We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions will remain anonymous. Now, onto this week’s topic: how to make sex about more than just intercourse.
Q: “My boyfriend is a straight-forward kinda guy, especially when it comes to sex. To him, intercourse is always the main event. We spend a good amount of time on foreplay, which is great, but sometimes it frustrates me that we always seem to be working towards "normal" penetrative sex. It’s so predictable, and I worry he won’t be satisfied if we don’t have it. Don’t get me wrong, I love intercourse too, but it’s annoying to feel like I always know the way the story is going to end.
A: Thanks for the question! You’re definitely not alone. Plenty of other heterosexual women — and men — enjoy p-in-v intercourse, but don’t think of it as the be-all-end-all of sex. Most people tend to default to intercourse, since that’s what we’ve been socialized to believe is the “norm.” Heck, most people even call intercourse “sex,” as though it was the only definition of the word. It’s perfectly fine for your boyfriend to love intercourse, but there’s a whole new world that opens up if you can get yourself to take some of the emphasis off of it.
Here are 13 unbelievably sexy ways to prevent yourselves from defaulting to intercourse.
1. Make One Of You 'King' For A Day
This is one of my favorite recommendations, especially for couples where one partner is a huge fan of intercourse. Focusing on each other is a fantastic way to take the emphasis off of intercourse, but without making each other feel like you’re missing out on something.
Tell your boyfriend that he’s going to be “king for a day,” and you’re going to spend the entire evening focusing on his body. Get creative, and try out as many of the suggestions below as you can. There’s something so special about being able to just receive from our partners. It’s fun to be given permission to be selfish. Of course, you get to take your turn being king/queen for a day next!
2. Watch Each Other Masturbate
Masturbation is a fantastic way to take the emphasis off of intercourse. Most people have only ever masturbated in private — if at all — so masturbating in front of another person can be an incredibly exhilarating experience. Tell your boyfriend, “you know what would be really hot? I’d love to watch you touch yourself. Show me what you do when I’m not around.” Or start masturbating in front of him, but tell him, “you can look but not touch.” If he tries to push things along, say something like, "I'm enjoying this! Let's stick with this for tonight."
3. ... Or Masturbate Together
Another option is to watch each other masturbate. I’m such a big proponent of mutual masturbation; watching him touch himself is probably going to get you so turned on that you’ll want to touch yourself anyways. This is also a good choice if either of you are shy, since you’ll feel less on display if you’re both masturbating at the same time. You’ll both be able to pleasure yourselves, plus you’ll get the added thrill of doing something “taboo” in front of each other.
4. Watch Porn Or Read Erotica
You can take your mutual masturbation adventures to new heights by watching porn or reading erotica while you touch yourselves. It’s another option for taking away some of the embarrassment factor. It’s also hot in and of itself, and will help the two of you stick with masturbation in the moment until you're finished. Talk about your favorite scenes together, or try re-enacting them.
5. Use Only Your Hands
Tap into your boyfriend’s competitive side by telling him, “how about we try only using our hands on each other tonight? Do you think you could do it?” Or, get really serious, and try only using your hands for a week! Say something like, "do you think we could pull this off for an entire week? It could be fun to try..." Don’t forget to use lube to make things even more slippery and fun.
6. ... Or Only Your Mouths
Or, make it a rule that you can only use your mouths on each other. You can get really playful by trying to avoid any hand-on-skin body contact. Of course, feel free to allow hands if you want. A blow-job, hand-job combo might just be the trick to getting your boyfriend to recognize that there are other things just as fun as intercourse.
7. Use Toys
I could write an entire article just about using sex toys to take some of the emphasis off of intercourse (and maybe I will!). Playing with toys is so much fun that you won't feel like you're "missing out" by not moving on to intercourse. We’re living in the Golden Age of sex toys, and there are so many amazing options out there. Try challenging your boyfriend to see how many times he can get you off with the Minna Life Limon vibrator. Open him up to the joys of backdoor play with the LELO Loki or the JeJoue Nuo. Try a male masturbator, like the Tenga Flip.
8. Try Sensation Play
You can also try toys designed to heighten your senses and give you that hurts-so-good ache. These can be fantastic accompaniments to hand jobs or blow jobs, or you can really tease yourselves by limiting yourselves to only playing with a specific sensation. Try restraining your boyfriend’s arms and legs with the Sportsheets Under The Bed Restraint System while you give him a hand job or blow job (and toss on a blindfold while you’re at it). Try playing with paddles, like this number from Tantus. Or melt this Jimmyjane Afterglow candle down, and drip the remaining massage oil onto each other’s bodies.
9. Fantasize Together
You don’t even have to touch each other’s bodies to have hot sex. Try talking dirty with each other about your fantasies. Explore a fantasy that turns you on, but that you might not necessarily want to try out in real life. Some common examples include bondage, girl-on-girl action, or having a threesome (for the record, all of these can also be fun to bring into the real world too). Hey, it worked for Morello and Vinny on OITNB!
You can bring your fantasies to life by acting out certain roles with each other, and you definitely don’t have to have intercourse to make roleplaying fun. If you're not sure where to start, play “naughty masseuse,” and have one person give an extra special massage to the other.
11. Try Long-Distance Sex
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and it also makes us get much more creative. Pretend you and your boyfriend are in a long-distance relationship and can’t do your usual routines with each other. Send each other naughty text messages, Snapchats, or emails. Or set up an X-rated Skype session. You can also find toys that can be operated remotely, like the OhMiBod BlueMotion.
12. Dry Hump
Harken back to your high school days by grinding against each other with your clothes on. The friction will feel amazing for you, and the tension will be great for you both. Tell your boyfriend, “remember when we used to do this?” Challenge yourselves to see who can hold out the longest before trying to rip off each other’s clothes.
13. Try Outercourse
You can up the intensity level of dry humping by taking all of your clothes off. Have him sit back on his heels, while you’re on your back in front of him. Spread your legs, and put one on either side of his body. Have him grab his penis and rub it on the outside of your labia. Or you can get on top in typical Cowgirl style, but have him press his penis against his body, and let you grind up against it. Use a quarter-sized bit of lube to help your bodies slide around against each others. You’ll get incredible clitoral stimulation, and the so-close-but-not-quite feeling will drive you both insane. (Of course, you’ll need to wear a condom if the two of you aren’t fluid-bonded.)
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