Before we are officially given the whole “birds and the bees” talk from our parents — if we ever are at all — a lot of us have some pretty strange and ill-conceived notions about what sex actually is. We know the basics, like how it involves two people in bed, lots of rolling around, some kissing, and doing all of this without any clothes on, but that’s where it seems to end. What’s going on under those blankets — the actual physical aspects of it all— can only be left to the imagination. And when it comes to how babies are made, outside the story that we're all told about a stork showing up at the window with a bundle of joy, sky's the limit when it comes to assumptions on how the hell they get here.
Since all kids probably have a pretty messed up take on what sex is all about at some point in their lives, we asked some Bustle readers to share their bizarre thoughts from those days of yore. From the, “Oh, yeah, I can totally see that,” to the “OMG, what was wrong with that kid,” here are the 14 funniest things they had to say.
1. It Probably, Most Definitely, Involved Pee
"I knew it involved the penis going into the vagina, and something coming out. But I thought that 'something' was pee. Yes, I thought the man peed inside you. I still think one of the reasons I'm a lesbian is because I never, ever wanted a guy to piss in me."
2. If You Do What James Bond Does, Then You're Doing It Right
"I lost my flower at the ripe old age of 11 (no foolin'). I thought you just put it in and just writhe around, because that's how James Bond screwed."
3. You Just Put It In and Leave It There Until Morning
"I thought that you put the penis in and just left it there overnight, completely unaware that there was any orgasm involved. The next morning — voila! — you had had the sex!"
4. If You're Not Careful, STDs Can Be Contracted Through the Phone
"I thought oral sex was phone sex because of that scene in The Truth About Cats and Dogs. I was confused how diseases could travel through phone lines, but I figured it had something to do with the mouthpiece."
5. Kissing Will Get You Preggers, Every Time
"I thought a kiss on the mouth led to conception. Until I was about nine."
6. Wait. What's An Erection?
"I didn't understand that erections were a thing. I just knew two people laid down next to each other and the penis went in and that was sex. I didn't know anything until I started sneaking reads of letters to Penthouse, when I was around 10, how it all worked. Probably f*cked up my conception of sex for a while."
7. Obviously Everyone Is Secretly Doing It, Except Me
"I thought it was all hugging and kissing in bed until I was like five. Then I found out the truth and for the first couple of weeks after that I felt really uncomfortable around girls. I figured everyone knew but me and there was this whole big sex world at school that I wasn't a part of."
8. Babies Come From Pills
"I didn't know what sex was, but my parents told me that if you want kids, you have to go to the pharmacy. If you want a girl, they will give you a pink pill; and for a boy, they'll give you a blue pill. And then the mommy takes it and has a baby nine months later!"
9. Oral Sex Is Totally Something Only Other People Do
"I thought oral sex was a schoolyard myth, and looked upon my peers who spoke of it as infantile savages."
10. Of Course Humans Can Birth Animals
"To prove just how confused I was about sex, I thought, for probably the first seven or eight years of my life, that my mom had given birth to our dog, because he was there before my sister and I arrived. And considering he had blonde hair, like my sister and I, it totally made sense."
11. It Seems Like A Boatload of Germs, If You Ask Me
"I remember hearing a friend talk about sex when I was seven. I got the feeling it was something fun to do with someone you liked and thought was cute, but the innuendo didn't give me much info. I went home and asked my mother. I'm SURE she didn't think we'd be having that conversation until years later. My initial reaction was "EWWW who would want to DO that?" I honestly thought all peers that went on about it were gross for many years. It just seemed so unsanitary."
12. Masturbation Is...
"I remember being confused about what 'masturbating' meant, definition wise, until like junior high. I thought it was involuntary, like creaming your pants from excitement, or something like that. Turned out I had already done it and had no idea!"
13. We're All Just Barbie and Ken Dolls Underneath
"I didn't really understand that male and female bodies were different from each other. The nether regions just never really crossed my mind until I actually took my first sex ed class in fifth or sixth grade, and even after that, the actual difference of penis/testicles and a vagina might have been a difficult concept for me to grasp simply because I just didn't think about it."
14. It's Just Like Electricity
"When I was in third grade, Andy Schumacher said, 'My sister says it's just like putting a plug in an outlet,' and that's what I pictured for years!"