Before we are officially given the whole “birds and the bees” talk from our parents — if we ever are at all — a lot of us have some pretty strange and ill-conceived notions about what sex actually is. We know the basics, like how it involves two people in bed, lots of rolling around, some kissing, and doing all of this without any clothes on, but that’s where it seems to end. What’s going on under those blankets — the actual physical aspects of it all— can only be left to the imagination. And when it comes to how babies are made, outside the story that we're all told about a stork showing up at the window with a bundle of joy, sky's the limit when it comes to assumptions on how the hell they get here.
Since all kids probably have a pretty messed up take on what sex is all about at some point in their lives, we asked some Bustle readers to share their bizarre thoughts from those days of yore. From the, “Oh, yeah, I can totally see that,” to the “OMG, what was wrong with that kid,” here are the 14 funniest things they had to say.
1. It Probably, Most Definitely, Involved Pee
2. If You Do What James Bond Does, Then You're Doing It Right
3. You Just Put It In and Leave It There Until Morning
4. If You're Not Careful, STDs Can Be Contracted Through the Phone
5. Kissing Will Get You Preggers, Every Time
6. Wait. What's An Erection?
7. Obviously Everyone Is Secretly Doing It, Except Me
8. Babies Come From Pills
9. Oral Sex Is Totally Something Only Other People Do
10. Of Course Humans Can Birth Animals
11. It Seems Like A Boatload of Germs, If You Ask Me
12. Masturbation Is...
13. We're All Just Barbie and Ken Dolls Underneath