Miley Cyrus Is Literally Everywhere. Is She God?
Look at the picture above. See that face? See the elongated tongue? This is both the face of "Wrecking Ball" singer Miley Cyrus and your god. You might be wondering why I've said that. You might say, "But she's just a trashy celebrity. She's everything that is wrong with our generation, etc. etc," but this is only because you have yet to look into the warm and welcoming light that Mileyism brings into your heart. Trust in Cyrus, follow her edicts, and you too shall receive divine ordinance and inner peace. Repeat after me, "Hail Miley, full of grace, the Miley is with thee." Rinse and repeat bitches.
Why is Cyrus a god? Well, philosophers of western religion define god as a being who is omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, and all good. Cyrus must be omniscient, for her ability to raise ratings and rake in cash belies a shrewd business sense/management panache far beyond her years. She is most certainly omnipresent — good luck finding a magazine, website, or radio station that isn't screaming her name or pasted with her picture. And, of course, she is all powerful. Who else could perform a song with Justin Bieber, make twerking something white girls do, break up with Liam Hemsworth, and start a rap career with an album produced by Pharrell in one year? As for the all good tag? Well, that's a moot point — how could anyone who gave teddy bears a much-needed public image revamp ever be bad? They couldn't.
So welcome to the hallowed church of Mileyism. The tenets laid out before you will lead you on a solemn path towards righteousness and twerking. Be aware that it is a long and spiritual road ahead of you, full of MDMA and nipple pasties, but at the end of it lies inner peace, and very possibly an appearance in a confusing rap song that does not appear to apply to you in any way. Have faith: Mileyism is a sincere comfort to those who follow it.
Research being done in rural areas of Calabasas, Calif., has already found small communities practicing a native form of Mileyism, and their indigenous practices hint at a deeply rooted spirituality. They have been observed dancing around a giant teddy bear with a distinctive movement that they call twerking. Interpreters have been told that this is used to communicate with their deity, and they can be found twerking and howling at the sky while sticking their tongues out with a devil-may-care attitude every night once the sun goes down. When asked to explain, the followers immediately stripped down to absolutely nothing, hopped on vines (and Vine), and proceeded to sing "Wrecking Ball." It seems that either they can't stop or they won't stop, but further studies are currently being conducted.
Now, if you question how Mileyism could possibly relate to modern life, look no further than the 10 Commandments. They represent the basic laws of a religion devoting to just being Miley, a modern girl in a skeptical world. What could be more relatable than that?
The Ten Commandents of Mileyism
1) Thou Shalt Have No Other Pop Star Before Miley
2) Thou Shalt Make Every Possible Sort of Likeness, Or Better Yet Buy It, Because Merchandise Makes Loads of Cash
3) Thou Shalt Never Ever Compare Miley To Other Singers Because What She Wears Brings A Factor No One Can Compete With. Never Forget That.
4) Thou Shalt Never Use The "L" Word. Yes, We Do Mean Liam
5) Thou Shalt Never Take Miley's Name In Vain, But Using It As An Allegory For MDMA Is Appropriate
6) Thou Shalt Wear Underwear As Shorts
7) Honor Thy Mother But Not Necessarily Thy Father If They Are Going Through A Nasty Divorce
8) Thou Shalt Not Kill, But Thou Shalt Make Bangerz All The Live Long Day
9) Thou Shalt Not Steal Gwen Stefani's Hairdo Circa 1997. Only Miley Can Do That.
10) Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Fellow Singers Fiancé. Eiza Gonzalez, You Bitch
Ready to sign up?