We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist based in San Francisco, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions remain anonymous. Now, onto this week’s topic: what to do when a guy won't go down on you.
Q: I’m a single girl currently getting a lot of use out of my Tinder account. In the last year, I’ve progressed to the fourth or fifth date with a handful of guys, and have wound up sleeping with them. I’m totally cool with casual sex, but one strange pattern I’ve noticed is that none of them have offered to go down on me. I went down on all of them, expecting it to be reciprocated, but it never happened. Is this a sign that guys these days are just selfish? I love receiving oral, and wish it wasn’t so hard to find a partner who loved it too! How do I deal with all these guys not giving oral?
A: What’s a girl gotta do around here to get some cunnilingus! Sadly, I don’t think this is just a temporary trend. I don’t have any hard numbers to back this up, but my sense is that cunnilingus has historically been one of the least-often performed sex acts. Here are seven tips for how to approach your next hookup and increase your chances of getting what you want.
1. Try Not To Be Too Quick To Judge
It might be tempting to want to write these guys off as being selfish or inconsiderate. Some of them very well may be, but not all of them! I polled some guys about this question, and they said most women turn them down when they try to initiate oral sex. Lots of women worry about their genitals being “icky” or “gross,” so the last thing they want is a guy’s head all up in their business.
The guys I spoke with said it’s awkward to be turned down or have their heads pushed away (one guy said a woman actually snapped her legs shut and yelled “EW!”), so they started initiating cunnilingus less and less. It’s very possible that your past partners were too used to or afraid of rejection that they decided to not even try.
2. Ask For What You Want
You can’t expect guys to read your mind about what you’d like them to do to you in bed. The simplest way of increasing your chances of getting oral is to ask for it. It would be nice for a guy to offer, but if it’s something you want, you should feel comfortable making a request.
This doesn’t have to be an awkward or clinical interaction though! Asking for what you want can be incredibly sexy. Try playing around with different ways of putting it into words when you’re on your own, until you find something that feels comfortable to you. Some examples include, “I’d love to feel your tongue between my legs” or “how about you do me and then I do you?” Or go all-in and change your Tinder description to: “just a nice girl looking for some cunnilingus.”
3. If You Get A “No,” Ask Why ...
So let’s say you put yourself out there and asked him to go down on you, only to have him turn you down or skirt around the question. Let yourself feel disappointed, then ask for more details. You don’t want to be pushy or a jerk about it, but I think it’s a good idea to ask him how he feels about oral.
This question is a good gauge of his character, and may give you some clues about how to move forward. It's your opportunity to feel into how much of a dealbreaker his oral reluctance is for you.
4. ... And Pay Attention To His Response
Different women will have different standards, but if he says something demeaning like, “it’s just weird,” or "it tastes gross," he’s probably not a dude who deserves to get into your pants anyways. If he says something like, “I’m not that experienced, and I don’t want to disappoint you,” you can happily offer to be his tutor!
5. Respect The Fact That He Might Not Be Ready
On the other hand, he might say, “it’s just not something I feel comfortable doing at this point.” For some people, oral sex feels much more intimate than intercourse. If he genuinely doesn’t feel comfortable with going down on you at this stage, respect his feelings. You wouldn’t want anyone pressuring you for a blowjob, would you? He might want to wait until things are more serious between the two of you, or until you guys are in a committed relationship. Ask him to let you know when he feels ready.
6. Don’t Do Anything You Don’t Want To Do
Along those same lines, it’s important to respect your own preferences too! You said you went down on these guys, expecting for them to return the favor. Don’t ever feel like you have to do something you don’t want to do just to get what you want.
7. Keep Talking About Oral Sex Openly
We can all contribute to a more cunnilingus-positive world by being open about our oral desires. Your question made me think of the Dan Savage acronym, GGG. It stands for good, giving, and game, and it’s Savage’s way of describing what it means to be a great sexual partner. Just to be clear, the goal isn’t to push people into doing things that they don’t feel comfortable with, but celebrating being giving and generous partners with each other.
So the next time you have a guy go down on you, thank him! Encourage your guy friends to become bigger proponents of oral. Talk to your girlfriends about their feelings and experiences. Become the best oral advocate you can be!
And remember, none of this is a reflection on you or the awesomeness of your vagina. Have fun — and keep staying true to what you want.