Do you think you'll tie the knot someday? If so, then you might want to be on the lookout for personality traits that indicate a person shouldn't get married. Whether they apply to you, or your partner, recognizing them before you sign any papers is always a good thing.
Because let's face it, marriage isn't for everyone. While some choose not to get married (and that's totally OK), others do it anyway — even though they shouldn't. Barging headlong down the aisle despite all the waving red flags is never a smart move, especially if you haven't paused for a moment (or two, or three) of self reflection first.
"It is very important for people to be self-aware enough about themselves and to understand what marriage really requires before deciding to marry," couples coach and marriage counselor Lesli Doares tells Bustle. If you have personality traits that might make a long-term commitment difficult, it's definitely a good idea to work on them first.
Are you selfish? Does your partner have problems communicating? These things can and should be worked on, especially if you're planning on spending your lives together. Read on for some personality traits that aren't compatible with marriage, so you'll know just what to work on if you'd like to get hitched.
1. They Don't Like To Show Affection
Everyone has their own way of showing affection, and some do so more than others. But the general rule is that married couples kinda have to show the love. This might mean cuddling up to watch a movie, making coffee together in the morning, or having sex — whatever makes you both feel loved. Without affection, speaker and counselor Davida Rappaport tells me you can expect a very cold and unhappy relationship. And that just won't work.
2. They're Truly Selfish
Marrying a selfish person means taking a backseat to their wants and desires, Rappaport tells me. If and when they don't get their way, it's likely things could turn toxic, and even abusive. And that's not a recipe for a healthy marriage.
3. They Aren't Into Monogamy
There are all sorts of ways to define a relationship, but usually marriage implies monogamy. If someone struggles to remain faithful to their partner, then the marriage will likely go up in smoke. As Rappaport tells me, unfaithfulness simply causes too much pain and too many trust issues for things to work out long-term.
4. They Lie About Everything
For a marriage to be healthy, there has to be trust. And to get that trust, you both have to tell the truth. If your partner is constantly fibbing their way through the day and weaving a web of lies, it may be habit worth working on before deciding to get married.
5. They Don't Own Their Mistakes
Nobody's perfect, so don't worry about totally "fixing your faults" before getting married. But do make sure you and your partner possess the ability to own up to your mistakes. "Facing them isn't an easy thing to do by any means," says educator and health activist Kirsten Schultz. But she tells me doing so will make for a very healthy relationship.
6. They Don't Know How To Apologize
Life is tough and fight will happen, so it's important to know how to truly apologize. As Doares says, "Being able to own your behavior and accept responsibility for the outcome, even if unintended, is critical for the hurt to heal and your relationship to move forward." If you can't do this, you'll both be in for a life of resentment.
7. They Say Whatever They Want, Even When It's Hurtful
While we all slip up and rude on occasion, it shouldn't be an ongoing trait in your partner. "If someone is rude and treats people disrespectfully, even if they treat [you] respectfully, this might be a problem in the future," Rappaport says. Their rudeness will likely turn on you. But even if it doesn't, it's a sign they just aren't mature enough for marriage.
8. They Are Stubborn AF
As Rappaport tells me, sharing your life with someone means being able to give and take. If your partner isn't able to "play nice" and share, so to speak, then you'll likely spend all your time placating them. And what kind of life is that?
9. They Have Some Serious Trust Issues
Trust issues can put a huge damper on any relationship, and should definitely be dealt with before moving forward. "Many people have trust issues because they have been badly hurt in the past," Rappaport says. "If they cannot stop living in fear of betrayal, and do not get help so they can overcome this issue, any marriage they undertake will have problems."
10. They Really Struggle With Communication
Everyone knows communication is the key to a happy relationship. So if your partner shuts down or keeps issues hidden, take note. As Rappaport tells me, this is something that can ruin a marriage — especially if you're both unwilling to work on it.
11. They Spend Money Like It's Going Outta Style
Seeing eye-to-eye financially is important for any couple, but especially so for those who want to get married. If your partner sucks at handling their money, it'll likely only get worse once you have bigger responsibilities down the road (like a house, or kids). Until you both can work this out, steer clear of marriage.
Keep in mind, though, that people can change. Everyone can learn how to save money or get better at communicating, especially if they're motivated by the desire to have a healthier (and long-term) relationship. If you and your partner seem to be heading on this direction, be sure to work on these issues first.
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