Despite what the 1995 Christina Ricci classic (and the 1998 Hilary Duff sequel) may have led you to believe, there's no such thing as a friendly ghost. If you haven't heard from your crush in weeks, these texts to send
someone who ghosted you will bring you the clarity and closure you crave.
Like cute shoes that cause blisters, cute people that cause heartache are unfortunately all too common. According to a 2020 survey by Hinge,
91% of users say they've been ghosted, and that's, like, a full A- on an exam. For Susan Winter, relationship expert and bestselling author, reaching out to a ghoster is all about balance. "We don't want to look desperate, but we need resolution," Winter tells Bustle. "Are they in or are they out?"
If your date has gone radio silent, Winter suggests making one last effort to reach out. "If you don't get a reply, or get a vague 'breadcrumb type' answer, then bail," Winter says.
Whether you're looking for a Serious Committed Relationship or just a fling, you deserve someone with the ability to communicate their basic feelings. Though
ending things with someone can be uncomfortable, it's always more considerate than leaving someone in the lurch.
If you're tired of
being left on read, here are twelve texts to send. 1 It was nice getting to know you. Wish you all the best on your dating journey. FreshSplash/E+/Getty Images
According to relationship coach and behavioral scientist
Clarissa Silva, sending a message that empowers you over the ghoster is vital. “Ghosting hurts your ego, and displacing blame doesn’t stop the cycle of rumination, replaying events, lowered self-esteem, or self devaluation that you experience,” she says. “Making excuses for someone else’s suboptimal (read: sh*tty) behavior prevents you from evaluating better options.” Sending this type of text to your ghoster over something passive-aggressive will keep the power in your hands and leaves no room for excuses. 2 I take it you're not a great texter. Want to meet for drinks and an IRL convo?
If you're not looking for something serious (or for someone who regularly responds to your texts), gently teasing their texting skills can let your date know that you're still down to hang out. Of course, the key here is that you're actually looking for something casual
. If you're secretly hoping your sporadic hookup will suddenly want a committed partnership, it's probably time for a different conversation about your expectations. “Understand this person isn’t serious about dating and isn’t serious about you,” says Winter. “No text = swim at your own risk.” 3 I had fun getting dinner last week! Let me know if you want to go to the farmer's market this weekend.
When your crush is playing hot and cold, it's easy to get swept up in their games. Instead of scheming something up or trying to decode their last five texts, be direct and don't overthink it. Let them know you're interested and down to hang out again. “It’s direct and proactive, which shows confidence,” Winter tells Bustle. “The invitation is light and casual, but clearly defined. Daytime. Easy. Fun.” If they're interested, they'll make a solid plan with you. If they're still shady, it's time to move on.
4 Me and my roomies are getting a drink tonight. Come through if you can!
Inviting your crush to something fun that you're already planning on doing lets you have your cake and eat it too. If they decide to come by, you'll have a fun time out with your friends. If they choose to stay home, you'll still have a fun time out with your friends. It's a casual way to include your crush, with incredibly low stakes. "Do it from the 'I'm doing this, join me,' approach," Winter says. "Coffee, drinks, or anything else that you did in the past that they seemed to like."
5 It's been a minute — want to check that you're OK!
"Sorry, my phone broke" is the adult version of "the dog ate my homework." Still, emergencies and general unexpected life things happen, and there could be an actual reason your crush has gone quiet. “Sending this type of message shows you to be a caring and compassionate individual,” Winter says. “That’s all good, as long as you have boundaries in place if and when you do hear from your date.” This gives them a chance to take accountability for going silent. It also gives you a chance to see if they're worth any more of your time. If they come back with more excuses and shadiness, you know you're better off without them.
6 I've been enjoying getting to know you, but I lose interest when contact lags. I'm not into something so on and off. JGI/Jamie Grill/Tetra images/Getty Images
"You can give your new date your terms of engagement," Winter says. "Tell them that regular contact lets you know there's interest. Otherwise, you assume there's no connection." As Winter shares, letting your date know that you expect a timely response shows them the type of relationship you're looking for. You get to state your needs
and have your needs met, and if someone can't do that? They're not the one for you. 7 I totally get it if you’re not feeling a connection, that’s cool. But I can’t read your mind and I don’t want to assume anything.
If you want your date to be real with you, you're certainly not alone. “I like the direct approach,” Winter tells Bustle, noting the importance of keeping it settled and not sounding “pissy” at all, because that “weakens you as the sender.” According to the same Hinge study, 85% of users said they'd
rather get officially dumped than ghosted. Let your date know that your value direct communication, and you'd rather hear that it's not working out than hear nothing at all. 8 I feel sad and confused by you going silent on me. Clearly, we're not looking for the same thing. Best of luck to you.
Though you may want to send "WTF?!" or light up their phone with insults, Winter suggests keeping your cool. If someone can't even reply to your text, they're not worth your energy. "It's your ego that wants to lash out," Winter says. "Accept the facts for what they are, and be grateful you're not being strung along or played."
9 Saw this event and it reminded me of you. Let me know if you are interested in joining me.
You’re opening the door for a possibility to hangout again, but you aren’t coming off as desperate or salty about it. “A reminder of a shared experience can help gauge mutual interest,” advises Silva. They may just need that little extra reminder of the time you had together and your common interests. Plus, wording it this way lets them know you’re going to this event
regardless of if they are or not. They can join you if they like, but you’re plans aren’t depending on it. 10 Ghosting may be the norm, but don’t expect me to respond to you after three weeks of silence.
Silva advocates standing up for yourself in these situations. “If they were unable to fully commit and created a false sense of hope, they were living out a lie,” she says. “You, on the other hand, were fully committed and ready to actualize your life’s desire. Remind yourself that you will have the life partner that is ideal for you.” You can subtly call them out while placing a higher value on your self-respect.
11 Getting ghosted on is not fun, and I'm sure you wouldn't want someone doing that to you. I hope you find what you're looking for.
This is a direct approach that calls out the ghoster. “Many other people would tell you to let it go, but I say that it's OK to embrace your anger and gain your own closure by calling out bad behavior,” explains Cherlyn Chong, breakup and dating specialist from
Steps to Happyness. “Notice how you're not wishing them the best because you don't mean it. So whatever it is they are looking for, you sure hope they find it because it isn't going to be you. This text is for you and you only, and if the ghoster does reply, it would be most likely done out of guilt, and you'll be proven right.” 12 It appears that we have different degrees of communication. If that's the case, we should definitely see other people.
Chong suggests sending this text to a ghoster to let them know how you feel without being rude (even if you might want to be sometimes). “This text calls out the ghoster politely, but also does not mince words,” she says. “You do not appreciate the silence, and therefore you will see other people who can communicate and are honest. End of story.”
Experts: Clarissa Silva , behavioral scientist/relationship coach and creator of Your Happiness Hypothesis Method Susan Winter , relationship expert Cherlyn Chong, breakup and dating specialist from Steps to Happyness
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This article was originally published on
Sep. 30, 2020