My Boyfriend Said He’d Propose "Soon," But That Was A Year Ago

Q: I've been with my boyfriend for over six years now. Things are wonderful: We live together (with our cat), we spend time with each other's families, we just moved to a new city together. But people have started to ask when we're going to get married, and I have to admit, to my embarrassment, I kind of wonder the same thing. We have talked about getting engaged, and he wants that too, and has said it will happen soon, but that was almost a year ago. I don't know what "soon" means to him at this point!

I'm ready for the next step. I don't want to think I'm comparing myself with other people, and I've never pushed a timeline, but I do think going to a few friends' weddings this last year made me really get excited about the idea of us getting married. I feel like it could happen soon, around my birthday, because my sisters will be visiting and I’d love them to be there when we get engaged. But I also don’t want to be disappointed on my birthday if it doesn’t happen! We are very, very happy right now, so why can't I let this go? At least for now!

A: Please let go of your embarrassment around wanting to get married. Let go of what it says about you. The world withholds social and economic benefits from women for not marrying and then shames us for wanting to marry.

There are lots of wonderful reasons to want to get married: feeling more secure and committed, combining finances, the legal protections it provides, or simply because it’s a good excuse to have a big party with your loved ones! Why wouldn't you be excited for those things?

You “can’t let it go” because it’s a fun thing you’re looking forward to! If someone was like, why can’t I let go of thinking about my upcoming trip to Aruba? I would be like... babe, do not let go of that.

Corny alert, but I would try to appreciate this time as much as you can. Enjoy the anticipation, savor not knowing. To me, Christmas Eve has always been more fun than Christmas because it’s about the longing and the possibility of what the next day might bring.

In the meantime, I encourage you to consider what your ideal marriage looks like. What parts of that do you already have with your boyfriend? Try to cherish what you already have: the care, the teamwork, the families you’re becoming part of. He is clearly on board and in love with you, he’s just being a little unclear about the timeline.

Ultimately, the decision on when to get married should be made together. It’s not yours to unilaterally make nor is it his! But the proposal part? That’s a little harder. If you’ve decided he’ll be proposing, not you (a 2022 study found that 2% of straight women have proposed to men), that requires some information asymmetry.

I’m going to recommend a Light Touch Talk about this. I don’t want you to ruin any surprises (if you want to be surprised), but I also want you to get a little more clarity.

I would say something like this, “Hey, I know we’ve talked about getting engaged, and I don’t want to know when it’s coming, but I realized I don’t know what you’re thinking about the timeline. I’ve been assuming that it might happen in the next [month, six months, year, etc.] and want to make sure I’m not wildly off.”

Please keep in mind that a lot of people have reasons to want to propose later rather than sooner. Many cite financial reasons — they want to wait until they make $X or finish paying off Y. He might be secretly planning something for the near future. Maybe the idea of proposing in front of your family freaks him out and he’d rather do something private.

I don’t know when it will happen and you don’t either! But if you want it to be a surprise, this is how it happens.

If you don’t want a surprise, tell him (do not hint!) exactly what you envision. Voicing your desires isn’t needy or pathetic or sad. It’s clear, loving communication — the exact foundation on which a lasting relationship should be built.

If someone was like, why can’t I let go of thinking about my upcoming trip to Aruba? I would be like... babe, do not let go of that.

And if you don’t get engaged around your birthday, it’s OK to be privately disappointed about it. I strongly suggest making a deal with yourself that if it doesn’t happen, you take yourself out for a manicure, ice cream, or other nice treat. Don’t wallow and don’t let it come in between you and your boyfriend, but also don’t beat yourself up for feeling sad.

The day will come and it will be wonderful. If it doesn’t happen soon, it doesn’t mean you’re loved any less. Getting married isn’t a marker of your worth, and neither is the length of time you date before it happens. You’re together now and you will be in the future. That’s the good stuff!

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