Can you feel it? When you walk out the front door, there's a certain something in the air. The weather is getting cooler, the days are getting shorter, and, suddenly, there is a huge display of bloody rubber hands piled up next to the Pop Chips at CVS. It can all only mean one thing: Halloween is coming.
But Halloween is about much more than just babies in pumpkin costumes, drunk teenagers playing with Ouija boards, and your lightly scratched Blu-Ray copy of Hocus Pocus . For, you see, the season of the witch is also the season of the basic bitch.
The much-discussed basic bitch — that yoga pants-loving, pumpkin spice latte-scarfing, Jennifer Aniston-adoring vixen — loves any excuse to dress up, drink up, and throw on a pair of 6-inch pleather heels as a “joke.” Halloween is her finest hour.
And yet, Halloween is more than just a time for the basic bitch to shine — it’s also a time for us each to let the basic bitch inside each of us out. Do you spend all year repressing the urge to perform flamboyant synchronized dances, or take body shots, or wear glitter make-up? Well, Halloween night is the time to cast your cares away, and succumb to the call of the basic.
So join us on our pumpkin-spice-scented voyage into why Halloween is the most basic night of the year.
SEXY HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
Sexy Halloween costumes have gotten a bad rap lately, to the point where it's even kind of basic to hate on them. But when the basic is running through the streets of a major metropolitan area wearing sequined panties and cat ears, she is in her truest, most natural state. To take the sexy animal ears off a basic would be like declawing a majestic lion, and telling it to try something a little more creative.
...even the BIZARRE SEXY HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
The influence of the basic on every facet of Halloween culture can be found in the bizarre-o sexy Halloween costume. Though the basic herself would never do something as yucky as dress up like a weird sexy lady Beetlejuice (a costume premise that leaves me with way more questions than answers, frankly), these Hot Topic-y get-ups show that on Halloween, even girls who love The Nightmare Before Christmas want to try a little basicness on for size.
ANIMALS IN HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
Perfect for Instagramming, even if they're not yours.
BABIES IN HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
Even more perfect for Instagramming, especially if they're not yours.
BABIES AND ANIMALS IN MATCHING HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
You're playing with fire now, Basic. Watch out! Who will be around to like your photos after everyone's ovaries have exploded?!
COCKTAILS THAT TASTE LIKE CANDY
They're different from your usual cocktails that taste like candy, because they have clever, Halloween-related names, like "Zombie Jungle Juice," or "Seven & Skull-ven," or "Vampire Sex on the Vampire Beach (with Vampires)."
all pumpkin everything, all the time
Pumpkin is the gourd of choice for the basic, starting, of course, with the PSL.
Yet Another Found-Footage Horror Movie
You never watch these things during the rest of the year, but October always just feels like the right time to commit to getting together with your best dude-bros, squinting at grainy black and white film for 90 minutes, and then having said dude-bros try to sneak up on you and scare you, over and over again, for the rest of the night (causing you to drop many Halloween candy cocktail drinks in the process). You Basic.
The "Thriller" Dance
Come on, you know how to do this one! It’s a classic! It’s like the "Single Ladies" dance, but for monsters! All the single ghouls! All the single ghouls! Whoa-oh-oh!
Ghost-Related Reality TV
The only thing better than watching washed-up celebrities try to start a business, or washed-up celebrities living in a house together, is watching washed-up celebrities talk about the time they heard a strange creaking noise in their attic.
Hayrides have all the makings for a successful date (darkness, close quarters, a tractor), and are also way more fun than those gross haunted houses where the monster guys grab you from behind and everyone is screaming and everything is covered in red corn syrup.
candy corn-flavored anything
The Basic Bitch of artificial flavoring, candy corn values coating over substance.
PICKING THE PERFECT HALLOWEEN #TBT
Look long and hard for a picture that strikes the exact right balance between "cute," "whimsical," and "look at my awkward phase."
Get some instructions for how to make a really elaborate jack-o-lantern on Pinterest; spend three hours trying to execute those instructions; then, throw out the mashed remains of that first pumpkin, and cut a second pumpkin into the traditional jack-o-lantern face. Then, perch it on your front porch, and post a few dozen pictures of it on social media to make sure that everyone knows how much you love to celebrate your favorite holiday (besides New Year's Eve and Christmas and the Fourth of July and maybe St. Patrick's Day).
It's Shoshanna Shapiro's favorite holiday
As patron saint of basicness Shoshanna Shapiro herself once said, "I will never be bored as long as there's Halloween.”