For the month of September, Bustle’s Sex TBH package is talking about sex, honestly. We’re delving into how women approach the things they’re taught to be shy or embarrassed about in the bedroom — and, in doing so, we're liberating people to live their best (sex) lives. Let’s do it.
Talking about sex may not always be easy, but if you don't talk about it, you could be missing out. I don't just mean talking to your partner, but also discussing sex with your friends. After all, you talk about everything else with your best friend, so sex is probably a natural topic of conversation that comes up. If it's not, you can always make it one. Knowledge is power! And, the more sex tips you can get, and from people you know and trust, the better.
"Having some friends to talk about your life with, including your sex life, is important," Rachel Needle, Psy.D., licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist in West Palm Beach, Florida, tells Bustle. "Talking about your sex life with some friends can help bring you closer together, ask questions and learn from each other, and build trust. In addition, you can exchange sex tips with each other and perhaps be open to trying new things, as long as you feel comfortable and safe doing so."
If you don't talk about certain stigmatized topics like sex, you may be limiting yourself — and your sex life — more than you realize. If you want to hear some ideas that have worked for other women, read on as millennial women share the best sex tip they learned from their best friends.
"My best friend's tip was to think of the song 'Talk Dirty to Me,' and she was right. She told me how sex isn't just physical and non-verbal — you should add talking, too. Talking dirty may seem awkward at first, but once you do it and practice it, it gets less awkward, and your partner will also get into it. Plus, you don't have to make a big thing of it. You can just try it with your partner, saying something 'dirty,' and then they'll do it, too."
"Don't settle for standard sex. I was raised in a conservative house, and I guess the first few guys I was with were conservative, too, because they only tried the missionary position — and I never suggested other positions either. But when I found out my friends were doing all these other positions, it REALLY changed everything.
"My best friend taught me to talk to my partner. Talk about what you each like. If you don't, you'll never know, and your sex life will suffer as a result. Plus, talking about sex will get you in the mood."
"Porn! I used to think it was just a 'guy thing'. But my best friend was talking about it one night, how she and her boyfriend had watched something online. I told her I would never. But she said she hoped I'd change my mind. So I brought up porn with my boyfriend — he'd never watched it with a girlfriend either! So we watched that night, and we barely got through watching it without ripping each other's clothes off. It's a great form of foreplay."
"My best friend gave me a vibrator for my 30th birthday. At first, I thought it was a joke, but she said to try it in the bedroom with my boyfriend. I was hesitant at first, but it's really added to our sex life!"
"My friend was into dressing up for her girlfriend — after Halloween, she'd stock up on cute costumes. One year, I shopped with her and got a nurse outfit and took it home to my boyfriend, and now I have a whole 'dress up' section in my closet."
"Try sexting. I know this may be tough while at work, but it's changed my sex life around. Believe me, I was never a sexter, but my friend swore by it and told me to try it, so I did! Even during my lunch break, or maybe the hour or so after work before meeting my boyfriend for dinner, I'll start sending him sexts — and all of the sudden, in the middle of regular texts. By the time I see my boyfriend, he'll be so amped up to have sex — but we still have our date to get through, of course, like dinner, and a comedy club, or whatever we had planned. So by the time we do get home, the sex is amazing because we had so much typed and mental build-up."
"My best friend and I talk about everything, including sex. She encouraged me to try new positions and places to have sex with my boyfriend, and it makes us look forward to sex and not just treat it like it's part of our dating routine. So, sure, we'll still use our bed for sex, but we'll also use the kitchen table… or the shower… or the garage. Variety is key!"
"Eye contact! For the first few years of my sex life, I avoided making eye contact with the guy, whether he was my boyfriend or a fling. Making eye contact is tough and so intimate. But, my best friend said it helps connect her to her sexual partners, and then the whole experience is better physically, she said. I tried it! She was right! Even if the person is not a significant other, it does make the whole experience more meaningful. You can also see if your partner looks you in the eye back. I'm telling you, it's not easy. But when they look back, it's amazing, and you'll be even more connected (even if it's just for that night/those weeks/those months)."
"Toys! My best friend and I have a million things in common — except for when it comes to sex. She is way more adventurous than I am. One night over too much wine, as she was looking for a book to loan me, a bunch of sex toys slipped off her shelf. She thought nothing of it (I was the embarrassed one!). But that night was a game-changer. She explained them all, and sex toys add a lot to your experience with someone, since there's only so much we can do with our bodies without them."
"For years, I wondered why my sex life was just OK, but not often out-of-this-world (the kind you hear other people talk about). Then I had a heart-to-heart with my best friend. She started opening up about her sex life and how she was having the best sex she's ever had, because she actually cares about the guy and he shows her he cares about her. She gave an example how he'll bring her her favorite snacks if she has a late night at work or have her favorite flowers waiting for her when she gets home (they don’t even live together!). After that talk with her, I started to pay attention to how guys made me feel emotionally before I focused on how they made me feel physically. It makes all the difference."
"My best friend told me to make sure to still have makeout sessions with my husband, not just kissing that leads to sex. I always thought one just was fun and led to the other. But random makeout sessions have really helped, and many don't lead to sex until way later in the day or the next day. But it helps us stay connected."
"If you're going to try anal, do it after an orgasm."
"Never do anal! Ouuuuch! Also, I find a lot of men just want to do it for their pleasure, not ours."
"I find the best sex tip is talking. If you only have the bedroom in common, it'll be hard to truly connect with each other."
There you have it — first-hand sex tips from people's best friends. So the next time you want to add something new to your sex life, keep the ones that sound interesting to you (and your own friends' tips) in mind, and your sex life may never be the same again.