We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions will remain anonymous. Please send your sex and relationship inquiries to email@example.com. Now, onto today’s topic: how to sext when your partner is more into it than you are.
Q: “I have a new boyfriend, and he’s really into sexting. Like, really into sexting. He wants to do it all the time, even during the day or when we can’t see each other. It seems like he almost needs to do it to get turned on. I’ve never been much of a sexter myself, so I’m struggling with how to make this work. I know that pretty much everyone sexts, so I feel like something is wrong with me and I need to change. He’ll send me a text saying something like, ‘tell me something sexy.’ I just freeze up and can’t think of anything. How can I learn to be a good sexter?”
A: Thanks for the question! Sexting is something that should feel fun, sexy, and playful, but it all too often winds up feeling awkward and stressful. Most people put a lot of pressure on themselves to be “good” at sexting. But if it’s not something that comes natural to you, it’s hard to know how to even get started. Here are seven ways to get more comfortable with sexting.
Remember You Don’t Need To Do Anything You Don’t Want To Do
I wanted to start off by reminding you that you’re the authority over your own sex life. You get to choose what you do and don’t want to do, and you should never allow anyone to pressure you into doing things that don’t feel right to you. It doesn’t matter if you really like this guy. It doesn’t matter if all of your friends are prolific sexters. All that matters is what feels right for you. It’s fine to want to do something you wouldn’t normally do for your partner, but you have to remember that it’s a choice.
Know That Sexting Isn’t For Everyone
Another reminder — not everyone likes sexting, and that’s perfectly OK. Just like it’s perfectly OK for sexting to be an integral part of your boyfriend’s sex life. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, and there’s nothing that you need to change. We all have our own personal preferences when it comes to sex. Like I said above, it’s great to be respectful of your partner’s desires, and interested in exploring things you may not have done on your own. But you don’t have to necessarily share those same desires. Don’t beat yourself up if sexting just isn’t your thing.
Learn The Sexting Basics
All that being said, there are plenty of ways to up your sexting game. One of the biggest blockages that comes up for people around sexting is that they just don’t know what to say. A lot of people, like you, tend to freeze up in the moment. It seems like there are so many different possibilities, but nothing specific comes to mind.
Fortunately, I’ve got your back with plenty of ideas and inspiration! A few years ago, I wrote a big list of 50 different sexting examples that you could send to your partner right away. On the list, I named seven different types of sexts:
- Previews: telling your partner what you have in store for them later. Example: “I want you to lie back and let me take care of you tonight.”
- Requests: asking for something from your partner. Example: “Tell me what you think about when you masturbate.”
- Things you like to fantasize about. Example: “It’s so hot to imagine you tying me up.”
- Teases: taunting your partner about the fact that the two of you can’t be intimate at that moment. Example: “It’s too bad you’re not here right now.”
- Memories: reminding your partner of sexy times you shared in the past. Example: “I can’t get last night out of my mind.”
- Compliments. Example: “You make me so wet.”
- Fillers: these are fairly generic responses you can use when you’re not sure what else to say. Example: “That turns me on so much.”
Not so intimidating when you break it down like that, right?
Look At Examples
Aside from checking out that list of 50 specific sexts, you can also check out this article I wrote about 14 sexting games you can play with your partner. These games can create some structure around your sexting, so you have more of an idea of what to say. They can also help sexting feel lighter and more playful, so you’re not so stressed about getting everything “just right.” (More on this in a minute.)
Be Honest With Your Partner
It sounds like your partner is putting a fair amount of pressure on you to sext him with as much frequency as he likes. I think the two of you should have a conversation about the role that you want sexting to play in your relationship. You don’t need to get too serious about it, but you can tell him, “hey, so I’ve noticed you’re pretty into sexting, which is cool. I’m just not a big sexter. I’m happy to try it out with you, but I want you to know it’s probably not something I’ll want to do as often as you.”
If there’s a specific time that he sexts and you’re not able to or interested in getting started, you can send him a flirty text that says something like, “can’t talk right now… hope it’s not too hard on you to have to wait…” If he repeatedly asks you to sext at inconvenient times, you may have to give him firmer boundaries. You can say something like, “my job is really demanding, so I just can’t sext during the day. Can we save our fun until after the workday?”
Ask Your Partner To Take The Lead
It also sounds like your partner isn’t giving you a lot to go off of, by saying things like, “tell me something sexy.” Just about anyone would freeze up trying to think of something to say in response! When he sends you a message like that, respond with something like, “why don’t you get us started? I want to see what’s on your mind.” If he keeps asking you to start things, you can tell him, “remember when I told you I’m not as much of a sexter as you are? I’m happy to sext with you, but I need you to get the ball rolling.”
Don’t Stress Out
A lot of people get stressed out about sexting because they think it needs to be "perfect.” There’s something about seeing your own words staring back at you that creates this pressure to find the exact right things to say. But that pressure also sucks all of the fun out of sexting. Try to remind yourself that there’s no “right” or “wrong” way to sext. It’s OK to type something that ends up sounding a little silly, or to get sexting writer’s block in the moment.