The holiday season is here, which is great, because who doesn’t love vegging out at mom and dad’s while watching The National Dog Show, knowing that the turkey is just a couple hours away? But while this is some pretty exciting stuff, because who will take home Best In Show is anyone’s guess, as is what your crazy Uncle Mike might say after too much vino. But it does leave couples, who are spending the holiday together, to wonder exactly how they’re supposed to have sex while visiting your family.
Depending on how many days you’re visiting your family, you could probably forego sex — I mean, if you really had to, but, honestly, why should you? Sex is healthy, natural, and awesome. As much as it might pain your parents to realize you’re an adult with an equally adult sex life, that shouldn’t stand in the way of an orgasm or two. But the thing about having sex at a relative's house, is it must be done discretely and carefully. Yes, you want to get laid, but you also want to make sure you're invited back during the next holiday. So before you try to tackle the sex while visiting your family thing this holiday, here are nine hacks to keep in mind.
1. Do It When Everyone Is Asleep
Even if you get the urge to have sex right before everyone sits down to dinner, hold off. It’s far from subtle if you and your partner sneak away while everyone else is starting to eat. Remember, discretion is the name of the game here.
2. Embrace The Spooning Position
It doesn’t matter if your favorite is reverse cowgirl or missionary or whatever other position is your usual MO, when it comes to sex at home, it’s about the spooning position. If you’re spooning and dad walks in to tell you that the pancakes are ready, it will just looking like you’re cuddling and not that your G-spot is being magnificently stimulated.
3. Make Good Use Of White Noise
Personally, I can’t sleep without a fan. It could be 10 degrees out and I need that fan in my room, if I’m going to get any sleep. It’s also come in handy when I’ve had partner over during the holidays. It’s amazing what sounds a little fan can block out — heavy breathing, in particular.
4. Realize The Silencing Effect Of Pillows
Am I suggesting you suffocate your noisy partner? No. But I am suggesting you suffocate those moans and groans. You can be as quiet as possible, but when you climax, it’s hard to tell what might come out of your mouth. Since that’s the case, if either one of you gets a little too loud, dive headfirst into a pillow, then you can be as loud as you want.
5. If The Bed Is Squeaky, Get On The Floor
Whether you’re put on the pull-out couch, because your sister called dibs on the guestroom, or you’re back in the room in which you grew up, you could run into a squeaky bed situation. While pillows can silence moans and sex in the middle of the night can limit the chances of being caught in the throes of passion, a squeaky bed is always a dead giveaway that sex is being had. If such a situation befalls you, because mom and dad haven’t bothered to get a new mattress for your room since you went off to college over a decade ago, then you better get on the floor. Don’t worry, the pillow technique will still work from there.
6. Take A Very Early Shower Together
As much as I’m against having sex in the shower, due to my own personal experiences where someone always ends up falling (that someone, being me), desperate times call for desperate measures. So set your alarm for 5 a.m., get in the shower with your partner for some shower sex, then head downstairs to make coffee and breakfast for everyone. Look at you being the best houseguest ever!
7. Offer To Run The Errands
Oh no! Mom doesn’t have enough milk for the mashed potatoes! No problem! You and your partner can help her out by offering to go to the store — and stopping along the way on a back road to have a quickie. Granted, sex in a car isn’t the most ideal situation, but it’s better than nothing. Just don’t come back all disheveled without the milk, a mistake I imagine has happened many times in holiday-themed rom-coms.
8. Give Your Partner A "Tour"
Even if this isn’t your partner’s first trip to your family’s house, maybe they need another tour. Has your partner seen the attic? The attic at my parents’ house is full of the toys my sister and I had as kids, so if I were to stay up for an hour or more, it wouldn’t come off as even remotely suspicious. What it really comes down to you is that you want to take advantage of as many possible places to have sex in the house.
9. Be Mindful Of Messes
If you use condoms, make sure you don’t leave them in the bed accidentally. If you’re in a monogamous relationship and condoms aren’t your thing because you’ve opted for another form of birth control, then be aware of the wet spot — you know the spot I’m talking about — that, no matter what color the sheets, is visible. Basically, this is your big chance to show how responsible you are because you want to pitch in by doing the laundry during your visit.
Takeaway? You absolutely can have sex at your family's house over the holidays. You just need to be cool about it. You can get back to your noisy, kinky action when you're miles away from your family again in a few days.
Images: Fotolia; Giphy; Caroline Wurtzel/Bustle; Giphy