Adam Levine's Hair Ruins 'The Voice,' Though Pharrell and Gwen Stefani Try to Save It

The top eight's performances on Monday night made The Voice voter’s job the opposite of smooth sailing (rough waters, I reckon?). If I had to choose the evening's standouts, I'd start with Josh Kaufman’s “I Can’t Make You Love Me.” It wrecked me. A close second was Sisaundra Lewis' "River Deep, Mountain High." It had Shak wanting to enroll in the School of Sisaundra Lewis because she "could show the four [coaches] how it's done." (Also? That moment with Sisaundra's mom. Oof, my heart.)

Yes, those are my top picks from the episode, but they weren't easy picks. All eight are, as I've pointed out time and time again, phenomenal singers. Kristen Merlin’s “I Drive Your Truck” was, as Shakira said, “transcendent.” Kat Perkins' high energy Muse-y arrangement of "Get Lucky" and awesome mic stand toss had the crowd literally jumping. Christina Grimmie belted her face off while singing "How To Love." Atta girl, Christina! Devlin Choice singing "I Believe I Can Fly" was not flawless, but it gave me goosebumps. Audra McLaughlin's "Forgive" didn't slay me like last week's "You Lie," but she still sounded lovely. Jake Worthington's "Hillbilly Deluxe" was fun, but — and I hate to say this because Jake is such a delight — it was not his strongest.

Monday night, we also saw Adam Levine’s new hair in action. It is, as his selfie would lead you to believe, very blonde.

As someone who used to bleach her hair, I couldn’t stop wondering if his freshly peroxided scalp itched. Every time the camera cut to Adam, I compulsively scratched at my own scalp. Hey, Adam? If you’re reading this? Coconut oil does wonders. It’ll soothe irritation and combat the dryness. AND! It'll make your hair smell like a Samoa cookie. You don't have to thank me, Adam. Your beauty is all the thanks I need.

Adam said his mom doesn’t like his new ‘do. (Womp womp.) He also said that this hair makes him feel like a futuristic cyborg. (Beep boop.) And yes, the other coaches (namely Blake Shelton) had plenty o' jokes. After spending the first three minutes of air time talking about the Maroon 5 singer's locks, host Carson Daly looked into the camera and said, “More of this! We’ve got an hour and 57 minutes coming up.” Never change, Carson.

According to The Voice coaches and viewers (g'bless you, Twitter), Adam's hair looks like:

  • Bruce Willis’s character from The Fifth Element
  • Meg Ryan
  • Miley Cyrus
  • Kristen Merlin
  • Eminem
  • Draco Malfoy
  • Billy Idol
  • Susan Powter

...and so on. When my hair was at its blondest, I only heard three of those. I am so disappointed I was never called Korben Dallas. Hey, Usher? If you're reading this? Know that I laughed the hardest at that Fifth Element reference. Thank you forever and always for that one.

Hoda Kotb popped by the Sprint Skybox (I guess she and Kathie Lee Gifford are in town? Gosh, it's been a while since I've watched The Today Show. I should remedy that ASAP), and she and Carson gabbed about her crush on Blake. Carson asked if she’d still have feelings for him if he dyed his hair like Adam’s. She said no. WICKED HARSH, HODA.

Other than Josh's performance and Adam's coif, the other highlight (ha) of the night: The future coaches' performances! I love Gwen Stefani. I love Pharrell. I love "Hollaback Girl." I love "Come Get It Bae." I love high energy performances. I love back up dancers. While Blake and Gwen Sebastian did a nice job, "Hollaback Girl" and "Come Get It Bae" were more my speed.

This is what I am all about:

As is this:

TUESDAY NIGHT: THREE OF OUR LOVELY CONTESTANTS WILL BE ELIMINATED. THAT'S RIGHT. THREE. TUESDAY NIGHT IS GOING TO BE A ROUGH NIGHT.

Image: Trae Patton/NBC