9 Signs You And Your Partner Are Just Too Different
Although you may have once been as thick as thieves, compatibility in a relationship doesn’t always last. As relationships grow and evolve, so do the people in them; which is normal and, ultimately, inevitable. But sometimes the evolution and changes can be so big, that suddenly you’re not just incompatible, but too completely different people who can't even keep things a float anymore. As the saying goes, opposites attract, but there’s a limit to just how opposite two people can be. In fact, studies have found that we’re more likely to end up with someone just like us than someone who’s our total opposite.
"No matter how much you love each other and get along, compromise is a crucial part of any harmonious relationship," dating coach and certified matchmaker Francesca Hogi tells Bustle. "If you or your partner constantly force the other to submit to your will, you're setting yourselves of up for a lot of conflict."
But the problem is that even if you’re different, that doesn’t necessarily mean that the love is gone. This, of course, can create a problem when it's clear your relationship just isn’t working out so well anymore. It’s at that point you need to seriously think about the present, your future together, or, if need be, consider a future apart as being the best way to go, for the sake of both of you. But, in the meantime, in order to get you to that point, here are nine signs you and your partner are just too different.
1. You Have Different Views On Commitment
When it comes to commitment, people see it differently, which is fine. But when trying to make a relationship work, that's another matter. "If you think monogamy is a beautiful commitment and your partner thinks it's an unrealistic sham, chances are one or both of you is going to end up resentful and disappointed," Hogi says.
2. You Don’t Understand Each Other’s Love Language
According to Dr. Gary Chapman, everyone speaks one of five love languages: Words Of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts Of Service, or Physical Touch.
“People do not need to speak the same love language to succeed as a couple, rather they need to understand the love language their significant other speaks," senior matchmaker and dating coach Lori Salkin tells Bustle. "That is not easy; it not only requires understanding the person and how they are different you, but that what is important to them is different from what is important to you."
3. You Never Feel Like You’re On The Same Page
While no couple is on the same page all the time, it would help if you were on the same page most of the time. A study out of Germany earlier this year found that we’re mostly attracted to people who are similar to us. If you’re on one page and your partner is in completely different chapter, the difference could definitely interfere with attraction and so much more.
4. Your Arguments Never Find A Resolution
People fight differently. Some people slam doors and bail, while others try to stick it out and find a resolution to whatever happens to be the problem. Ideally, any argument should reach a resolution, one on which you can both agree, but if you can’t, that’s a sign that you’re too different. Conflict is part of relationships; as is conflict resolution.
"The most essential ingredient in a relationship is two partners are willing to work on it,"Dating Coach and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Pella Weisman tells Bustle. "If you have this, you have everything."
5. You’re Annoyed By Things That Excite Them
Although no one says that you and your partner have to like the exact same things, if what they do like and get excited about makes you want to stab yourself in the eye, then that’s something worth noting. Because at that point, it’s not just that you don’t like what they’re into, but you don’t respect it either — which, in a way, may mean you don’t entirely respect them either.
6. Your Sexual Preferences Are Worlds Apart
Although there are a few things more important than sex in a relationship, sex is still a pretty big deal. What that means is that if your sexual preferences don’t overlap, even in the slightest, then that’s a different that it is hard to overcome. Sexual compatibility is a pretty major part of a healthy relationship, and if what gets you and your partner off are on opposite ends of the spectrum, then that’s a big sign you’re too different.
"Desires ebb and flow, but if you fundamentally aren't on the same page sexually, it's hard to make a relationship work over the long-term," says Hogi. "If one of you is always feeling sexually rejected or dissatisfied, it's a bad sign."
7. You Both Have A Different Idea Of What It Means To Communicate
Similar to love languages, people communicate differently. Some people keep it all bottled up inside until they explode, while others are open books, with their heart on their sleeves. If you and your partner communicate so differently that you can’t even communicate at all, then what do you have?
"Half of the art of any relationship is figuring out how to communicate with the other person," Hogi says. "Your communication will probably not be perfect from day one and that's OK. But if you're miles apart with no attempt to improve, you're in for a tough time."
8. You Can Never Find A Happy Compromise
Whether you call it a “happy middle,” or simply a compromise, if you and your partner are too stubborn to reach one, then that’s a difference in personality that can rarely be taken away. As Hogi says, compromise is "crucial" to a happy relationship.
9. You Don't Genuinely Enjoy Each Other's Company
"It might sound obvious, but I'm continually surprised by how many couples don't genuinely like each other as people," says Hogi. "Your partner doesn't have to be your best friend in the world, but you've got a better shot at making your relationship work if there's a friendship at the core of your connection."
Images: Andrew Zaeh for Bustle; Giphy