8 Signs Your Partner May See You As A Placeholder For "The One"
Relationships require taking some risks. For instance, even if you hope you're relationship will last, nobody can predict whether or not it actually will. And it can also be hard to tell if your partner sees long-term potential in your relationship as well. So what are the signs of a placeholder relationship, and is your partner possibly waiting for something else to come along?
"As a Relationship Coach who spends my days talking to women in and out of love, they always want to know how to speed past the B.S. and really tell if their current flame will turn into real life relationship goals," Stephanie Churma, owner of The Good Love Company, tells Bustle.
According to Churma, if someone truly sees you as "The One," you'll know. "When someone is serious about making you a priority, they do. It's that simple," she says. "If they want you, not only will you know this by their actions, but they will go out of their way to make sure nobody else can get in the way of committing to you," Churma says.
But if you find yourself waiting by your phone to make weekend plans only to be brushed off or being constantly told that they're not ready for anything serious, it might be time to really look into your situation. Here are some signs experts say your partner might just see you as a placeholder for "The One."
1. There Is No Talk About The Future
If you don’t hear your partner talk about the future, they might not see you in theirs. "The words 'we should do this together' are not part of your relationship's vocabulary," Rhonda Milrad, LCSW, relationship therapist and Founder of online relationship community, Relationup, tells Bustle. That means no planning for things down the road, no talk of big trips, no hints at living together, and definitely zero mention of getting married or starting a life together. While it may just be that your partner hasn't brought it up yet, asking them questions to see whether they're thinking long-term can help you better understand what their intentions are for your relationship.
2. Your Gut Is Telling You They're Not All In
"Consciously and unconsciously, you may pick up on subtle signs that cumulatively tell you that your partner may not be committed," Milrad says. "You find yourself wondering if you'll be together long-term or thinking, at times, that they may not be as into you as you are into them." If you have any feelings of doubt about their commitment to you without really knowing why, take notice. Your gut might be telling you something and it may be time for a talk.
3. You're Not Integrated Into Their Life
If you feel like you and your partner live completely separate lives, they might not be thinking long-term. That means you don’t hang out with their friends, you haven’t met their family, you don’t get invited for holidays, and you aren’t asked to be their date for major events. In short, "you feel like you're being held at an arm’s distance," Milrad says. If this is the case, speak up and talk to your partner about their expectations now rather than later.
4. You're Not On Their Social Media At All
"If someone checking out their social media wouldn’t be sure if they were in a relationship or not, that's not good," Milrad says. Although you shouldn't use your partner's social media activity as a way to see how your relationship is going, not being present at all can be a red flag depending on the circumstances.
5. They've Explicitly Told You They Don't Want A Long-Term Relationship
Even if they've told you they're not ready for something more serious or long-term, Milrad says, it's not uncommon for people to hope their partners will change their minds eventually. "But this can lead to crushing disappointment and sadness when you come face to face with the fact that they're really not in a place to give you what you're looking for," she says. If they have been upfront about it initially, and you are hoping that this will change, it may be a good idea to rethink the relationship.
6. They Don't Talk To You About The "Real Things" That Are Going On In Their Life
"If someone is serious about you and thinks you could be 'The One,' [they] will start to bring you into the 'real parts' of their life," Samantha Daniels, matchmaker and Founder of The Dating Lounge dating app, tells Bustle. That means they will be talking to you about their family, their work issues, their childhood, and even their hopes and dreams. If this is the case, they may be thinking of you as someone to currently have fun with, but possibly not for the long-haul, Daniels says. The quickest way to find out is to discuss it.
7. They Rarely Make Plans With You In Advance
If someone is serious about you they'll want to make plans with you in advance. "If they're only asking you out for spur of the moment, random plans," that may be a red flag Daniels says. While spontaneity can be great, it may not be best as the norm. It's not cool to constantly be someone's last minute plans, especially if you're in a relationship.
8. The Relationship Is Always On Their Time
"If your dating life revolves around the other person’s schedule, essentially making it as convenient for them as possible, that's not a good sign," relationship expert, Amy Deacon, MSW, RSW, tells Bustle. Relationships require an equal amount of give and take. Your partner shouldn't be making it all about them.
When it comes to your relationship, only you can truly say whether you're wasting your time or not. But always remember that you deserve the relationship you want. Don't settle for someone who's just going to make you feel like an option. And if your partner is giving you doubts about their intentions, speak with them about it. It may be tough at first, but it's better to know now so you can both find what you're looking for.