It's not like I need any additional help feeling old AF these days — I gave up any illusion of youth when I had to ask my younger cousin to decode an emoji-filled text for me. Alas, the universe doesn't care about my growing sense of mortality (or yours, for that matter) and has proceeded to gift us with certain facts that will make '90s kids feel old in 2017. Super old, in fact. If you're a '90s kid like me, well, prepare to feel your age, my friend.
The funny thing about being the '90s kid nostalgia wave we've all been riding these last few years is that it makes us feel young. I mean, let's be honest, we love it because it doesn't seem like that long ago. Wasn't it just yesterday we were hitting the mall to pick up gag gifts for our friends at Spencer's or buy a new set of black velvet chokers from Claire's? It sure seems that way when we're remembering the past through the filter of our rosy '90s kids glasses. But, real talk: it's been a hot minute since we mmm-bopped our way through that decade.
So at the risk of making myself feel like the narrator of Tales from the Crypt, let's take a look at some fun facts about 2017.
1'90s Songs Now Qualify As "Oldies" On The Radio
They're just another banner decade under the vintage music veil. The pop, rap, and grunge songs that defined the '90s have been put out to pasture. Which brings us to another salient point...
2Britney Spears Is Now 35
Brit had a birthday in December, putting her officially in her mid-30s.
3It's Been 27 Years Since We Watched 'The Baby-Sitters Club'
The TV-based babysitting capers of Mallory, Dawn, Kristy, Mary Anne, Jessi, Stacey, and Claudia went off the air on March 26, 1990. Peace be with you, ladies.
4Baby Emma from 'Friends' Would Be a Teen Today
Rachel and Ross' little love child was born on May 16, 2002, meaning she'd be turning 15 this year. Her mom and dad would be turning 48 and 50, respectively. And, yes, you read that right.
5This Is What the Teletubbies Sun Baby Looks Like Now (We Think)
Her name is Jess Smith. Oh, yeah, and the Teletubbies have babies of their own now, too. What is my life?
6'Beverly Hills, 90210' Has Been Off the Air for Around 17 Years
For that matter, the new 90210 has been off the air for four years already. As for the OG 90210's big heartthrobs, Jason Priestley (aka Brandon Walsh) and Luke Perry (aka Dylan McKay) are 47 and 50, respectively.
7Your Tamagotchi Is Now On Your Phone
There's an app for that. Literally. Our '90s kid obsessions have officially gone digital.
8'Hook' is 25 Years Old
In case that fact in and of itself doesn't make you feel ancient, take a long, hard look at this pic of all your favorite Lost Boys reunited. Bangarang!
9Ralph Macchio is Now 55
To put this in proper context, Mr. Miyagi was 51 in The Karate Kid. Ralph Macchio is now four years older than Mr. Miyagi. Wax that one on and off.
10The Original 'Power Rangers' Movie Would Be 22 This Year
11Jared Leto Just Turned 45
He'll always be Jordan Catalano to me — and we all know Jordan Catalano is timeless.
12This Is the Cute Kid from 'Jerry Maguire'
Do we look? Do we avert our gaze? Is there a right answer here? Yo, baby Lipnicki, loan grown-up Lipnicki your jean jacket. Show me the... nothing. I want my '90s kid mind's eye to remain pure.
13'Titanic' Turns 20 This Year
The only comfort we have here is that, by now, old lady Rose has certainly kicked it and is chillin' with Jack aboard that great cruise ship in the sky.
14Also Turning 20? The Backstreet Boys' Second Album
15And 'Men in Black'
I swear my friends and I were just sitting in homeroom singing, "Here come the Men in Black, galaxy defenders..."
16And The Spice Girls' 'Spiceworld' Album
I mean, c'mon. Emma Bunton just turned 42... and she was Baby Spice!
17And 'Air Bud'
And, sadly, Buddy — the pup who played Air Bud — passed away nine years ago. ICYMI, he also played Comet in Full House. RIP, our '90s kid youth.