9 Questions To Ask Each Other To Improve Your Sex Life
If you've been feeling like you and your partner are stuck in a rut in the bedroom, the thought of figuring out how to improve your sex life can seem super overwhelming. The good news? It's totally OK for long-term couples to fall into a sexual routine — after all, you've had plenty of time to figure out what works for you and what doesn't! But even though ~relighting the fire~ might seem daunting, it can't be denied that experimenting in bed is a fun (and hot) way to grow and connect as a couple.
"A couple's physical intimacy does not stay constant during the course of their relationship," Rhonda Milrad, LCSW, ABS Certified Clinical Sexologist & Relationship Therapist, and Founder of online relationship community Relationup, tells Bustle. "In fact, it decreases once the 'honeymoon phase' is over and the relationship becomes familiar and comfortable, and then proceeds to wax and wane. Although this may not sound sexy or glamorous, it is the natural course of relationships. Maintaining physical intimacy takes work and won’t just occur organically. If couples neglect actively working on their intimate life, it will peter out altogether."
Changes in your sex life over time are only natural, and as long as you and your partner are able to communicate about sex and are willing to work together to improve both of your sexual experiences, there's no reason to fret. If you're looking to make a few tweaks in the bedroom, here are nine sexy questions to ask your partner that can seriously improve your sex life — even if it's already hot.
1. "Do You Like It When I...?"
Want to know if what you're doing for your partner is working? All you have to do is ask! Whether it's in the heat of the moment or after the fact, having your partner confirm what does (or doesn't) feel amazing can ensure that, going forward, they feel as much pleasure as possible.
"It may be awkward for some, but it is better to be uncomfortable for a few seconds than ignorant for a lifetime," Caleb Backe, Health and Wellness Expert at Maple Holistics, tells Bustle. "You want to know if something feels good? Is your partner not telling or showing on their own? Ask."
2. "How Do You Touch Yourself?"
Even when you're in a relationship, regularly masturbating is good for your sex life. Starting a dialogue with your partner about how they bring themselves pleasure can help you learn what to do — and not do — when the two of you have sex together.
"Some may not be into answering this, seeing as how touching oneself is such a personal experience, but there are those who are willing not only to share this information, but even show you how it’s done," Backe says. "This will let you know things on a really intimate level and insanely raise your game and sensitivity, so you might as well raise the question."
3. "Who/What Do You Think About When You Masturbate?"
If you feel comfortable hearing your partner's inner fantasies (and can do so without getting jealous or insecure), asking if they mind sharing who or what they think about when they masturbate can be very revealing, and can seriously improve your partnered sex life.
"You need to be very cautious when you raise it, but when properly executed, this question can also open the door to many, many fun adventures and role play," Backe says.
4. "What Are Your Soft/Hard Limits?"
Everyone has different sexual boundaries, and it's *so* important to discuss these with your partner. You don't necessarily have to be into all the same things, but knowing where you both stand on certain acts or kinks is crucial so neither of you feels disrespected or uncomfortable during sex.
"What are your rules, and of those rules — which are you willing to bend, and which are you willing to break?" Backe asks. "Better to get this done than do something unexpectedly and kill the mood. After all, some rules were made to be broken, and when done in the heat of the moment, it can be so much hotter."
5. "What Do You Wish I Did More Of?"
For every individual, there are certain sexual sensations that feel particularly amazing — maybe it's oral, or a sensual massage, or neck kisses — so why not directly ask your partner what it is that they want more of in bed?
"Sometimes we do do something for our partner, but not enough of it," Backe says. "It can be foreplay, it can be a position, it can be a name we use, a phrase we employ, a piece of equipment. Give your partner room to talk about it, even if you are already doing it. Some things we just can’t get enough of."
6. "How Often Do You Want To Have Sex?"
Having mismatched sex drives can be a real issue for many long-term couples, but even if you're not on the exact same page, you can still have a fulfilling sex life as long as you're both willing to communicate and compromise.
"Sexual frequency is one of the most contentious issues in committed, long-term relationships and oftentimes the friction exists because we don’t clearly delineate our needs," Astroglide's Resident Sexologist, Dr. Jess, tells Bustle. "Quality may matter more the quantity, but the latter still needs to be addressed so that you both feel that your needs are being met... Your desire ebbs and flows over time, so you need to revisit this conversation regularly."
7. "Think About The Hottest Sex You've Had — What Feelings Underpinned That Experience?"
Sex is about more than just physical sensations — it's also about the feelings and emotions you experience with your partner. Asking your partner to reflect on how they felt *emotionally* during their hottest sexual experience can reveal a lot about what they need from you in bed.
"This question can help you to uncover and share your core erotic feeling — this is the feeling you require in order to have sex," Dr. Jess says. "Do you need to feel loved? Safe? Relaxed? Sexy? Challenged? Identify your core erotic feeling and train your partner so they know exactly how to make you feel it."
8. "How Do You Want To Be Seduced?"
When you've been with someone for a long time, you might start to take their attraction to you for granted.
"Many couples stop having sex because the onus of sexual initiation falls primarily (or exclusively) upon one partner," Dr. Jess says. "In many cases, this partner becomes frustrated (they’re inevitably the only one facing rejection) and resentful and may eventually stop trying. Couples who have frequent sex acknowledge that most people (regardless of gender) are responsive to the feeling of being desired, so both partners go out of their way to initiate sex and make their partner feel valued and desired."
9. "Would You Like To Try Any Toys?"
If you want a quick, efficient way to spice up your sex life, try incorporating sex toys in the bedroom. They're a sexy way to up the ante, and you can have fun researching some options with your partner — then treat yourselves to toys that you're both eager to use on each other.
"Many people underestimate how accessible and beneficial sex toys can be at improving their sex lives," Alex Fima, Founder of sex toy company Velvet Co., tells Bustle. "If both [partners] are starting from ground zero, it helps to run through a list of what's available, and what they do."
Ultimately, there's no one correct way to go about improving your sex life: all that matters is that you and your partner feel comfortable communicating about sex, and want to work together to make sex better for both — not just one — of you. So what are you waiting for? Start the conversation, and watch your sex life blossom before your eyes.