Even if you’re not into some BDSM role play, sometimes you just want to take control in the bedroom. Whether it’s because you had a bad day at work, your phone was shut off because you forgot to pay the bill, or your sexual appetite wants to taste something else for a change, sometimes you just want to walk into the bedroom, push your partner back on the bed, and tell them, ever so seductively, “I’m in charge in bed tonight.” Even if you’ve been submissive in bed your whole life, sometimes something clicks, and suddenly only being on top will do.
"Perhaps the easiest way to introduce the idea of dominating your partner is to simply tell them, 'I’m going to be the one in control tonight,'" Vanessa Marin, sex therapist, writes for Bustle. "You can do this in the moment itself, then take control. Or you can introduce the idea when your partner is being the dominant one, by saying something like, 'you’re in control tonight babe, but I’ve got a surprise coming for you tomorrow night.'"
When it does come time to taking charge in the bedroom, you need the positions to go with it. Want to take over as captain of the ship tonight? Here are nine sex positions that will put you in charge.
1. In A Chair
How to do it: First, have the partner who has a penis or strap-on sit in a chair. Next, the person with the vagina straddles them and tells them they're about to take them for the ride of their life. Or maybe some dirty talk that’s a bit more eloquent.
Why it’s a take-charge position: With your partner in the chair and you on top, you’re in control. You get to tease, seduce, taunt, give them a lap dance, or just get down to business.
2. The Ankle Choker
How to do it: For this one, the person with the vulva should lay on their back, then have their partner with a penis or strap-on get on their knees. From here, they're going to lift the hips of the partner laying down just high enough to penetrate them. The partner being lifted can put their ankles on either side of their partner's neck and head.
Why it’s a take-charge position: While your partner is in control of the bottom half of your body in regards to how deep they can thrust, you’re in control with your ankles. With a squeeze of your ankles against them in a sexy chokehold sort of way, you’re actually at the helm of the situation. You can give your partner direction in how you want them to have sex with you, but if they don’t follow, then they get the ankle choker. It’s a playful way to experiment with a bit of power, without totally going BDSM, if you’re not ready for that.
3. Sideways Straddle
How to do it: Have the partner with the penis or strap-on lie down, with one leg bent. Then the person with the vulva is to straddle that one leg (facing away) while lowering themselves onto them. This particular position does wonders for clitoral stimulation as the person with the vulva can rub against the bent leg while enjoying the penetrative aspect, too. This position also works without penetration, if that's your jam.
Why it’s a take-charge position: You are completely in control of your orgasm. You decide when and how you’re going to orgasm. If you want to orgasm before your partner, then that power is in the palm of your hand.
4. Person With A Vulva On Top
How to do it: As the name suggests, whoever is doing the "charging" gets on top and goes for it.
Why it’s a take-charge position: Well, you’re doing “your thing,” so that definitely means taking charge. There’s also the fact that, similar to the sideways straddle, you're completely in control of your orgasm and your partner's orgasm. That’s a whole boatload of being in charge and then some.
5. Seated Oral
How to do it: The person in charge sits down in a chair, spreading their legs wide enough so their partner can get in between their thighs and give them some proper oral.
Why it’s a take-charge position: With you in a chair and your partner on their knees pleasing you, you’re definitely the boss. As someone who’s not really into receiving oral sex, I actually love this position because I am in charge and I can pull my partner in closer or push them away, making them beg for more. Again, it’s a totally hot game of who has more power.
6. Reverse Person On Top
How to do it: It’s just like person on top, but in this equation the person on top is going to be facing towards their partner's feet. This allows for super deep penetration.
Why it’s a take-charge position: You’re on top, which immediately gives you the most control. You’re also facing away from your partner, so there’s a level of teasing going on as you give them quite a show of your backside. The combination of being on top and being able to tease, because you know the position is irresistible, is intoxicating. You may never want to play the submissive role again.
7. The Lotus
How to do it: Have the partner with the penis or strap-on sit cross-legged, then the person with the vagina straddles them, lowering themselves down onto the shaft. From here, the person on top wraps their legs and arms around their partner.
Why it’s a take-charge position: Because your partner has you in their lap, you get to wiggle, gyrate, and grind however you want. The lotus position is also really great for building intimacy, because you’re so physically close and having charge over that intimacy can make things even more intense. It’s also, just for the record, considered a sex position that’s very good for your health.
8. Mutual Masturbation
How to do it: Pick a place where both partners will be comfy, then each one pretty much just starts going to town on their own genitals. Add in as much eye contact or skin contact as you like.
Why it’s a take-charge position: For starters, every time you masturbate, you’re embracing your sexuality and, in doing so, have control over it. Secondly, when you and your partner engage in mutual masturbation, you can take the role of telling your partner what you want to see them do — and vice versa, of course.
9. Bouncing Reverse Cowperson
How to do it: Have the partner with the penis or strap-on lay flat on their back with their legs straight out. Next, the person with the vulva lowers themselves onto them. While keeping their legs slightly bent, the person with the vulva begins to bounce or grind on their partner. Don’t forget that penises can be fractured (and some dildos can break too!), so make sure both partners are communicating to avoid this.
Why it’s a take-charge situation: You’re giving your partner pleasure on your terms, while pleasuring yourself. Win-win.
This post was originally published on September 12, 2016. It was updated on August 21, 2019.