'Vanderpump Rules’ Season 4 By The Numbers (Just In Time For The Finale)

Will I, devoted Pump Rules fan, shed a tear (or five) when I hear Dena Deadly's voice at the top of Monday night's Vanderpump Rules Season 4 finale? Look, I'm no gambling expert, but I think that's a very, very safe bet; saying goodbye to this immaculate seas of TV will be tough. Hey, Season 4? I miss you already.

Alas, all good things must come to an end: first there's this week's finale, and then there's the reunion, and then there's the bonus footage special, and then Season 4 is over. Without the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills spinoff, my Monday nights will be a little less Sexy, a little less Unique, and a little less Restaurant. The sooner the show is picked up for a fifth season, the better.

As amped as I am to watch the final episode (ugh, put the Jax and Stassi face-off in my eyes already!), I wish this perfect season would never end. What made this particular batch of episodes so special, exactly? Allow me to break it down for ya. Without further ado, I give you Pump Rules Season 4 by the numbers.

  • Butt tattoos: 2
  • Butt tattoo removals: 1
  • Apologies from Kristen: A lot
  • Apologies from Stassi: More than a lot
  • Proposal fake outs: 1
  • Proposal real outs: 1
  • Intentional references to The Sandlot : 1
  • Unintentional references to The Sandlot : 1
  • Bottles of white wine: Approximately 750
  • Doors decorated with saliva: 1
  • Failed LVP Sangria pitches: 1
  • Times someone outdid Lala’s hoop earring game: 0
  • Times Hanky the swan was carried into SUR: 1
  • Times Hanky the swan was carried out of SUR: 1
  • Trips to the DMV: 1
  • Party crashers: The right number
  • Bieber selfies: 1
  • B*tch ghosts: 1
  • Peter haircuts: 1
  • Beemer hookups: 1
  • Passed breathalyzer tests at the bulldozer lot: 4
  • Unicorn horn headpieces: 1
  • Booze-soaked watermelon bowls: Enough to get the cast nice 'n' slammered
  • Crucial Uber receipt paper trails: 1
  • Jaxes on the toilet: 1
  • Pairs of thieved sunglasses: 1
  • Capri Sun pouches: 2
  • Manicures in an Airstream trailer: 1
  • Ayn Rand name drops: 1
  • George Michael name drops: 1
  • Tampon flasks: At least 1
  • Tom Sandoval cooking tutorials: 1
  • Gordo Von Friendenheimer cameos: Not enough
  • New stringless rings: 1
  • Life-changing music videos: 2
  • Times I've texted "OK, big d*ck" to my Pump-obsessed friends: 75,000,000
  • Times I watched the The Night Before/Pump Rules special: 4
  • Times I’ve craved deep fried goat cheese balls while watching this season of Pump Rules: 1,000,000
  • Times I've said "put Jax in the Reality TV Hall of Fame already" while watching this season of Pump Rules: ~55,000,000
  • Times this season deserved the Emmy for Outstanding Unstructured Reality Program: 1,000,000,000 (give or take)

Bring on the finale! Bring on the reunion! Bring on Season 5! Bring me some goat cheese balls! Bring me some tissues!