We are down to the wire as far as Halloween goes! What that means is that if you haven’t picked out your costume, you need to get on that. It also means it’s time to get scary in the bedroom. While you could always try some role-play, (because who doesn’t want to have sex with the Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of Oz or a zombie?), maybe it’s time to get a little more daring in your Halloween sexual pursuits — and no, I’m not talking about taking home the person dressed as Donald Trump at the bar. Instead, try a scary sex position.
With so many sex positions out there, there’s literally a position for every occasion, every holiday, every mood, every temperature, every season — and you totally know where I’m going with this. So, naturally, there are sex positions that are perfect to get you in the Halloween spirit. Although why these particular positions are scary vary a bit, the fact remains that they are thrilling might even make your hair stand on its ends, and make The Shining look like a fairytale! Or something along those lines.
Here are seven scary sex positions that will scare the pants off of you. [Insert Dracula laugh here.]
1. The Crab Walk
How to do it: Remember the crab walk that you had to do in
grammar school gym during the gymnastic section of the year? Yeah, so that’s
the position you and your partner want to get into on the floor: On your butts, knees bent, while
leaning on your hands, or elbows, if you have weak wrists. Next, you want to
crab walk toward each other — no, I’m not joking — and, facing each other, situate
yourselves so your partner is inside you.
Why it’s scary: Honestly, what's scary about it is that getting laid shouldn’t require so much effort and finagling, but that’s exactly what this position entails. Although it’s tricky AF a sex position to get into, it’s also great for helping a male partner last longer — not just because the penetration is fairly shallow, but because you’re both probably laughing at why the hell you decided to try this position in the first place.
2. The Sofa Brace
How to do it: While on your knees on the sofa, drape the
upper part of your body over the back or side of the couch. Your partner, also
on their knees, comes up behind you and penetrates you. It’s sort of like doggy
style position, but with a sofa involved.
Why it’s scary: The sofa brace may seem harmless enough, but that's not entirely true. All you need is an enthusiastic partner going at it like there’s no tomorrow and before you know it, you could feel like you're on a rollercoaster. Hold on and enjoy the ride.
3. Bouncing Reverse Cowgirl
How to do it: After having your partner lie on their back,
you’re going to pretty much mount them, while facing the opposite direction.
From here, while digging your heels or your whole foot into the bed or floor,
(with your partner inside you), you’re going to — you guessed it — bounce.
Why it’s scary: Although this is very easy position to get into, once you’re in the midst of it, anything can happen. If you’re not paying attention to all your bouncing, you could either bounce right off your partner or, even worse, bounce in such a way to accidentally fracture your partner. Have you ever seen what a fractured penis looks like? Google that; then you’ll know the real meaning of scary.
4. The Proposal
How to do it: First, have your partner drop to one knee, as
if they’re going to pop the big question. Next, facing your partner, drop to
your knees, too, and have them penetrate you from this angle.
Why it’s scary: Because, OMG, like what if your partner gets carried away and actually proposes and you’re not ready for that! Also, with them on only one knee while penetrating you, and you trying to keep them inside you, you’re basically asking to turn into the Leaning Tower of Pisa and just topple on over. If either one of you has bad knees, then it’s practically a guarantee.
5. Weak In The Knees
How to do it: For this one, you’re going to have your
partner lie flat on their back, while you straddle their face. Next, if you’re so inclined, you can gyrate against
your partner’s face or just let them sort of man the ship, so to speak.
Why it’s scary: Well, I don’t know about you, but every time I’ve sat on someone’s face, my brain has gone into overtime: Can they breathe? What if I suffocate them? Should I ease up? Why are they pulling me closer? Don't they need air?! OMG, I’m going to accidentally kill them! There’s also the concern that, if you’re not steady on your knees, you could topple — which is fine if you’re in the middle of the bed, but not so fine if you’re near the edge and you end up on the floor.
How to do it: While standing in front of your partner,
facing the same direction as them, bend on over. Next, your partner should
penetrate you while you’re basically just hanging out there, with your head and
arms dangling. It’s like standing doggy style, but you’re not supporting
yourself in any way — unless you’re flexible enough to reach the floor with your
Why it’s scary: Well, it’s scary for a couple reasons. First of all, similar to sofa embrace, a partner who goes a little too fast could lead to a bumpy ride. There’s also all that blood rushing to your head, which can result in one hell of dizzy spell, so be careful with this one.
7. Three Legged Dog
How to do it: Facing your partner while standing, lift one of your legs so you partner can hold it. Your partner can either
hold your thigh or you can drape the back of your knee in the crook of
their arm — whatever feels best. From here, depending on the height difference,
you may have to stand on your toes a bit, so your partner can get inside you. With
your arms around your partner’s neck, let them take charge of the position.
Why it’s scary: Thanks to the fact that you’re on one leg, you’re pretty dependent upon your partner who, although on two legs, is also standing. Once two people start to really get into it, balance can easily go out the window. Considering all the ways in which you could land or things you could land ON, makes this a pretty damn scary position.
Images: Caroline Wurtzel/Bustle