How To Have Video and Phone Sex in a Long Distance Relationship, Because a Girl's Gotta Do What a Girl's Gotta Do

We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex , a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we actually hear the nitty-gritty details of how we might actually achieve those things? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a licensed sex psychotherapist based in San Francisco, to help us out with the specifics. This week’s topic: How to have video and phone sex when you're in a long distance relationship.

Q: My boyfriend is moving to another state for a job opportunity that’s too good to turn down. We’re hoping it will be temporary (maybe only a year). We’ve had a good sex life thus far, but I’m apprehensive about how the switch to long distance will affect our sex life. I’m a little bit shy and haven’t been vocal about sex historically, so phone and video chat sex sound intimidating. I’m also not sure I’ll enjoy it physically.

A: Long distance relationships can be challenging. It’s jarring to go from seeing each other regularly to relying on technology for the vast majority of your interactions. It’s great that you have an established relationship, so hopefully you’ll be prepared to communicate about the ups and downs of the transition. Learning how to have a long-distance sex life may require a little extra effort, patience, and creativity, but you can make it work for your relationship! Here's how.

TALK ABOUT YOUR PLAN

Ask your boyfriend what he envisions your sex life looking like when the two of you are apart. Send him this article or read it together, and discuss which of the strategies you’d feel comfortable trying.

START WITH SEXTING

Text and email can be one of the easiest places to start, especially if you’re shy. You’ll have plenty of time to collect and edit your thoughts, so you probably won’t feel intimidated or put on the spot.

You can start off tame, with a little message that says, “I miss your arms around me” or “I want to kiss you right now.” As you start to feel more comfortable, up the naughty factor with texts like, “I wish you were here in bed next to me.”

If you still feel unsure of how to phrase your thoughts, try reading erotic fiction for inspiration. Get a sense of which words feel more natural to you than others. You can also check out this list of 100 options.

GRADUATE TO DIRTY EMAILS

Next, try sending him an email describing what you’d like to do to him the next time you two see each other. Make sure to put a note saying “Private” or “For later” in the subject so he doesn’t open it at an inopportune time.

Texts and emails are a great way to build anticipation. Send each other little messages throughout the day, teasing each other until the next time you’re able to speak or see each other in person. For example, “I can’t wait to tell you about this hot dream I had about you last night. Too bad you’ll have to wait until I get off work.”

TRY LETTERS TOO

Send a naughty note via old fashioned snail mail. There’s something about a hand-written letter that feels so different from a text or email. You might find it easier to express yourself using pen and paper, or a more sultry side of your personality might emerge.

TALK IT OUT

Talking over the phone is another fun option that’s not that much more intimidating than texting or writing. You get to hear your boyfriend’s responses in real time, which makes it feel less isolating. Plus it frees up your hands to do other things in the moment!

For an easy place to start, or a smooth way to transition into dirty talk, bring up of your favorite memories of having sex together. Say something like, “you know what just popped into my head today? That time we were on vacation in Mexico, and we started making out in the jacuzzi? Do you remember that?” Prod him along by asking questions like, “do you remember what happened next?” Rehashing old memories is nice because you don’t have to make anything up or feel put on the spot.

ADD VIDEO

Video chat can feel more vulnerable for shy people because you can actually see each other. You might find it a little trickier to talk about sex when you’re looking each other in the face.

Nonetheless, it’s probably the most exciting way to maintain your sex life when you’re apart. Here are some ideas for places to start:

  • Turn the lights down in your room or light candles. You’ll probably feel more comfortable if the lights aren’t blazing.
  • Try surprising him by showing up to your Skype date in a slinky top or a little nightie. Or show him a new lingerie set that you just bought, and tell him you’ll put it on for him next time. This is a sure-fire way to get some sexy talk going without having to initiate verbally.
  • Turn the camera away when you feel awkward, but play it up as teasing him. If you’re feeling shy in the moment, turn the camera off or away, and give yourself a second to regain your composure. Tell him, “I think you’re liking this too much. I’m going to make you wait.”
  • Move the camera around to show him the parts of your body that you want him to touch. Or ask him to tell you where he wants to touch.
  • Use the camera to share some of the more intimate parts of your day with him. Prop it on the counter while you’re taking a bath, or let him watch you get dressed in the morning.
  • As you get more comfortable, try masturbating together over video chat. Close your eyes and pretend it’s his hand on your body. You can still hide under the covers if you’re feeling embarrassed.
  • If you ever feel stuck for what to say, you can always fall back on moaning, panting, or a simple, “yes.”
  • If you’re paranoid about privacy, set up a new email or Skype account using fake information.

ARRANGE SEX DATES

Spontaneously transitioning to phone or video sex is fun, but if you have roommates or opposing schedules to contend with, you might be more successful if you plan beforehand. Send him a text earlier in the day saying, “my roommate is out tonight. Think you can get some privacy around 7?”

BRING IN REINFORCEMENTS

There are toys specifically designed for long-distance couples, like the OhMyBod Club Vibe 2.OH or the We-Vibe 4 Plus. These toys can be operated remotely, meaning that you can give control over to your boyfriend and pretend that it’s him there stimulating you. Or you can send each other sexy presents to use the next time you see each other. Check out my sexy holiday gift guide for inspiration.

OhMyBod Club Vibe 2.OH, $42, Amazon

We-Vibe 4 Plus, $110, Amazon

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

You’re not going to have him around to stimulate you as much as you used to, so this is your opportunity to develop more of a relationship with your own sexuality. Get more comfortable with your body. Buy yourself a new toy or some hot lingerie. Learn how to masturbate.

MAKE YOUR TIME TOGETHER COUNT

When you’re in a long-distance relationship, you’ll come to recognize how precious your time together is. You’ll learn how to cram a lot of intimacy and connection into the moments you do get to share. I’ve actually met a few long-distance couples who had more active sex lives than couples who lived together!

Give yourselves some time to adjust to the transition. Trying to be intimate when you’re miles apart is bound to be awkward at first and at times, but that’s OK. In-person sex is like that too!

Most of all, the best tip I could give you is to remember to be yourself. Sexting has a way of making people feel like they have to put on an act or pretend to be someone else. Remember that it’s still you and your boyfriend being intimate. It’s great to experiment with role-playing, but you don’t need to be anyone other than yourself. Good luck!

Images: Paramount; Giphy