I Went To A Sex Coach & Here's What I Learned About Fantasies, Orgasms, And Relationships

I'm pleased to say that I’m happy with my sex life. My partner and I both want sex often, and the sex is very mutually satisfying. Still, there’s always room for improvement — especially when improving yourselves is fun, as is the case with sex. So, when sex coach Lia Holmgren offered to conduct a session with me, I immediately took her up on it.

Holmgren became a sex coach after working as a dominatrix. A lot of her clients had come to her because they had sexual desires, fantasies, or problems that they weren’t discussing with their partners, and she realized she’d rather help them work through these issues with their significant others than fulfill their needs herself.

"For each of my sessions, the goal for me is to help the client (individual or couple) to find ways to build a stronger bond and a more communicative relationship, and if there are any tensions within the relationship, identify, analyze, and solve the root of that strain to find balance," Holmgren tells Bustle. "Often, when a couple or individual is feeling tension or stress, they may only see a few options. A trained professional can help that individual or couple see many more options and help navigate compromise. My goal as a coach is to not only help my clients think outside the box on one particular issue but to also give them the tools to problem-solve outside of my office. My clients often find that what they learn with me as far back as their first session can still be applied years later."

Who wouldn't want that? Eager to improve my relationship and sex life, I met Holmgren at her apartment in Manhattan to ask her all my burning sex questions. Here’s what I learned about fantasies, orgasms, and relationships over the course of our hour together.

1You Can Get Your Partner To Act Out Your Fantasies

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The day I saw Holmgren, I’d been away from my partner for a few months, so I was dreaming up some X-rated fantasies about him. I wasn’t sure how to bring them up with him or incorporate them into our sex life, though, especially since a lot of them involved my partner taking control, and orchestrating the fantasies would seemingly require me to be in control. Holmgren suggested that I plan these fantasies in advance by telling my partner exactly how to initiate them. That way, I could be in control of how I lost control.

Not everybody naturally takes the initiative during sex, but you can teach your partner to do so by telling them exactly how, according to Holmgren. If they’re too shy to voice their desires or take charge, you could even be playful about it and tell them you won’t give them what they want until they do.

2You Can Also Help Them Discover Their Own Fantasies

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Since I’d been having so many detailed sexual fantasies, I was curious how to get the same level of creativity and imagination out of my partner. Holmgren suggested this game: You each send each other a porn video (or three, or five) that turns you on — but it can’t be a video of something you’ve done before. It has to be something new that you can try together if you’re both into it. Then, compare fantasies. Or, if you don’t like porn, you can use written erotica. Sometimes, you need to be exposed to a fantasy before realizing you yourself have it.

3It's OK For Sex To Be Silly

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One question I asked Holmgren was how to engage in role-playing without making it silly. She challenged my assumption that it shouldn’t be, pointing out that couples should have fun during sex. Getting turned on and goofing around aren’t mutually exclusive, so there’s no need to worry about role-playing or any other sexual act becoming silly. That’s part of the fun.

4It's Common Not To Enjoy Intercourse That Much — But You Can Make It More Fun

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I was a little embarrassed to admit to Holmgren that I don’t get a ton of pleasure from penetration. Not only do I not orgasm that way — I don’t feel much sensation at all, and around the five-minute mark, I start to get sore and want it to be over. Holmgren told me she hears from tons of women with the exact same experience. You always hear about women wanting sex to last longer, but there are also many who wish it were shorter. This is likely due to the fact that there aren’t many nerve endings in the vagina, and the clitoris is usually necessary for orgasm.

So, the way to overcome this problem is to involve the clitoris in penetration, says Holmgren. You can do this by using a toy or your hand on your clitoris during intercourse or grinding against your partner’s pubic bone. If you go with the latter option, you’ll want them to give you more of a back-and-forth motion than an in-and-out one so that your clit stays as close to their body as possible.

5When It Comes To Orgasms, "Ladies First" Isn't Always The Best Policy

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During the discussion about enjoying penetration, I mentioned that I often lose the desire for sex by the time my partner enters me because I orgasm during foreplay. This is generally considered desirable, with some men considering a "ladies first" orgasm policy a form of chivalry. The problem is, after many women orgasm, they become less responsive to sexual touch, and it can even get painful. Holmgren suggested that I hold out on orgasming until my partner is inside me, and then grind my clitoris against the base of his penis or his pubic bone or use my hand or a toy to orgasm during intercourse. That way, we'll both be equally into it.

6You Can Incorporate Other People Into Your Sex Life While Being Monogamous

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Since I’m monogamous but sexually adventurous, Holmgren explained the concept of being “monogamish” to me. This means that you and your partner subtly incorporate other people into your sex life, perhaps by flirting with others, getting turned on by others’ bodies, or turning them on with your own. Since I have some exhibitionist fantasies, just the thought of walking around naked in front of people turns me on, and my partner could be by my side while I do that. So, a few suggestions Holmgren gave me were going to a nude beach or a sex club together. Relationship models don’t always have to be black and white.

7Anything You'd Tell A Sex Coach, You Should Tell Your Partner

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Even though I’m a sex writer, I don’t always share as much with my partner as I do in my articles. But Holmgren stressed the importance of talking to my partner with the same detail with which I talked to her. It hit me that I’d never told him about my exhibitionist fantasies or my desire to make penetration more fun or my hope that he'll take more initiative. So, I wrote a long email to him afterward describing my desires. It felt great to know not just that I was one step closer to getting what I want but also that he and I were a team working toward it.

No matter how much we already know about sex, anyone could benefit from going to a sex coach. Sex can provide so many amazing things, from increased intimacy to improved health, so why not work to make it as fantastic as possible?