I Made New Year's Resolutions For People Who Actually Need Them

Happy New Year! The start of the year is when we resolve to change, but this means it can actually be a very isolating time for those of us who are already nearly perfect. Personally, I don’t need to make any New Year’s resolutions — I flossed 80% of the last two nights. This isn’t to say I haven’t noticed quite a few others who might benefit from a bit of progress. As such, I’ve written out a list of New Year’s resolutions for other people:

Ticketmaster: Resolve to respect great musical talent next time they deign to use your site. And to sell me any remaining Taylor Swift tickets as soon as you find them.

Florence Pugh: Resolve to be in at least most movies, since you universally improve them.

Mark Zuckerberg: Resolve to stop pushing Reels. We don’t need them; we already have TikTok.

Addison Rae: Resolve to teach me how to do my eyeshadow like yours.

The United States government: Resolve to do far more, but quietly. I want to feel the improvements, but I definitely don’t want to hear from you.

The fashion industry: Resolve to keep a few pairs of high-rise jeans in stock, even just one or two in a corner away from all the low-rise jeans. Please, I am begging you.

My landlord: Resolve to give me a rent decrease in return for me being a very, very, very good tenant. I’ve only gotten locked out four times this year — down from nine in 2021! And have I mentioned I floss? My dirty gums will not be staining your apartment.

My boss: Resolve to give me a raise. Or, at the very least, politely stay silent as I quiet-quit. And then give me a raise.

The planet: Resolve to cool down, just a little. But no pressure or anything. Take your time! Not too much time. But some, OK?

Netflix: Resolve to stop putting Love is Blind at the top of mom’s suggestions. She’s already way too eager to set me up with her friend’s nephew, and, let’s just say, love may be blind, but I am not. Besides, I’m fine on the romance side, because…

My ex-boyfriend: Resolve to apologize, rethink your actions, and then, ideally, get back together with me.

My brain: Resolve to actually reject him even if he does that. Resolve to remember that there are other men out there.

My Hinge matches: Resolve to not start conversations with, “You can’t spell ‘quarantine’ without U R A Q T.” It’s a bad line, and we’re not in quarantine anymore. (Note to self: There are men out there… just not… these ones.)

The solar system: Resolve to send me my soulmate. I’m no longer looking just on planet Earth — I’m flexible.

The universe: Resolve to make this year my year. I know, technically, I’m the one who has control over that, but I strongly feel — considering how fervently I’ve chosen to believe in astrology — that you should do it for me. I deserve it. Did you miss the part about me flossing? 80%!