Tom Hiddleston Has Been Single For Way Too Long, So We Matched Him Up With A Few Celebrities
I know we've discussed this before, but I'll say it again: it seems utterly crazy that Tom Hiddleston is single. He's such a handsome, gentlemanly, thoughtful, intelligent creature that it's about time that we set him up with someone worthy of him. I thought it over, and he probably needs someone mature and romantic, who is passionate about poetry and literature but still fun-loving and adventurous. Anyway, I decided to pair him up with a bunch of 25-year-old A-List celebrities instead.
Yeah, why not? I think everyone's collective dating history has a few wildcards, and, generally speaking, I think he needs to play the field some more. After all, he's only been in like... one and a half confirmed relationships since 2008, and there are seemingly no prospects on the horizon. Unless he's going to pull a Joseph Gordon-Levitt and get married to some random robotics genius one day. But I don't think my heart can handle that again.
So I took the liberty of weaving a fun dating web, a little story about what would go down if Hiddleston got tangled with some of Hollywood's elite. Maybe you'll disagree with these verdicts, or maybe you think that you are, in fact, the perfect woman for him. Well, if you want to make that happen, all you need is Photoshop and a dream.
Tom and Emma met at Comic Con. He, decked out as Loki for a grandiose performance at a Marvel panel. She, dressed as Harley Quinn, because she's not actually involved in Comic Con proceedings and is frankly pretty pissed that Gwen Stacey got killed off so early in the Spiderman reboot. I mean, whatever, it doesn't matter, can't a girl dress like Harley Quinn if she wants to? Anyway.
The two got to talking about being so gosh darn likable and met for drinks after the show. They went out a few times and became very close, but ultimately ended it soon enough to actually retain a lasting friendship. It wasn't anything personal, but Emma was still pining for Andrew Garfield, not ready to move on from their break. After sadly confessing this at a cafe in Greenwich Village, Tom took her face in his hands, stared into her gigantic, buglike eyes, and said, "Go follow your heart." She'll always be grateful for that.
And, incidentallym after all was said and done, she asked if she could pass on his number to a friend who thought he was cute. Which leads us to this fun story...
Maybe the timing was just wrong. Taylor was just getting out of her Single and Boy-Free phase, and it wasn't that Tom treated her bad. In fact, there was nothing there to complain about; he was polite, intelligent, and he always opened the door for her. But those aren't the kind of things you write songs about. Except for "The Way I Love You." Regardless, it wasn't working out.
Technically she didn't even break up with him in person. She sent him a box of Belgium chocolates and a personalized handwritten note beginning, with, "I just want you to know what an amazing, radiant person I think you are, and seeing you act is just so inspiring me." Not wanting to be rude, he sent her a bouquet of lilies and his own handwritten note, complete with a personalized "TH" wax seal, speaking earnestly of her kindness and generosity. And then she, kind of miffed by this gesture, sent him another Thank You note with a box of puppies. And then he sent her a note thanking her for thanking him, delivered on a unicorn. And then she paid for his student loans...
It got a bit passive-agressive toward the end there, and rumor has it that the new hit single "Smothered With Love" may be about him. But don't cry for Tom, this was only the beginning.
Tom felt good about this initially. Finally, someone closer to his age, you know? But it wasn't so simple. Although Katie was pretty and placid and pleasant, she would always wake him up in the middle of the night with frequent night terrors. "HAIL XENU, HAIL XENU!" She would scream, thrashing about in her bed. That, and the dead-eyed gaze she would get from time to time when he would suggest that they watch E.T. or 3rd Rock From the Sun, was more than a bit concerning. Although he tried his best to calm her post-traumatic issues, this ultimately was the job for a therapist, not a boyfriend.
He DID pull a Mary Poppins on Suri, though, turning her from a mini Blair Waldorf to an angelic little girl. He remains a stable father figure in her life, and will one day walk her down the aisle. Mark my words.
J. Law and T. Hids, together at last. One day they're talking about the endlessness of franchises, the next they're in a tumultuous love affair, mainly revolving around J. Law's love of junk food. So many of their outings are just pictures of them at In-And-Out. So many.
Ultimately, though, it was Tom's first love that broke them apart. One day he was coming home, a Shakespearean sonnet in his hands so he could recite it to his beloved, and he found J. Law in bed with a deep dish pizza. "I'm, like, so sorry dude, that's totally my bad," said the mozzarella harlot. The pain was too much to handle.
After J. Law and Bradley Cooper broke up with them, respectively, it just felt right. Theirs is a love like no other.
Images: Getty/Mary Grace Garis (5)