11 Subtle Ways To Tell If Someone Is Good In Bed, According To Experts

Whether you’re looking for a quick hookup or a long-lasting love, it never hurts to keep an eye out for subtle signs someone will be good in bed. There are some very obvious tells, like steamy, penetrating eye contact, but it’s often the more low-key moments that reveal what someone’s truly all about.

In many ways, you can tell if someone’s a great lay simply by hanging out with them and observing what they do. This can come in clutch if you’re chatting with your crush at a party and wondering what they might be like in bed, or if you’re on a first date and curious about where the evening might take you.

Of course, what counts as “good in bed” is subjective. Some people like a soft, slow hookup. Others prefer a bit more pizzazz or creativity. “But in general, people tend to define it as someone present, generous, and enthusiastic,” says Leigh Norén, a sex and relationship therapist and social worker. “They care about your pleasure and they seem to be enjoying themselves.”

What makes for bad sex? “Disconnection,” says Dr. Emma Smith, PhD, LMFT, CST, a certified sex therapist. “When someone’s in their own head, focused on how they look, or rushing toward their own finish line, it cuts off real connection. Bad sex often has less to do with inexperience and more to do with missing the moment — or the other person.”

Here are 11 subtle yet telltale signs that someone will be good in bed, according to relationship experts.

They’re Really Into Their Dinner

Is your date wowed by a lengthy mozzarella stick cheese pull? Do they close their eyes while slurping a spoonful of French onion soup? If so, you’re in luck. According to Erin Pash, MA, LMFT, a therapist and host of the Platonic Lovers Podcast, how someone eats can be a spicy little sign that they’re about to knock your socks off in bed.

“People who savor food — taking time to appreciate flavors and textures rather than rushing — often bring the same mindful attention to physical intimacy,” she tells Bustle. Bonus points if they like to cook or if they get really excited at the farmer’s market.

They Take An Interest In Your Interests

How many times have you been on a date with someone who was undeniably hot, but who also only talked about themselves? If you bothered to hook up later, you might have noticed that they were equally inattentive in bed.

This is why you should prioritize people who ask follow-up questions during conversations, as well as anyone who expertly remembers subtle details that you shared about your life, even weeks later.

“In general, someone who seems to care about you and is genuinely interested in you is often a sign that they will be the same in bed,” says Norén. “This kind of care and interest might mean that they care and are interested in pleasing you and finding out what your sexual likes and dislikes are.”

They Want You To Be Comfortable On Your Date

Take it as a good sign if your date seems concerned about your comfort, like even more so than what would be considered polite. Do they take the seat under the chilly vent at the restaurant? Do they apologize if they ask a prying question? Do they check in to see if you want a second round of drinks? If so, get ready to be wowed.

According to Norén, someone who wants to make you comfortable will likely be in tune with you during sex, too. They’ll check in often, make sure you’re having a good time, and adjust as needed — all hallmarks of amazing sex.

They Let Loose & Have A Good Time

Take note if your crush is impossible to embarrass. “Someone who is comfortable in their own skin — without being arrogant — can also be a tell-tale sign,” says Norén. It might mean they sing extra loud at karaoke, laugh it off when they trip over their own feet, or grab your hand and ask for a dance, even though everyone’s watching.

“With more freedom and [comfort], you're likelier to be open to trying things sexually, which is often part of what makes us feel someone is good in bed,” she says. They don’t even have to be good at dancing. According to Pash, it’s more about their comfort in their body and willingness to get up close and personal that translates well.

They Don’t Get Mad When Plans Change

Let’s say you go to a restaurant and find out your RSVP didn’t go through, or you plan a walk through the park, and then the skies open up and it rains. Take note of how your date reacts. Do they find humor in the situation? Is it easy for them to find something else that’s fun to do? Do they grab your hand and laugh while you both get soaked?

“Playfulness is sexy,” says Smith. “If they can laugh at themselves or stay lighthearted when plans change, they’re probably good at creating low-pressure, fun energy between the sheets.” On top of that, it’s a good sign if they stay calm, too, even if they’re secretly stressed.

“Someone who can acknowledge difficult feelings without being overwhelmed by them has developed the emotional foundation for vulnerable connection,” adds Pash.

They Communicate Clearly

If your date says they’d love to meet up on Friday, do they name a time and a place, and then they actually stick with it? If so, it all points to the fact that they’re an excellent lay. It shows they’re not only serious about hanging out, but are also good communicators both in and out of the bedroom.

Their ability to relay ideas and make plans can also be noticeable in other ways, so keep an eye out. “Someone who can say what they want on a menu or name what they’re into when making plans is more likely to communicate needs, preferences, and boundaries in intimate moments,” says Smith. Of course, that level of confidence is super hot, too.

They Reply Quickly

While you might think it’s a good sign if your crush texts back quickly, assuming it means they’ll be equally eager and attentive in bed, Smith says you should actually look for a nice balance of attention.

In other words? “They’re responsive, but not performative,” she says. “Quick texting isn’t the point — it’s how they respond. Are they engaged without being overbearing? Attentive but not controlling? That balance is gold in bed.”

They Have Unique Interests

While none of these subtle signs guarantee someone will be good in the sack, they do hint at some potential because of what they represent. For example, someone who has a lot of curiosity about life might bring that same curious mindset to the bedroom where they want to try new things and figure you out. “Curiosity is an underrated green flag,” says Smith. If your Hinge date has unique interests in music, books, and hobbies, it could be a good sign they’ll be just as complex and devoted in bed.

They’re OK With Silence

While you might think it’s a bad sign if a date goes silent at the bar for a few minutes, it could actually be a subtle hint that they’re amazing in bed. “Those who don't feel compelled to fill every quiet moment often have the patience required for truly connecting physically,” says Pash.

It could also be a subtle clue that something spicy is smoldering beneath the surface. Maybe when you both fall silent, it’s because you’re staring into each other’s eyes or feeling an electric exchange between you. Ooo la la.

They Have Active Hands

It goes without saying that someone who plays the piano or the guitar is hot simply because they’re talented and devoted, but according to Pash, anyone who has expressive, active hands may also be good at getting you off.

“People who use their hands expressively and with precision — musicians, artists, chefs — often bring that tactile intelligence to intimate touch,” she says. All the more reasons to ask about their hobbies on a first date.

They’re Generous

“Those who derive genuine pleasure from giving — not to manipulate, but from authentic generosity — often approach physical intimacy with the same giving mindset,” says Pash. So keep an eye out for a potential partner who’s generous with their time, money, and attention. Chances are they’ll be really good in bed, too.

Sources:

Leigh Norén, sex and relationship therapist, social worker with a Master of Science in Sexology

Dr. Emma Smith, PhD, LMFT, CST, certified sex therapist

Erin Pash, MA, LMFT, therapist, host of Platonic Lovers Podcast