If You're Feeling Sexually Frustrated, Here's What You Can Do If You're Not Into Casual Sex

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Some people are good at doing the whole no-strings-attached sex thing and it's fulfilling and enjoyable. Sometimes the type of sexual relationships you like will change depending on what period of your life and your sexuality you are in. You might be the type of person, or be in a phase in your life, where casual sex is not at all your bag. That's OK. Honoring whatever best serves you sexually can be a challenging thing to learn how to do. If that's the case for you, and and you happen to be sexually frustrated and single, the options for satiating your sex drive might seem limited. But trust, there are things you can do!

Sex therapist Janet Brito, who is based in Hawaii, reiterates that it is so beyond OK if you don't feel down with casual sex.

"First thing is to normalize it and don’t shame yourself," Brito says. "You may feel that because your friends are having casual sex, then you must do it too." If that is not what you are into or feel comfortable or safe doing, that's all good. Her first tip is to get in touch with solo sex. Whether for the first time or just to reinvigorate your masturbation experiences.

"If you are sexually frustrated, I recommend you arrange a date with yourself, the way you would plan a date with someone you like," Brito says. Get ready, go out, and then come home and set the mood. "Being single is the perfect time to figure out what you like, and if you like, to self-pleasure."

Sex educator Jamie LeClaire, who holds an executive board position at YES! (Your Empowered Sexuality!), a non-profit organization dedicated to providing empowering, engaging, inclusive, and accessible sex education to schools and communities, also has some great tips for solo sex.

"No matter the reason you are trying quench your sexual thirst, there are many ways to spark some extra joy in your nether regions through solo sex," LeClaire says. "Keep a charged vibrator waiting for you, or on you!"

There are more and more wearable vibrators out there, LeClaire says, like Unbound's Palma ring, the Vesper necklace, and the We-vibe Moxie, making a solo quickie no problemo.

Another thing they suggest is edging. "This practice involves getting yourself almost to the point of orgasm, getting to 'the edge,' then pulling back," LeClaire says. "Implementing this practice several times during masturbation produces a more powerful, satisfying orgasm."

And try new positions, they say!

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"Try humping or riding something, throw in a toy, or try butt plugs," LeClaire says. "Alone is probably the best way to learn more about your body and it's capabilities of pleasure."

LeClaire says that watching ethical porn that depicts more passionate, realistic non-casual sex — sometimes with actual real-life couples — on places like MakeLoveNotPorn, Four Chambers, or Crashpad Series is another exciting option for upping the adventure.

But if you are looking to find a way that you can have partnered sex in a way that feels stable to you, even if not in a relationship, there are ways you can approach this.

"You also might want to consider a 'friends with benefits' type of situation, with someone you can trust," LeClaire says. Solo sex is not the only option, and neither are one night stands or sexual relationships that seem too offhand or without emotional safety.

"As long as you are communicative, and upfront about your intentions and boundaries, and all on the same page, these 'situation-ships' can often be a [good] option," LeClaire says. Ask yourself about what your specific boundaries are, and what types of arrangements definitely are not for you. Go from there.

Brito says that cuddle parties might be a good place to meet people and practice consensual, safe, affectionate, but non-sexual touching. These can be found in online forums, or you can host one.

"Going to a meet up and participating in your favorite hobby or activity might also expose you to other likeminded people, whom you can develop a relationship and explore whether art can become a sexual relationship," Brito says.

Beyond that, Brito says, simply staying involved and active in your life, with daily rituals is a good idea.

"Stretch yourself to experience pleasure in more ways than sexual," Brito says. "Don’t hyper-focus on the sexual frustration, but instead take this opportunity to stretch your imagination to fantasize and be sensual."

Remember, sexual frustration is totally normal. It happens to pretty much everyone. Have faith that you can find a way to satisfy yours and find situations that feel good for you!