before work is fantastic. No matter what physical or mental issues I had, masturbation helped eased them and gave me a boost of energy. Granted, this was something I already knew, but it was nice to have confirmation, so I could share that knowledge with anyone willing to listen. Masturbation may not be able to cure everything in the world, but as far as natural remedies go, I think it's still the best.
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