October 31 is finally here — it's Halloween, baby! It’s everyone’s favorite day to pretend to be someone else. Over the past month you’ve pinned about a thousand potential Halloween costumes, you’ve obsessed over who to be almost to the point of indecision, you managed to assemble a last-minute costume, and tonight the masked charade begins. (If you are seriously so far behind that you don’t have a costume yet, GET ON IT.) But regardless of how much thought you put into your outfit, you probably think your costume decision is of very little consequence. Not true! What you dressed up as for Halloween is very revealing — ripe with tells about your personality, dearest wishes, and motivations.
Lucky for you, I have my Ph.D. in Halloween Costume Decoding from the online college of Too Much Free Time, so I will fill you in on what everyone else sees when they look at your disguise. I obviously hold a very upper echelon credential, so trust me — I know exactly what I’m talking about. Whether you dressed up as a character from Frozen, your favorite emoji, or the sexy Ebola nurse, I know what makes you tick. Happy Halloween, witches and kitties! Here’s my devilish present from me to you…
You desperately wish you could freeze time. How great would it be if you were still living at home, your dad checking your candy for razors, and mom tucking you into your Barbie convertible bed? But no, instead you have real-deal adult anxieties echoing through your head: I hate my job! Why does anyone trust me with a credit card? I haven't had a vegetable in three years! So let it go, let it gooo-o, and enjoy your night of whimsy and abandon. And please, please make sure to have some grownup fun in that dress, just to show yourself one reason why it rocks that you're not a child anymore.
2. RENAISSANCE WOMAN
It has been at least two months since the local Ye Olde Ren Faire packed up for the summer, and you are straight fiending for an Elizabethan fix. Every morning you wake up with the shakes before you put on your peasant skirt and denim vest and trudge off to work. But today is your day! You can be whatever kind of weird wench you want! It's also the best day to ask your crush Gill if he wants to join your weekly D&D game — once he sees you in that completely authentic corset, the answer will probably be yes.
Hello? Hello? Is anybody in there? Are you capable of forming unique thoughts and opinions? Because this costume signals the most basic form of basic, almost pathologically basic. It's like, are you even trying? Oh well, at least you look cute — they can put that on your tombstone... right next to the Marilyn Monroe quote.
4. WONDER WOMAN
Wonder Woman can do anything — and you look good, girl! You aren't afraid to flaunt your strength, and yeah, you're a little bit of a perfectionist. You're all about the details, and you've been working all month to make sure this costume is the best. Superman has nothing on you.
Please, for the love of future civilization, get offline and be present IRL for once in your tech-addicted life. You're already dressed as an Internet accoutrement, so maybe you don't need to send the emoji you're wearing to every one of your contacts like I know you're gonna. Look around. Make eye contact. Real life is the bomb — and hey, maybe you'll meet someone that you don't have to swipe right for... just like in the olden days!
If you are going as a witch for Halloween, it's possible you go as an unofficial witch 364 other days a year, and by that I mean your body is comprised of 99.9 percent bitchy resting face. You can relate to ALL the Real Housewives. You live to work your magic. You can make anything happen. You're also a little weirdly superstitious.
7. SEXY EBOLA HAZMAT SUIT
Congratulations, you win both the award for Worst Person (the anti-People's Choice Award), and the award for having the world's worst judgment. You've been taking in news headlines over the past couple months, and amid all the death, destruction, and ruined lives, you thought, Yes, I want to be that popular tragedy for Halloween! That would be SO COOL!! Now that, my friend, is a personality flaw.