Raise your hand if you're already over this awful winter weather. Obviously I can't see you, nor do I think you truly raised your hand to your computer screen, but I bet every one of you raised your hand in your hearts. Sure, there are some amazing things about the winter. Like, if you can tolerate being outside for long enough, you can make a snowman and slowly watch him melt in disturbing ways for weeks to come. Also, you can cause some actual harm to your enemies with a snowball and still have the act look completely innocent. And, well, that's about it.
I'm fully aware that both instances I've mentioned are only fun if you're 15 years old and under. When you grow up, you're expected to be places — snow or no snow. You're also expected to make it to work on time, even if two out of the four roads you use for your commute are shut down. While some employers are kind enough to have snow days, others — especially big-name retailers — often have cold, dark hearts when these acts of God strike.
However, there's one thing that can make it all better. It's called Happy Hour, and I'm sure you're pretty familiar with the concept, and even commiserated with your fellow coworkers there before. In non-scary doses, alcohol can make you feel better about your winter woes. Here are a few amazing drinks to try for every problem that might pop up this season.
1. For when your car got stuck in the middle of an intersection, and you seriously assumed that this was your last day on Earth, and now you're trying to recover
The Drink: Kahlua Mind Eraser
Ingredients: Kahlua, Absolut Vodka, and Club Soda
When you need the help of amazing strangers to make your car move forward, it's evident that the roads are unsafe. While your heart may be warmed by the kindness of your neighborhood, it'll be even warmer with a Kahlua Mind Eraser. Not only will this drink help you forget about your terrible morning, but Kahlua is chocolate-based, and the best warming beverage in my eyes is hot chocolate. So they're like, second cousins.
2. For when you slipped and fell on your ass, and your hot neighbor totally witnessed it
The Drink: Manhattan
Ingredients: Rye whiskey, Sweet Vermouth, bitters, and a cherry if you want to get fancy with it
This incident requires pure whiskey. Manhattans are classy as hell, especially if you sip it while calling everyone "darling" in a luxurious fur coat. In my 30 years, I've never seen anyone chug a Manhattan at a party. Thus, with a drink like this, you can prove that you still have some grace.
3. For when it took you 30 minutes to remove all of the ice from your car, and you had to drive to work late, with frozen hands
The Drink: Hot Buttered Rum
Ingredients: Dark rum, nutmeg, butter, and a bunch of weird stuff from your kitchen
This drink seriously takes some time to make, hence the reason why it's perfect for this occasion. After spending so much time doing something terrible yet necessary, it's now time to focus on doing something necessary yet terrible. I mean, come on. You're drinking butter. Alcoholic butter.
4. For when you lost a glove. Where the heck could it have gone? Should you bother searching the neighborhood?
The Drink: Adams Apple
Ingredients: Apple juice and vodka
The phrase "An apple a day keeps the doctor away" is true. Apples are starting to become linked to helping your memory, as well. This is the best way to give your brain the kickstart it needs. All of a sudden, you might feel inclined to check under the car seat in order to reunite gloves.
5. For when your neighborhood isn't plowed yet, and you seriously need to get somewhere
The Drink: Bloody Mary
Ingredients: Vodka, tomato juice, Worcester sauce, Tabasco sauce, lemon juice, salt, and pepper
Bloody Marys scream "morning" to me. So if it's 12:45 p.m. and you're still home bound, depending on the help of others to be free, this drink will help make you feel like it's morning again. If you want, you can also drink a bunch of Bloody Marys, stay at home, cry about the situation a little bit, text random people you haven't talked to since high school, change your profile image on Facebook to something "sexier," drink a gallon of water, and be totally ready for tomorrow morning.
6. For when last year's bulky, roomy winter sweaters are feeling a little more slim-fit
The Drink: Vodka soda with lime
Ingredients: Vodka, club soda, and a lime wedge. Pretty self explanatory.
First off, it's normal to gain a few pounds during the holidays. It's also normal to not weigh the same thing you did five years ago. Yet no matter what, it's ultimately disappointing when you look forward to big sweaters and just end up feeling big in a sweater. This drink is pretty much a vodka tonic, but with less calories. So it's like you're drinking your sadness away in a responsible way, right? Baby steps.
7. For when you had to drive 45 minutes to get somewhere in a car with a broken heater
The Drink: A shot of whiskey
Ingredients: Whiskey of your choice
Seriously. You probably burned about a thousand calories by shivering to work. If the roads were bad, you were multitasking by exercising caution while trying to maintain your body temperature. The second you open the door and grab a blanket, go ahead and do a shot of whiskey to best warm your insides.
8. For when your kid's school schedule just isn't syncing up to your work schedule based on weather delays
The Drink: Red wine (whole bottle)
Ingredients: One gigantic bottle of red wine. Like, the biggest one in the store.
OK, so I don't have kids yet, but I don't think that sitcoms have lead me astray when I say that red wine is totally a "busy Mom drink." When I have kids, I plan on sipping on wine during dinner and saying things like, "that's adult juice, don't touch it!" I seriously can't even imagine what I'll do when I have to get my kids to school with a two-hour delay, in between my own stuff. So when they go to sleep, just down a whole bottle of red wine. Don't have a whole bottle of wine? Make life easy on yourself and order one. You heard me — check out services like Minibar, which will deliver a bottle of your choosing to your door within an hour. You guys? That's amazing. Go ahead and sign up now — and then just make sure there's another adult in the house, in case there's an emergency and a sober parent is needed.
9. For when you see your post-holiday credit card bill
The Drink: Old Fashioned
Ingredients: Bourbon or rye whiskey, a sugar cube, and some bitters. Note that recipes vary for this one.
An Old Fashioned can be truly amazing. Not only are they classic, but they're — well — old fashioned. They're the perfect drink to take a deep sip of, while holding up your paper bills and reclining on your Barcalounger. In this scenario, I imagine you'll probably also be wearing a monocle.
The holidays suck, since it typically takes until March to financially recover and start saving again. With a drink like this, you'll remember to take it slow and remind yourself that everything has a way of working out. Plus, worst case scenario? Everyone is in debt these days anyway.