For my middle school talent show, I got on stage with my best girl friends and busted some majorly inappropriate dance moves to Christina Aguilera's hit single "Genie in a Bottle". We did body rolls, we rubbed our bellies, we gyrated our hips, we extended pointed fingers at the audience while we hip-swiveled our way across the stage — we did the best we could to mimic what our role model Xtina did in her music video. But in middle school, our knowledge of genies didn't extend beyond Aladdin. To us, the song was about wish fulfillment. Little did our prepubescent minds know that Xtina was singing about a whole different kind of fulfillment. What's most shocking, looking back now, is that neither our parents nor teachers took issue with our song choice. They bopped along from the audience, with their camcorders blinking red.
After we took our bow, the next act sauntered on stage. Another group of girls waited in a Fosse pose for the music to Boyz II Men's "I'll Make Love to You" to come on. They went for a less flashy modern dance combination that included across-the-floor leaps and some clueless group hugging for "And I'll hold you tight/ baby all through the night I'll make love to you/when you want me to/and I will not let go until you tell me to,". Our parent's middle-aged heads were seen grooving in the audience with approval. *INSERT RECORD SKIPPING SOUND EFFECT HERE*
What the hell! I know these were some solid pop jams with great beats, but were they really so good that we didn't have time to notice the lyrics?! I mean, really. So many of the songs that we got down to as kids were meant for adults. It recently came to my attention that a cover of Fetty Wap's "Trap Queen" had found a home on the latest installment of Kid'z Bop and I nearly gave myself a stroke from SMH. Alas, another generation of the lyrically uninterested. These are a few of the most surprisingly inappropriate songs we sung as kids:
Los Del Rio "Macarena"
In our defense, it's nearly impossible to discern what the hell they're saying in this song. I'm pretty sure the majority of people who danced to this song (which played at every Bat Mitzvah and wedding) thought the lyrics were gibberish. Unfortunately, Macarena is a woman who cheats on her boyfriend with multiple men while he's away. A revered adulterer! Heyyyyy Macarena!
N'sync "Digital Get Down"
In our young dummy minds, we thought "getting down" just meant having fun ... we just weren't sure what kind of fun that was. Little did we know we were singing about cyber sex. SMH, it's so obvious:
I lose my mind just when you're speakingI see you on the screen, I get to freakingSo get down babeAnd I'll get down for you (I'll get down for you)I get so excited when I'm watching girlI can't wait to see you touch your body girlIt's just me and youSo we can do what we gotta do (yeah)
Britney Spears "Touch of My Hand"
I guess this one is fairly obvious. Though apparently it wasn't to my ballet teacher because she chose this song for our recital. It's about masturbating, duh. But there we were, just a bunch of little girls prancing around in pink leotards.
Christina Aguilara "Genie in a Bottle"
I feel like I've been locked up tightFor a century of lonely nightsWaiting for someone to release me
Oh, yes, I see: genie=orgasm and the bottle=genitals.
B*Witched "C'est la Vie"
I wanna know just what to doIs it very big is there room for two?I got a house with windows and doorsI'll show you mine if you show me yours
Ladies! They seemed so innocent and playful! I was so sure they were singing about recess.
Spice Girls "When 2 Become 1"
Ah, yes, when two bodies become one body is when sex happens. What the hell did we think was happening? An addition or subtraction problem?
Vanessa Carlton "White Houses"
Seemed like she was just really into real estate to me. I had no reason to suspect there were any code words. Alas, this song is about losing your virginity.
Bryan Adams "Summer of '69"
Nope, sorry. It's not about the summer. It's about sex. Bryan Adams was only born in 1959, so I assure you he wasn't doing anything memorable when he was 10. This is about 69in' and boning in the summer months.
Nirvana "Heart-Shaped Box"
It's about Courtney Love's vagina. Bet you won't request this song at karaoke again.
Village People "YMCA"
I have been belting these lyrics since I was in kindergarten. It's been my wedding jam since before I could tie my shoes. Turns out, it's about having casual sex. Is nothing sacred?!