The *Real* Awards Celebs Won Last Night

Pat yourselves on the back, America: because you've done it. You made it through the end of the 2013/2014 awards season. Congratulations! Because as of right now, the 2014 Oscars are over at last, and the fanciest celebrities of the year have trickled of the Dolby Theater and over to the Roosevelt Hotel to party on Robert DeNiro's dime, before ending the night dancing away their cares at the Vanity Fair soiree.

And now it's time that we put all our snark aside and reflect on the superlative moments of the evening. And we're not just talking about Ellen's jab at Liza Minnelli, Jared Leto falling in love with June Squibb, Jennifer Lawrence falling (again) because of course, Kristen Bell's purse burrito, Jimmy Kimmel's awkward sketch, the return of The Hat, Benedict Cumberbatch's LupitaTears, and the World's Most Historical Selfie. No, no, no: we're talking about moments big and small, embarrassing and amazing, and anything random in between.

Because while it's all fun and games for the 3952943 people sitting in a room clapping for nearly 4 hours, for those of us on the front e-lines, it's work. Let's take a look at who "won" what last night:

Sparkliest Bellhop: Ellen Degeneres

Most Likely to Shame Taylor Swift in a Dance-Off: It's a Tie Between Meryl...

And Lupita!

Most Likely to Hear "You Can't Sit With Us!" at the Oscars: Liza Minnelli

Cutest QT: June Squibb

Most Enthused: Harrison Ford

Most Likely to Reveal Themselves to be Living Kewpie Dolls: Joseph Gordon-Levitt & Emma Watson

Worst Use of a Frank Underwood Moment: The 2014 Oscars

Loudest: Darlene Love

Best True Detective Season 2 Casting: Leto & Squibb

SELFIEST SELFIEISH SELFIE TO EVER SELFIE IN THE HISTORY OF SELFIE #SELFIE: The Ellen selfie

BEST: Lupita Nyong'o

Bill Murrayist: Bill Murray

Most Confused: John Travolta

Cumberbounciest: Benedict Cumberbatch

Daddiest: Brad Pitt (a.k.a. DAD PITT)

Most Likely to Be Feeling Alright Alright Alright: McConaughey

So here's to movies, America. And we'll see you back here... this fall when the cycle starts all over again.

Image: Samantha Rullo/Bustle [4]; The Cut [1]; MTV/Tumblr [1]; mattsgifs/Tumblr [1]; francisft/Tumblr [1]