You know what they say (and by they, I mean every history teacher you've ever had): the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. AshLee and Graham from Bachelor In Paradise are insane. Technically, by this definition, Graham is even more insane than AshLee "Capital L" Frazier, because while she just continues giving him roses because she's been Swimfan-obsessed with him since pre-BIP, Graham seems to think that if he keeps giving Ashley "Terrifying Personality" Frazier roses, she will suddenly become a palatable person.
I am the first to admit that I miscalculated AshLee's crazy. I could recall that I conversationally referred to her as "Crazy Eyes Ashley" when she was on Sean's season because she started calling him her boyfriend, like, Week 1; but her awesome dismissal of him ("Whatever.") when he dumped her because he preferred his other two girlfriends, was enough to make me just think she was simply ice cold... that iciness just happened to be fueled more by an insane belief that she can will someone into being her boyfriend simply by saying it is so over and over, than by the actual pain of rejection.
But I'm actually glad I wasn't remembering just how scary Ashley is, because it's made discovering her tendency toward wide-eyed outbursts all the more entertaining. And while Graham seems just as terrified of AshLee as Sean was, he doesn't have a bunch of other girls to fall back on. So he... just... keeps... giving her roses. Each week, their insanity is more inexplicable than the last.
Ashley tells Graham that she came to Paradise specifically because she thought he would be there. Why did she think he might be there? She stalked him closely enough on social media to track his potential whereabouts and dropped her life to pursue the same whereabouts. When Clare asks Graham — a man she and Ashley have known for an equal amount of time, which is one day — on a date, Ashley storms off, weeps, calls Clare names behind her back until Clare decides to take someone else based on a conversation with a raccoon, and then calls her some more names behind her back, and won't talk to Graham when he tries to apologize for... someone else asking him — a single man on a dating show — on a date.
Graham gives Ashley a rose.
AshLee and Graham didn't get a lot of play in Week 2, what with Elise giving a 10-minute speech about loving yourself (or something) at the rose ceremony. But I was assuming that, of course, this would be the week Graham wised up and realized that the only reason he's dating AshLee is because she told him he had to and then just never stopped staring at him.
Ashley gives Graham a rose
This is the week that Graham finally, finally realizes that AshLee might have a couple of screws loose, and that they have all sunk themselves into his flesh and are never letting go. He realizes this right around the time that AshLee spends their entire date — their first date, mind you — explaining how ready she is for him to meet her parents, and how they'll have "hot babies." And while we are just realizing that not only is AshLee pretty nuts, Graham is equally nuts for not bailing on this sinking ship of fiery doom, everyone in Tulum already seems to be way ahead of us. Their relationship makes Lacy do this with her face.
Graham gives Ashley a rose
Ah, yes, finally — the week that Graham became physically ill thinking about AshLee and her, you know, personality... and still gave her a rose.
After hearing from everyone but AshLee that AshLee had spent most of a day running her mouth about Clare being a total "slut" for (allegedly) sleeping with her boyfriend, Graham becomes physically ill as AshLee offers him a rose at the rose ceremony. Like, the guy has to bolt off stage, is sweating bullets, and maybe goes a little blind. And did AshLee come to see about him? No.
Because all Ashlee needs from Graham is a walking good image in a bow tie, and Graham... Graham is happy to oblige. Even when the thought of her makes him want to throw up. What is up with this guy?
Ashley gives Graham a rose, and no one actually vomits as a result of their insanity, but it's a near thing. This will not end well... hopefully.
Images: Francisco Roman/ABC; ABC (screengrab) (6)