Unless you're immune to self-doubt or a bit of a jerk, then you probably care about being good in bed, and that's actually awesome of you. In fact, caring about whether or not the sex you're having is good for everyone involved is one of the biggest indicators that you are, in fact, great in bed. That said, I know from experience that simply worrying about your sexual prowess isn't enough to make you feel like a mind-blowing sexual partner.
Personally, I've had sex more times than I can even count at this point, and I still feel like I could be way better in bed. Here's the thing, though: there are actually lots of ways to know if you're good in bed that have nothing to do with how vocal your partners are, what your sex number is, how many positions you've mastered, or how many times you've helped bring your partners to orgasm. In fact, Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, and psychotherapist specializing in intimacy, sex, and relationships tells Bustle that being a good lover often has little to do with technical skill. "I’m a sex therapist, and can assure you it isn’t in your technique but in your attitude," Rapini says.
If you care about making your partner feel good, you're up for trying new things, and you value your own sexual needs, then rest assured that you're probably pretty fun to bang. If you're still not convinced that you're good at sex, however, then read on. Here are eight little indicators that you're good in bed.
1. You're Not Freaked Out By Eye Contact
I'm not suggesting you're bad at sex if you don't hold constant eye contact with your sexual partners. Honestly, I think that would be a bit intense for most people, especially shy folks. But if eye contact weirds you out so much during sex that you avoid it like the plague, then I have some bad news: According to sex therapist Mary Jo Rapini, and possibly every woman ever, some eye contact is crucial to good sex. "A great lover makes you feel as though you’re 'escaping' your worries and totally engaged with them. Engagement with eye contact, the way you touch them, and slowing down helps build excitement, making climax easy to achieve," Rapini tells Bustle.
2. You're A Coffee-Drinker
Well, that was easy. As Shape reports, caffeine can magnify sexual arousal, particularly in women. In a recent study conducted on female rats, the caffeinated, female rats were more motivated to seek out sex than the uncaffeinated animals were. OK, so, maybe this doesn't mean you're better in bed, per se, but it definitely seems to indicate you might be more enthusiastic — which often makes you better in bed.
Women's Health also reported back in 2006 that drinking coffee can make women horny, because caffeine increases blood flow to the genitals. Impressively, this doesn't just apply to daily coffee drinkers, either. Research suggests that even women who only drink coffee once a week will have higher sex drives than women who avoid the stuff completely. So if you're a lady who chugs coffee like a Gilmore girl, then you're probably more fun in the sack than you might have thought.
If you're a dude, however, drinking coffee could give you more than just a sexual energy boost. Back in 2015, Independent reported that men who drink just two cups of coffee a day are 42 percent less likely to deal with erectile dysfunction, according to a University of Texas study. Another study, which looked at over 4,000 men and was reported on in the scientific journal PLOS ONE, also found that caffeine boosts male performance in the bedroom.
3. You Masturbate Regularly
Even when I'm feeling super lazy, I try to masturbate at least once a day, because masturbating is actually really good for you. As The Huffington Post reported back in 2015, it may be women especially who should be masturbating on the regular. Masturbating can ease menstrual cramps and other body aches, it helps with anxiety and depression, and it's a great way to become more comfortable with your body, too. On top of all of that, masturbating regularly positively impacts women's sex lives, because all that self-love makes us more confident and vocal in bed. It's an indicator you know and love your own body and sexuality — and everyone knows that makes you better in bed.
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4. You're Down With Sex Toys & Lube
Personally, I think sex toys are fun as hell and I can't praise lube enough. To be clear, though, if you don't bust out your butt plug and a bottle of lube the first time you have sex with a new partner, that doesn't make you bad at sex. If your partner really wants to use sex toys, though, and you get weird about it, that's not good — because being good at sex means caring about your partner's pleasure.
Yes, it's sometimes really fun to get to know a new partner sexually without toys, but toys can make sex more playful and fun, and this is especially important for longterm couples. As Rapini tells Bustle, "The most amazing lovers focus on pleasing their partner as well as themselves, making sex 'playtime,' keeping sex fun. Using fun toys and lubricants to enhance pleasure and spark excitement in the bedroom."
5. You Love Being Naked
People who love to be naked are more comfortable with their bodies, so if you love being naked, chances are you're also more confident in bed. As Mic put it back in 2015, "Insecurity over one's body has been shown to directly impact sexual satisfaction, something anyone who's ever rushed to shut off the lights before stripping down knows all too well."
Additionally, if you sleep next to your partner, and you both sleep in the nude, all that skin-on-skin contact should work to improve your sex life. Evidently, skin-on-skin contact releases the "love hormone" oxytocin, which stimulates arousal and might even enhance orgasms. Talk about a win-win!
6. You're A Wino
If your first order of business after a long workday is to throw back a couple glasses of wine, then I have fantastic news: NY Daily News reports that women who drink two glasses of wine every day have better sex than women who don't. In a survey of 800 women between the ages of 18 and 50, the University of Florence found that women who drink at least two glasses of wine a day "scored an average of 27.3 points out of a possible 36 on the satisfaction scale, while those who stopped at one glass scored a 25.9 average. Non-drinkers averaged a 24.4."
Of course, where partnered sex is concerned, sexual satisfaction for one does not equal sexual satisfaction for all. (All my ladies who have been left high and quite literally dry by f*ckboys, can I get an amen?) That said, since it's no secret that you can't exactly wow your sexual partners if you yourself aren't having a good time, it stands to reason that if wine-drinking women are reporting increased sexual satisfaction, then they're probably pretty fun to spend the night with. So drink up, ladies! (But not too much, because overdoing it on booze can make orgasm harder to achieve.)
7. You're Passionate About Politics
While I wish there were no universe in which discussing Donald Trump's candidacy is considered foreplay, according to Match's 2016 Singles in America study, people who care about politics have better sex — and this remains true regardless of your chosen political affiliations. So whether you're a Trumpster, you stand with Hillary, or you've been feeling the Bern for some time, the fact that you care about politics at all makes you better in bed. Match reports that singles who are passionate about politics and political issues have more orgasms, and they're more likely to have threesomes and explore open relationships, too. I guess passion is passion.
8. Your Partners Tell You You're Good In Bed
When I asked Rapini how to tell if you're good in bed, one of the first things she said was this: "You won’t have to wonder — because your partner will tell you all the time." Obviously, she's got a point. If you're in a relationship, and your partner never tells you you're a great lay, you might not be so great in bed.
Speaking from experience, though, just because someone doesn't shower you with positive affirmations every time you have sex with them doesn't mean they don't think you're good in bed. My current dude is very good at sex; he always makes me feel seen, and I never doubt that my needs matter to him — but I don't think I've actually told him any of this in a while. So, when in doubt, don't be afraid to ask. Or, for that matter, give praise where praise is due.
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