It seems like we often hear that people are not having enough sex, and we're worried about how our own sex lives measure up. But the truth is, it's all about what's best for you, so now's the time to make your sex resolution for the New Year. It's never too late to start having more, less, longer hotter, slower, or whatever kind of sex you want.
But because a lot of us are curious, the renowned Kinsey Institute, which has explored sexual behavior and sexual health for over 60 years, has studied the topic of sex frequency, of course. For instance, according to the General Social Survey, married couples have sex an average of 58 times per year. The study also found that:
- 18-29-year-olds have sex an average of 112 times per year
- 30-39-year-olds an average of 86 times per year
- 40-49-year-olds an average of 69 times per year
So what if you're below or above average? “Averages mean that there are some people above and some people below any given number,” Dr. Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills child, parenting, and relationship psychotherapist, author, The Self-Aware Parent, and co-star, Sex Box, WE tv, tells Bustle “Averages don’t help decide the question of what is right for an individual person.” Exactly! But still — a lot of us wonder how we can improve our sex lives. If you could amend it, what would you change? Frequency? Duration? Type of sex? Try more positions? Role-play?
Oftentimes, people say that conflicts over sex (i.e., if someone’s drive is higher than their partner’s) points to other issues and a lack of connection in the relationship.
“Sex is always a big giveaway,” Dr. Tina B. Tessina, PhD (aka "Dr. Romance"), tells Bustle. “If you're having trouble with sex, either you're dissatisfied and don't get enough, you feel your partner wants too much, or the sex is fading out of your relationship, it's a sign that your communication has problems. Sex is just a physical form of communication.”
So I asked Bustle readers for their 2016 Sex Resolutions, and here's what they said.
1. Erica, 40s
My fifth grade teacher would be so proud of my sex resolution! My sex resolution for 2016 is spontaneity. You know how, as elementary school kids, we had DEAR: ‘Drop Everything And Read’? My husband and I will have DEAF: ‘Drop Everything And F*ck.’
2. Bryan, 35
Giving my girlfriend better orgasms. She’s not the type to fake it, so I think things weren’t always ‘working’ for her. I just read the book She Comes First and read some articles, so I hope she’ll be more pleased (so to speak) in the new year!
3. Eve, 29
Condoms. A lot of guys don’t like to use condoms. I get it, I do, but not when I barely know you, buddy! In 2016, I’m going to be stricter about this and not get talked into condom-less sex! There are too many STDs and STIs out there to worry about! I want a boyfriend, not an STD!
4. Vivi, Fashion & Beauty Blogger, StyleCite, 28
“Have more of it! Make time in the day to day rush, to get close, and get it on! :)”
5. Tracy, 37
Less of it. I tend to have sex too soon, before REALLY knowing the guy. So, I’m trying to wait as long as possible — avoiding going inside a guy’s place too soon, avoiding him dropping me off or coming into mine, etc. I started this late this year and it’s worked well so far, but DOES take practice.
6. Abby, 28
Try not to end up in the situation where I’m pining over a guy who is a) much worse in bed than me and b) makes me feel like crap.
7. Todd, 43
I love sex. (What man doesn’t?) But, I DO find it gets me into trouble because I tend to have sex with a woman between the first and third date. This does NOT mean she is my girlfriend; I’m just getting to know her, but I feel seeing if we have a physical spark is important. In 2016, I’d like to see if I can be more judicious on women I sleep with and know what my motivation is (fling and fun or fling and fun with long-term potential) and make sure that the woman-in-question knows, too, so no one’s feelings get hurt.
8. Ariel, 27
My goal for 2016 is being able to take my own advice as a sexuality and relationship educator. I am currently pregnant and expecting in early 2016. I hope to be able to accomplish great postpartum sex, keep and build intimacy with my partner, and be happy about what I accomplish.
9. Carmel, The Big Fling , 32
More adventurous! I'm 32 and have had sex in the missionary and doggy positions more than I'd like to admit. In 2016, I'd like to explore different positions and methods. Vātsyāyana (Kama Sutra) had it right when he drew a connection between sex and philosophical fulfillment. I'd like to take a page from his book (no pun) and become more enlightened. :)
10. Morgan, 34
More fantasies. My boyfriend and I talk about getting more adventurous in the bedroom, but then we don’t do it. So, this next year, instead of bringing it up, I’ll just surprise him and make sure some of those fantasies come true. After all, whose sex life couldn’t use some spicing up?!
11. Mike, 38
Safer sex. In the past, I trusted women when they said they were on birth control pills and I was sometimes lax about using condoms… until a buddy of mine got herpes from a girl he’d been with (and they’d been dating a month or two till he got an outbreak!)! Since then, I’ve been more careful and always insist on condoms or a visit to a clinic for STD tests with the girl I’m with!
12. Katie, 30
To practice safer sex. I’d ALWAYS been careful and then the one guy I decided not to use condoms with gave me HPV!.
13. Eric, 41
Have more! Also, learn all of the secrets to my partner’s Big O.
14. Carrie, 30s
Purposeful. Too often, I've had sex merely as a result of lustful compulsion. While that isn't necessarily a bad thing, I'm in a stage of life where I'd like to have meaningful sex with a person (or people) I care about.
15. Melanie, 27
More playful sex. Try new things. Sometimes, it’s so serious and ordinary, and I know people with fun, fulfilling sex lives (variety is the spice of life, right?), so why can’t that be me, too? Also, a boyfriend to share this with instead of random casual relationships. It means so much more when you’re more emotionally invested in someone!
16. Nikki Martinez, Psy.D., LCPC, 40
In 2016, I hope to return to having an active sex life. Due to health issues, and a hysterectomy the last few months, it has been off the table. My plan is to make it a priority in our life again. I want to reconnect and surely make my partner happy in this way! I want to work on ways to reconnect, and be closer in this way. I am sure he will be thrilled!
17. Kurt, 29
Listen more. In the past, I’ve been a bit selfish about not making sure my girlfriend ‘finishes,’ and then I mean to make sure she does, but I fall asleep or get lazy. Guys, this does NOT make your girlfriend happy! So I hope to be better about this in the future, and 2016’s a great time to start!
Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our video on sex positions for small penises:
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